Today I have found out that, well to be put in nicely that someone is only friends me because I'm friends with someone he likes and she doesn't like him.. so in other words he's only using me to get closer to her.. Yeah I'm shattered, because I bet that's all I am to people, just a lump of shit they mess around and have a laugh with and don't take seriously. It hurts me because they just think it's clever they don't see my true colors or my true dark side, because if I did then they'd really take the piss out of me, and to be honest, I couldn't go through that. Not now anyway so right now I will just hide my pain and emotions inside until someone or something really really does get to me.
I should tell you about my life then shouldn't I? I'm writing everything down in this diary because I've read blogs and I feel that writing, my fears and emotions in my diary will help me get through daily life. It's just a little test I'm doing so fingers crossed it does work, I hope it does. Right so firstly, 7 years ago on February the 22nd, me, my two sisters and my brother were all put into foster care. Me and my second eldest sister was put with Sharon and Richard and my youngest brother and sister was put with Sue. That was alright I suppose Ashley and Jodie lived quite near so we were able to go see them like once in a week maybe a bit more than that, then all of a sudden that changed, because Jodie and Ashley got adopted.. They moved from being about 10 mutinies away to being an hour and half away. That fucking killed me the two main reasons were because, one I had a duty that duty was to take care of Jodie and Ashley for my mum and dad whilst they couldn't I know it wasn't my fault but I just felt useless and stupid due to the fact that I couldn't look after them anymore :/
The reason we got fostered in the first place was because my mum and dad couldn't look after us anymore, to be honest, when we were living there it kind of scared me. My dad got drunk one too many times that was the main reason I'm glad we left, my dad just drank, it scared me because he would cause fights between him, my mum and my half brother Michael. There was a couple times, I'll tell you but no in detail if I do I would probably just break down in floods of tears. Well anyway, one of the reasons was it was just a peaceful afternoon, any normal day, I dunno what happened (me and my siblings were in our bedroom so I wouldn't know) but anyhow, I heard a lot of shouting and yelling, and Michael punched the bathroom door in. It scared me and my sibling, we were just hugging each other crying..
Another reason was it was a night and my dad got really drunk and due to that police came to our house and had to take us to our half brothers and sisters in Chichester.
We do have contacts with out mum and dad, it's usually every holiday, that's amazing.. But my dad, he just doesn't bother with anything, he either turns up late, doesn't have anything planned or he just doesn't turn up it kills because I want him to be a dad, a dad that everyone dreams of but I guess that's just not how he rolls. I guess having the perfect dad is just a myth obviously.