I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Lauren makes it so hard for me to stay away from her. The littlest things she does seem to intoxicate my senses, from the way her lips move when she talks to the way she always has to put her hair up when she sleeps because she says if she doesn't it will "bother her". Today when she was yelling at me in the bathroom all I wanted to do was to shut her up by pressing my lips against hers. But all I did was stare at the wall. I remember my last session with Dr. Altman, she said some shit about letting people into your life and how you shouldn't live life fearing your fears and blah blah blah. Basically all I got from that was people die and you can't do shit about it. I thought Olivia was the one, she was my end game and I was hers. We wanted to get married, have two beautiful children, buy a big ass house with a white picket fence. You know the fairytale dream. And after she died I promised myself I wouldn't have that with anyone else. How the fuck was I suppose to know that my father would kidnap an absolutely gorgeous girl who I would happen to fall in love with. Definitely not me. I want to love her, kiss her, hug her, make love to her, I want everything with her. But everything I want with her was everything I wanted with Olivia. I think what I'm trying to say is that if I allow myself to love Lauren then I will be breaking my promise to Olivia. To love her and no one else. I can't do that to her, she was the love of my life. So do you kind of see my dilemma? It would be so much easier if you could actually talk to me. Well, from the darkest part of my brain, until next time journal.-H
I walk towards the bathroom to find Lauren covering herself with a towel. She must of just finished.
"Get dressed we're going upstairs" I say aggressively even though I don't mean to be aggressive.
She nods and motions me to turn around so she can change. Once she's done we walk up to her room and she lays down on her bed not saying a word.
"Lauren, I'm sorry" I say trying to break the silence.
She doesn't say anything and I rather have her yelling at me than her ignoring me.
"Stop saying that" Lauren mumbles into the mattress and I wish she would just look at me.
"Sor- umm I just don't know what else to say" I say honestly, it's hard to talk to this Lauren. She's very distant and I don't like it.
"I don't want your apology if you don't mean it" she says picking her head off the mattress.
"I do mean it"
"You don't love me and I'm okay with that, well at least I'm trying to be. But you coming around me and making me feel... Happy is not. It just makes me want you when I know I can't"
I want her to know that if I weren't in this fucked up dilemma with my ex then yeah I could love her back. But I don't want to tell her everything because that means I will have to relive it and that's something I'm not ready to do.
"Okay" Is all I manage to say before I head towards the door.
"And that! You always do that Harry! Walk away when you don't want to deal with something. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me" she says angrily and I turn around sharply.
"Deal with something? You don't even know what I've been through! So don't act like you have. And has it ever crossed your mind that I just don't want to deal with this bullshit!" I watch as sadness takes over her flawless face.
"Then why are you apologizing to me if you "don't want to deal with this bullshit" then leave! For a guy who doesn't want deal with me, you keep trying"
I know she's not trying to sound rude and obnoxious, but it definitely comes across that way.
"If you want me to stop talking to you, then fine. We will not make conversation when I come to give you food, or when you take showers or any of that alright? Are you happy now!?"
"Harry that's not what I meant-"
"I know what you meant! You love me and I..." I stop talking because honestly I didn't know what to say.
"You what?" Lauren says and I see her eyes glimmer.
A rush of emotions hit me all at once. Happiness turns to sadness and then my sadness turns to anger.
"Damn it" I whisper "Damn it! Damn it!" I yell as I punch the wall behind me and hear Lauren gasp.
"What the fuck Harry!?"
"Lauren what the fuck do you want me to say!" I run my fingers through my hair and tug at my roots. I probably look insane, but I really couldn't give a fuck.
"You already know Harry" she says trying to keep her voice calm.
"You make me happy, and that scares the shit out of me! Okay!?" I stare at her and wait for her to say something and she doesn't. "You make me... Feel things that I haven't felt in so long" I whisper.
"Then why can't you say you love me!?" She yells and catches me off guard.
"What?" I look at her confused.
"If you don't love me then walk out of here right now and I'll know" she crosses her arms and waits for me to leave, but I don't.
"I can't" I sigh, this is all so exhausting.
"Why not!?"She hisses, her tone cold and her face showing no emotion. I hate seeing her like this.
If I don't say it now I'm afraid I never will.
"I love you"
Like, comment, and favorite guys 💕