So first, my life falls in pieces in a deep, deep depression, and then I meet a hot girl with the same problems, who might like me back. Oh yeah, and a new friend I met on Facebook. What's going on! My new friend won't stop asking me when our hands touched, and I don't feel comfortable telling him what's been going on in my life. Sure i told Ellie in like five seconds of me meeting her, but she was going through the same thing. I just felt the magnetic pull between us, so I had to tell her! What am I going to do. Should I have told him that something was going on with Ellie? I hope she doesn't find out what I said to him about her!
So my year started out with the world hating me. No friends, no people who I felt loved me, and bullies who pounded on me everyday of school. I mean, they have left me alone by now, knowing they don't have a girl, and I do with everyone taking pictures of us hugging, which i printed out and look at all the time. My mother died last year, from suicide. no one knows why she did it, I just assumed that it was because of me... the child she never wanted. She didn’t leave any goodbye notes, which I wish she did. She didn’t seem depressed at all. I just thought she was tired from being a mom. I guess she was tired of being a mom. Ellie said that she wrote in her diary as well that she cut, and all, but that she would never show anyone, so that’s what I’m going to do, or,,, just did. My dad decided to rumage through my room though, and found one of my journals. I have no privacy anymore. My dad says that he has every rite to go through my stuff, which he DOESN’T!That just makes me wanna kill myself even faster!!! So I decided to hide one of my journals in my locker.
And I’m not calling this a diary, It’s a journal. I’m always scared that my dad would find this considering it’s covered in blood. It’s also hard to read because of this, but I know he’d ask and probably pull up my sleeve or something, even though he already kkows. He just hasn’t had a clue that I still do it. It all started when no one was talking to me at school, because they heard of my mom. I heard rumors being spread around that I’m just like my mom, and that I should just drink bleach or something. That night, I listened to happy songs, that I thought would make me feel better, which actually made things worse, as the lyrics talked about how perfect that persons life was, and how unperfect mine was. I went downstairs in the middle of the night and found my dad’s switch blade. I couldn’t help myself... I had to feel the same as I did on the inside on the outside. It started with my wrists, all the way up my arm, and then my entire leg. It hurt really bad at first, but I soon just got used to it. I felt invisible in the world until the day I met Ellie. This is too embarrassing to write about, I’ll just talk about what happened with me and Matthew the next day...
I decided to call Matthew back, to set up a hang out or something.
“Uhhh, red?” We both started bursting out into laughter, like he forgot about our last conversation.
“Sssss-oooooo?” I repeated back to him.
“Sssss-oooooo? What up?
“Oh just exercising, while I earn money lifting the new neighbors boxes.”
“Great deal all in one.”
“Sorry what? You know you only text that right?”
“What do ya mean? I just learned all the terms!”
“Ummm, never mind.” Maybe this is just a new style or something I didn’t find out about. No one but Ellie and Matthew talk to me now.
“You realize you have all week to do your homework, we don’t have very much.”
“Yeah, I’m just a bit of an over achiever.”
“I don’t believe you, you never do your homework Reed, and everyone knows that.”
“I have decided that I will do better this quarter.”
“The quarter is going to end within like two weeks.”
“Well then for next quarter, FOR THE YEAR!”
“Okay, okay... sorry to burst your bubble. What’s going on Reed?” I had no idea what to say so I made up a very idiotic lie.
“I have a fever of o105 degrees!”
“Oh my god! Are you at the hospital yet?”
“Uh, no... my dad is on the phone with them now though.”
“Okay, I... I’ll call you when you're feeling better, you need your rest.”
“Okay.” Then he hung up quickly, but in the background of that very last minute, I think I heard Ellie’s voice, and then I was actually worried. All night I was paranoid. I had a feeling Matthew was going to call my dad to say that he hopes I feel better or something. The home phone might ring, or I might hear his cell phone get a text message. I, was, horrified. That night I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop wondering why I have two friends. I couldn’t stop wondering if Matthew was going to call, or if Ellie got told by Matthew that I was sick, and was going to the hospital. I eventually fell asleep that night. I don’t know how, but it all just fell off of my bed, when I placed the blankets and sheets on top of me.
The warmth must of made me feel drowsy or something. It is, almost winter. It hasn’t snowed yet though, so I shouldn’t of felt as cold as the Arctic. Even though people are starting to believe in this thing called Global warming which is just another hoax the government put out there to give more power to the executive branch, while giving us more taxes. I get off track a lot, well.... it is my journal, I can’t write what and whenever I want to. I called Matthew the next morning, to tell him not to call me. I also wanted to get Ellies number. I missed her cloud smooth voice and her eyes that reminded me of the stars. I know it’s cliche, but that’s just how I, personally, feel. He asked me if I was okay, and gave me the number. Nobody picked up when I called so I was even more depressed all day, longing to hear the voice of this enchanting girl. I might over exaggerate a bit when I talk about her, but , again, it’s how I personally feel. The weird thing is that most teens have that mad factor in their brains, which I don’t or have ever had. I’m either depressed, or happy. Nothing else. Unless love is another emotion. I just discovered that emotion recently when I met the women of my dreams.
