I just don’t understand. Is Reed dying? Has he died? My sister hasn’t been back from last night, because mom got a call from the school, from Reed’s dad that Reed needed her right now for something. I couldn’t even really ask any questions because mom said it was none of her business. When mom told Ellie what was going on and where she was going, she looked horrified, and guilty of something.. I just don’t know what. I know he was at the hospital, or was going there because he had a fever... but is it really that bad that my sister had to stay overnight?
Why won’t anyone tell me!!! I’m seriously freaking out! I’m starting to feel a little paranoid that someone hurt him along the way to the hospital... or is someone going after me or my family. I needed some water, so I walked over to the refrigerator, and poured a nice cold glass of water with crushed ice in it. When I sipped it, the coolness of the drink slid down my warm throat letting me taste every bit of the goodness. I felt a little bit better at this point. I knew I was still freaking out drastically, so I decided to write out my feelings. That worked... for a while, then I couldn’t concentrate on my school work, that I procrastinated on for the last day of vacation. I knew my sister was right, and Reed. I should of been working on all my work during the entire week we got.
Then I got even more frustrated, knowing mom was going to kill me if I had a single missing assignment on my report card. Then I started hating myself, and thinking of all of the bad things that have happened in my life, and how much of a failure in life I was. A huge migraine whipped me on the forehead, making me dizzy and even more scared. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a kitchen knife. You know, the kind that you use when cutting a stake. I lifted up my shirt sleeve, and slid the tiny blades on that one knife across my skin. I have never tried this before, but I felt that I deserved something that should scar me for life, so that I wouldn’t be a failure in life again. I hadn't pushed down hard enough on my skin, and started getting angry. I got out my IPOD from my pocket, and started playing Hero by Skillet. It made me feel better, which is not what I needed, so I put on a happy song to remind myself that they have a better life than I do. I started just swinging the knife underneath more of my thick skin. I pushed down harder, and started seeing blood trickle throughout the cuts. I needed the blood to run down though, or I wouldn’t be completely satisfied. I took one last swing, and fell down as I the knife engraved an even deeper slit through my arm, making the blood spill out onto my clothes. I felt like the world wouldn’t ever accept me for who I was, and that I was invisible. I could actually convince myself that I wasn’t there. Or was it the world convincing me that I wasn’t there? I ran upstairs when I heard the front door open, and into the bathroom. I forgot to bring an extra pair of clothes in with me, so I started the shower. I heard banging on the door and jumped.
“Y-yeeeeees.” And then I heard my mom’s voice in worry.
“Get in the car now! You're going to see Ellie’s friend Reed!”
“Why? Is he okay?”
“No!Come on now!”
“Okay, okay, can you get me some clothes please, I just took a shower!” Oh no, oh no,
what am I going to do. He is totally going to find out what I have been trying to do while using him! And what if they check my arms, or saw the blood in the kitchen? Is there blood on the kitchen floor? I heard a knock on the door, so I opened it to get my clothes. I didn’t realize it was Ellie, and accidentally pulled her shirt a little into the bathroom.
“Matthew? Why is there blood on your arm?”
“SHHHHHH! I - I just have a nose bleed.” She walked away, making me more terrified than I have ever been. Is she going to go tell our mother? I heard a knock on the door hoping that it was my sister Ellie.
“Here’s a T-shirt, clean boxers, and some pants!”
“Thanks, where did you find the boxers?”
“I went shopping earlier, why?”
“No reason.” I got dressed quickly curious what the rest of my night would be like. We were, I think, going to the hospital, so if my mom saw this I might not be able to see what’s wrong with Reed, and I might get a spanking and get into some serious trouble if she see’s my arm. I had no idea what to do but follow my mothers orders and get into the car. I noticed my arm was still bleeding, and bleeding through my shirt sleeve. I’m sooo glad I’m wearing black.
I can’t touch anything or put any pressure on my arm, because it stings like hell. I know I just sweared, but it shouldn’t make a difference because NO ONE’S SUPPOSED TO BE READING MY PRIVATE JOURNAL! Just in case. I am sooo scared right now. My sister hopped into the car and sat in the seat in front of me, and was holding her arm as well. I wondered for a long while if she did the same thing. Was that the blood I saw in her room? I felt more bad for her than me at this point, because she probably has hundreds up and down her arm if she actually did what my idiotic, useless, failures, crappy brain did. I don’t know if I completely regret it though. I know I have Reed there for me when I need him. I just don’t want him to know what happened.
It’ just too embarrassing . I don’t know if I should trust him, but I really need to let it out to someone. My mom came out of the house running rapidly to the car, like something inside the house scared her. She entered into the car, slammed the door, and drove off. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, besides the fact that Reed was in the hospital with a simple fever. Hopefully it hasn’t risen, his temperature. I don’t know what my life would be like without him. My mothers facial expression looked worried, surprised, and anxious. I had no idea what I was feeling at this point. So much was going on. One minute I’m REALLY depressed, and then the next I’m anxious and even more depressed that Reed is going to die and that no one would care about me, not that anyone does now.
Throughout the entire car ride, everyone was silent...speechless. I looked over at Ellie as we were exiting the car, and noticed tears rolling down her cheeks. But for some odd reason, she acted EXTREMELY eager to go see Reed. Sure, they are “Dating” and all, but she looks like she’s about to win a million dollars. Her facial cheeks were turning bright red, she “fast walked” as the teens call it in my school, she kept looking into every single thing that she could find her reflection in and change what seemed imperfect on her, and she kept biting her lip, which is what made it so you couldn’t tell if she was smiling, frowning, or thinking of Reed. I wanted to speak up and ask her why she’s acting so weird. I didn’t want her to change the conversation so she can possibly find out what I did.
We all hurried in through the hospital doors. I followed my mother and Ellie to Reed’s room. When I walked in I saw something I thought I would of never seen before. I saw Reed’s arm covered in cuts and burns. Some parts of his arms I could see it covered by this white cloth. I noticed he had an IV in his arm as well, which almost made me cry. Did he want to kill himself? I can tell him what happened now that I know he did the same. I wondered, Did my sister teach him this... if she even did this too?
He was awake and waved shyly when he saw me. I waved back, not realizing I was making an angry facial expression at him. I walked over to a chair next to him, noticing blood on the floor. He seemed stunned by something. Like a tragic event happened, not that this wasn’t tragic at all. He just seemed horrified.
He blurted out surprisingly fast, “I’m sorry I lied to you. I just didn’t want you finding out.”
“It’s fine Reed.” “Friends?”
He looked surprised, but in a happy type of way and replied, “Friends.” At this point I just smiled at him, not knowing what to say. I could tell he had no idea what to say either.
“How are you feeling?”
“To be honest with you, I feel like crap.”
“Doesn’t it sting?” I completely regretted what I have just said.
“H-how would you know?”
I realized my mother and sister were out of the room, and whispered in his ear “I did the same."