The differences between me and him are so obvious. He is nice and kind and I’m a selfish jerk. I was meant to be his best friend, and I let him down. Again. I don’t even know why he wants me around. The only way I could possibly make it up to him is by saying how deeply sorry I am and how much I hate myself for what I did. Even that wouldn’t make up for what I have done. I would understand if he didn’t forgive me. He would probably slap the cuffs on me and I would go quietly. There’s a side of me that I can’t control, but I have to admit it to myself, because he doesn’t hide inside me anymore. He’s coming out, and the safest place for me right now is a cell, because I am Roan.
I never used to be like this. Me and Matt used to look after Molly in this little, run-down apartment in the middle of New York. We were best friends, brought together by circumstances and then we decided to rent an apartment when Matt found a little girl who needed someone to look after her, whose parents’ murder he was working on. When I first met Matt, he was a lot like a Ronin, a samurai without a master, and he had long jet-black hair. He’d cut it later on because Lucy had called him a shaggy dog.
Lucy. Roan had killed her too. He had cut her throat when she fought against him. He had wanted to kill Nathan and Peter too. In the same way, but fear had got to them first. He had smiled when he heard that Nathan was dead, and then when Peter killed himself. He had smiled, and I had wept.
Have you ever felt like there is someone inside you, fighting to gain control of your body, fighting to get out? Of course you haven’t, you have never had him inside of you, another part of you, desperately trying to get to the top. I can’t tell Matt what I have done, or what Roan is going to do. He hides, waiting for the right moment to come out, and I don’t know when that is. It can be at any moment. Even now, I have to battle to keep him at the bottom. I used to be a good person, what did I do to deserve Roan? There is only one way that I can get rid of Roan, there is only one place safe enough. That place, is a cell. If I lock myself up, Roan can’t hurt anyone anymore. I have to go. I am stood outside of the police station. I have to be quick before Roan comes. Too late.
What are you doing Ryan?
What is right, and not what is right by your standards.
My standards? How quaint.
You won’t hurt anyone anymore Roan.
Me? Hurt anyone? You did that Ryan. You killed them. You killed Lucy.
I didn’t do that.
It was your fault.
You are a monster.
You are the only monster here Ryan. You killed your own friends, but it seemed that you missed one. For what you have tried to do, I am going to kill the one friend you have left Ryan.
No, Roan, you can’t. You can’t!
Say goodbye to Matt, Ryan.
Then he’s gone, just like that, and I can’t feel being myself anymore. I can see what he is doing, but I can’t control myself. I try shouting, but the only one who can hear me is myself. Trust me, you have never been as afraid as I am in the moment that Roan takes over. All I know, is that he is going to kill again, and this time he is going to kill my best friend, the one person I could always rely on, the one person who trusted me, one hundred percent, yet I am the one who has let him down the most out of all of the people around us. I let it happen, once, twice, three times and now, I’m letting it happen again. I try to fight my way out but Roan has complete control. He can walk through the station without getting stopped, because he looks like me, and no one will shout at him or throw him out because he looks like me. Well, Matt might.
“Ryan?” Roan turns round. I try to shout at Matt, tell him to run, to get away from Roan, but all of this to no avail. No one can hear me on the outside and no one can hear me beating against the restraints that Roan puts on me. All I can do is sit here and watch while Roan smiles, “Hello Matt.” Matt hugs him, “Where have you been, Ryan? Roan’s on the loose and you’d gone missing. I was starting to get seriously worried about you. Molly was worried sick.” The face that Roan just made when Matt hugged him would have been hilarious, if the situation were not so desperate and so dire. They start walking out of the station where Roan told him that I had been away to have some time to reflect on what had happened. They walk across the street and into the hospital, taking a direct route through the lobby and halls to the elevator. All of a sudden, I know what Roan’s plan is. They say that some serial killers have a pattern, and this one certainly does. It seems that Roan’s weapon of choice is the roof.
Peter and Nathan had died falling off that rooftop. Claire had been impaled on the shaft just next to the elevator. Lucy fought back, and that was why they found her with her throat cut open. It was almost tragic that the police had decided that there wasn’t a cordon needed around the roof because they wanted to give the friends and families time to mourn. They hadn’t even taken the rest of the Deveauxs and the Morgans into custody. There was a large pile of gifts, cards and flowers at the base of the walls. After what seemed like an age, Matt broke the silence, “Four people have died up here in the last month. God, Ryan, why did all of this have to happen to us, why are they the ones that were chosen to die? Why did they have to die?” Matt’s sudden outbreak of passion shocks Roan into submission. Never before have I heard him speak to me in such a way:
I don’t want to kill. I am a part of you and I want you to accept that I am here and not cast me out. I am not necessarily a bad part of you, I’m just different when I don’t have the rest of you to rely on. You are a balanced person Ryan, and overall, you are a very good person. You’re a good person to whom bad things have happened to. I envy you because you are such a good person and I can never be. You have a choice to make, Ryan. Either, you die and Matt lives, or, I kill Matt and you lose all memory of being yourself and having these friends. You will be a completely new man, and you won’t have any of the regrets you have now. Do you know what, the best part is that I will disappear, and Molly won’t remember anything either. You can go on having a normal life.
Your second offer. I accept.
I watch as Roan pounces, knife in hand, forcing Matt off the building. He falls to the depths below, his throat slit, a look of utter surprise on his face. All of a sudden, I can feel myself again. Roan has stepped out of me, and now stands opposite me, knife in hand. It is almost like looking into the mirror, except there is a long scar that runs across his neck. He smiles.
What you were expecting?
Not really. Then again, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.
Now, it’s your turn.
I don’t do promises. I lied. It’s your turn to die Ryan.
Then, he lunges for my throat