It's been a few days since I've kissed Lauren and we haven't really been talking much. I would take her to the bathroom, feed her food, you know all the necessities and that would be it. No discussions, no jokes, nothing.
I loved trying to make Lauren laugh and her trying not to crack a smile even though I could tell she wanted to. She made me want to wake up.
I've done a lot of fucked up shit in my life and have had a lot of stuff happen to me. This is the one good thing that has happen to me...her.
It's not that I'm avoiding her.... Okay maybe I am but it's just scary. When I kissed Lauren I felt something. And I haven't felt that something in a long time, and now that it's back I guess I'm just afraid to feel.
I'm so damn dramatic. But if you went through the shit I went through then you'd understand.
I should be writing this shit in my journal that my therapist gave me. Yes, I had a therapist but ever since I've moved here with my dad I just stopped going, but I never stopped writing. I guess that old fùcking lady was right about something, writing did help kind of.
I go up to the attic and am about to knock on Lauren's door but stop and back up.
Come on just knock on the door my subcontious keeps telling me but I can't bring myself to do it.
I walk to my room and shut my door in silence as I make my way towards my desk.
I probably just did the most foolish thing. I kissed Lauren. I'm suppose to act like she's nothing to me and that I don't care about her. But the problem with that is that I do care, a lot actually. Too much in fact. She makes me feel like someone actually cares. Not that bullshit caring that most people do, but she genuinely cares about my thoughts and emotions. She makes me feel wanted and cared for. The way Olivia once made me feel. Olivia was my everything and when she died in a car crash on April 11, 2012 at exactly 7:30pm....I was lost. I got into fights that I shouldn't have been apart of, I slept with girls that I didn't give two fucks about, I did drugs, etc. And then one day god decided to send me an angel by the name of Lauren Sanders, and she's been a blessing ever since. I guess I'm just afraid of giving myself to another person and then have her be taken away from me too. I know she'll get out of here and when she does, she'll forget all about me and move on with her life, while I'm left heartbroken. I was once told by my mother that happiness is the hardest goal to achieve, but when you find someone who makes you feel that way, then hold onto them for dear life, because you don't know how lucky you are to have them in your life. I'm just afraid that my love won't be good enough and my fucked up self will ultimately destroy her. Well, from the darkest part of my brain, until next time journal.-H
I closed my journal and run my fingers through my hair and curse under my breath as I try to control my shallow breathing.
I finally manage to control my breathing and look at the time. It's 8:20pm, time to give Lauren something to eat. I walk into the kitchen and prepare some soup and crackers for Lauren and set it on a tray. My dad would rather I give her packaged food but I just can't bring myself to do that to her.
I walk to her "room" and open up her door to find it completely dark and her curled up on her mattress and my heart breaks.
"I brought you food" I say quietly setting the food on the ground next to her as she slowly gets up.
"Ok" she says as she sits up to go and eat her food, not saying anything else and I wish she would.
"Ok.... Umm how are you feeling?" I ask as my hands are shoved into my pocket and I rock back and forth on my feet.
She looks at the wall behind me before taking in a sharp breath.
"Do you want to know how I feel Harry!?" She spits and my eyes widen. "I'm horrible! I thought we were reaching new grounds and actually getting to know each other or something... But you've been nothing but an asshole to me! All I wanted was for you to tell me your stupid jokes that always make me smile or give me one of your dimpled smirks. Just anything that gave me a signal that you actually cared!"
"No! I am not finished. And you act like that kiss meant nothing to you! Please just tell me right now that I am delusional and that the kiss was stupid and you don't feel the same about me as I feel towards you!" She finally finishes her rant and I'm left utterly speechless.
I don't say anything for a moment and I can tell she was getting aggravated as sadness filled her eyes.
"Say something Harry!" She screams as tears fall from her eyes.
I never thought she'd be this damn emotional.
" You are delusional. The kiss meant nothing. We will never be anything, so don't get your fucking hopes up."I say as I quickly left the room, not hearing her response in return.
And the minute I leave a wave of guilt washes over me and what feels like my heart breaking. She'll be better off without me in her life, I just know it.