Chapter 30: I've Messed This Up... Haven't I?
"Finally!" Brody sighed as Katy, Megan and I walked arm and arm into the courtyard of the set. We may or may not have spent the past hour sitting down in our trailer getting to know each other. While the other two had changed into skirts, a flowery top and a cardigan - I had put on some black denim skinny jeans, a baggy white tee shirt with a grey jacket; the sleeves pushed up to my elbows and the hood down. I paired the outfit with white converse, a gold watch and then made sure the dog tag Zack gave me was visible.
Zack grinned at me as us girls broke apart and made our way towards them. I stood beside Zack, my arm round his back whilst his went round my shoulders and started twirling a piece of my hair round his fingers. Zack's wearing grey chinos, a blue button up shirt covered by a light grey sweater (the collar of his shirt folded over the hem of the sweater). His sunglasses are hanging from the neck of the sweater and he's put on white high tops. His hair today is in a quiff. The other boys are wearing jeans and a tee shirt, all looking pretty smart.
"They've been non stop messing with their hair." Zack whispered in my ear. "Jackson's been freaking out when Megan was late apparently and Brody keeps thinking that Oliver's going to magically show up and take Katy away."
I resisted the urge to 'aw' in a sad way because Zack nodded over to Brody who had the biggest smile on his face as Katy laughed into his shoulder.
"So where are going?" Megan asked.
"I'm pretty hungry." Jackson said and my stomach churned at the mention of food. I pursed my lips together, ignoring the worried glance from Zack. Okay so the reason why I'm suddenly feeling sick is because since I left New York, I've been leaving hardly any time to eat. Usually I would eat whenever I was bored but I was so busy that it's like my body's grown accustom to not eating. I've ate probably three meals spread over three weeks and no one's noticed yet.
I was tugged back into reality when Zack took a hold of shoulder with one hand and stood in front of me. I noticed the others had gone, where I have no idea but gone.
"What's wrong?" He asked and the usual spark in his eye was replaced with the worried look I hate. It makes him look like he's angry and upset all at the same time. It makes him look vulnerable and small instead of the guarded and strong boy I know.
"Nothing."I lied. "Just still a bit tired that's all."
"You're lying to me." He raised an eyebrow. Zack always knows when I lie, it's like his 'superpower' as he says.
"No I'm not," I laughed. A fake laugh but the look in his eyes faltered. "come on, you must be starving."
I took a hold of his hand and started walking when he pulled me back into his chest. "If anything's wrong..."
"There isn't." I interrupted.
"But whenever there is," He persisted. "... you come to me alright? I don't care how tiny the problem is or what time it is, you come to me okay?"
I looked up at him, the look on his face making me just want to break down and tell him but I nodded. "Okay."
He gave a lopsided smile and cupped my cheek with one hand, placing a soft kiss on my lips. I melted into him and let my lips hover against his for a second or two before we had to catch up the others.
Ten minutes later we're sat in a small cafe, a plate of chips (fries) in the middle of the table. The boys are all sat on one side whilst the girls are sat on the other. Zack's been looking at me every now and again so I've ate a couple chips to disguise the problem. However that hasn't helped, it's made me feel even more sick.
I've tried my best to tune into the conversation but I keep worrying. I don't want to think about Zack's reaction if he ever finds out, he might be upset or angry or both and that's the worst type of mood Zack could be in. I felt a tap on my knee and I looked up to see Brody giving me a look.
'You alright?' He mouthed. I gave him a smile and nodded, he seemed okay with the response and turned back to the conversation but Zack shook his head, got up and left the cafe. The conversation ended and we all stared at the door where Zack had just left before I got up and ran out after him.
The set's only a couple minutes from here and by the time I had managed to run over there I saw Zack leaning against his trailer. I couldn't run anymore, I felt like I was going to throw up. I was feeling extremely weak and I must have looked terrible because Zack sighed, turned to face me from across the courtyard and then widened his eyes.
I crouched down, held my face in my hands and tried to contain the sick threatening to come up. I choked a bit and then the warmth of Zack's body enveloped me.
"Shh, it's okay." He whispered slowly standing us both up. "It's okay, Kendall, it's okay."
"No it isn't." I shook my head against his chest. "It's not okay... I'm so sorry Zack."
Tears were slipping down my face, soaking his sweatshirt but Zack simply took my hand and tugged me into his trailer again. He hugged me again, wrapping his arms round my neck and bring me in close. I clutched onto the sides of his sweat shirt and cried into shoulder.
"I've messed this up haven't I?" I choked out.
Zack tensed up all over and pulled back abruptly. His eyes were dark and my shoulders stung where his fingers dug into them. "You haven't messed anything up! It's going to be okay Kendall, you're going to be okay... I promise."
His expression softened, his fingers kept a hold of my shoulders but gently now, not even holding on really. He swallowed and I was quick to wipe the tear from his face away. I came closer to him and his forehead touched mine as he hung his head down low.
"Please," His voice cracked as he looked at me through his lashes. "Just tell me why."
So I told him, I told him everything I've tried so hard to keep hidden from cameras and fans and even the ones stood next to me. I told him about how everything's just becoming too much and when I broke down in tears he didn't say anything but brought me to his chest and rubbed my back until I had calmed down.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered in shame - cutting into the silence. "I'm sorry, I should have told you."
"No, just no." He shook his head. "I'm sorry I should have noticed. Oh god I should have noticed."
He pulled away and pulled at his hair. "Crap, I'm a terrible boyfriend."
"Zack!" I gripped his elbow. He looked at me again and cupped my face in his hands, wiping the tears from my face. "Please don't ever say that again, alright?"
He dropped his hands and went to shake his head but I stopped him by cupping his face in both my hands and kissed his lips quickly. "You didn't know Zack, I hid it and I was wrong and you are a brilliant boyfriend, the best there is. Please don't try and make this your fault."
He shook his head, holding onto my hips with his large hands. I really have messed this up. I've messed us up, I've ruined us.
"I'm gonna get through this Zack." I whispered. I wrapped my arms round his waist and placed my cheek against his chest. "I'll get better and we'll go back to normal."
I felt one of his hands on my back, the other smoothing down my hair. He sniffed, one of his hands moved for a couple seconds and then went back to it's original place.
"Does Harry know?" He asked. I panicked and pulled away harshly.
"Please don't tell him!" I begged. "He'll go mental and pull me out of the movie. Please Zack don't tell anyone!"
"I'm sorry." He winced. "I promise I won't tell anyone."
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, when I opened them again Zack was looking at me like I might break down again. He spread out his arms and I hauled myself into them, snuggling my head into the crook of his neck.
"You and me." Zack whispered. "It's just going to be you and me."
A/N: I know that this chapter took a drastic turn and I'm sorry but my cousin was reading my draft idea for this chapter. It was then I noticed that the story has become too light and bouncy so I asked if I could use her past as an idea. She suffered from anorexia and previously has gotten better. Not only will this give me a better understanding of how my cousin felt during her time in starvation but it will also hopefully give you an insight of how quickly people can go from good to depressed.
If you know some suffering from anorexia or any other eating disorder and want to help them go to: http://www.b-eat.co.uk/about-eating-disorders/types-of-eating-disorder/anorexia