I need to get her a gift, maybe she might have a feeling of love towards me. But what would she want? She already gave me something, but I asked for it. I don’t know how she got it into my locker, but I don’t really care. Her fingers have been on my lock! I can’t believe I just noticed this! Everytime I’m around Ellie, I start to shrivel up in a bubble that I want her to pop. Like that weird awkwardness that you have in between someone. It’s not the person, it’s the fumes that that person sets off from going outside your boundaries. It takes two to have this feeling. I need a gift that will pop her bubble. For some reason I just felt so depressed, like she wouldn’t like me back and that no one would and doesn’t ever like me.
That day, where the pain ends,
Where the world can’t laugh or hate you anymore,
That night where,
That person shouts out for help and makes a stand,
where everything has been torn into pieces,
but someone decides to stitch it all back together,
That deep, dark, alley you're choking in,
Where life hurts too much to be near,
you want to finally land,
from the hole you're falling in,
Because you know that you're too deep in the hole for anyone to pull you back up,
But that person falls with you,
and tries to catch you,
you now don’t want to land anymore because you know that person will land as well,
But you're afraid that person doesn’t exist...
Or do they?
I hope that Ellie is that person. I really do.
I decided that I should go out somewhere to get her a gift. I had no clue what to get her,
so I decided to get her a switchblade. But I would have to steal it, because I’m not eighteen yet. I pondered for a while, as I tried to pick her out the correct color she would adore. I held my sleeves tightly, and quickly slid a black one into my pocket. I walked out the door of Cabela's, and heard the alarms go off. I needed to run... and fast. I ran, and ran, and ran, without being able to cry, because of how depressed I was. I was horrified, and had no idea what to do from this point on. I hid behind a verizon wireless center, and heard a ton of cops shooting off into the distance. Should I step out, and let them shoot me?
Is this the right time to escape from this world? I heard a beat playing in this muffly sound, and wanted to find out where it was coming from. Of course! It was inside the center! I totally forgot that this was the night that Avenged SevenFold was coming here! I snuck in through this door I saw in the back, where I currently was. But when I walked in... I discovered I was backstage. I was breathless. I didn’t know whether to be excited or terrified that someone would catch me. I decided to make a scene just in case the cops would find me in here. I really wanted to hurt myself. They wouldn’t press any charges against me if they found out I was attempting suicide. I opened up the switchblade, and started to cut on the vane in my wrist vertically. Before I knew it, I was passed out. When I woke up from that passed out- like death, I discovered I was in the hospital. The first thing I saw was Ellie on my right side, in tears. I have never seen her cry before, she must be too depressed most of the time like me. Her hair was hiding in a ponytail or something in her hood, black eyeliner was spilling down her cheeks, and she was listening to loud, screamo, music. Screamo music makes US, EMO’S feel better about our lives for some odd reason. That’s just one thing parents don’t understand.
“Ellie?” She looked up in shock, and cheerfulness.
“Reed! Oh my god! How are you?.. I, I.. “ And then there was a second pause, and she just blurted out “I Love you.” I couldn’t help but realize that the side of my face was wet. It felt so new, because I haven’t been able to cry for so long. Then I realized Ellie was holding my hand, and getting closer to touching my lips with hers. I decided to jump in and kiss her back. Her warm lips laid on mine.. as this magnetivity of love help us closer, and closer, and closer. I felt alive again. Not that I died or anything.. but my whole teenage year life, I felt opaque in the world... but not so they could see through my heart, the world. But tonight, that was all going to change. We heard someone walk into the room, and quickly refrained from each others lips.
“Hello.. uh... how are you feeling.” There was that weird awkward silence, but the kind that is from when an adult see’s two younger people kissing, and just intruded their privacy. I looked over at Ellie and saw her cheeks flourish into a reddish pinkish tone.
“I’m feeling well, van I have some water please.”
“Uh.. yeah, hold on a couple minutes, I’ll leave you all alone. “ All? I looked to my left and realized the lead singer to A7X was sitting in the corner, with a ton of gifts wrapped in his arms.
“Hello.. My name is...” I interrupted him in a snap of a finger.
“I know who you are!” My mouth went wide open. I was astonished, and wanted to have a bro hug. I sat up and heard a beep noise. Doctors rummaged in threw the room, asking if everything was okay. I realized that there was a tube sticking in my wrist.
“It’s okay, he just got a little excited.” Said the amazing, A7X lead singer. She walked out the room, nodding her head, in relief. “Me and my band has some gift for you... and your girlfriend.” I looked over to Ellie only to discover that she was blushing. He plopped a card first on the bed, and told us both to open it up. We tore the edges of the card, touching each others hands once again. She decided to do it for us both, and held one of my hands with hers entwined into mine.
“TICKETS!!!!” Ellie cheerfully announced. “FRONT ROW!!! AND BACKSTAGE!” A smile grew along my face, as well as Ellie’s. She stood up, and gave me a hug that lasted forever. That magnetic pull between us made the butterflies in my stomach churn, making my emotions go wacky. I realized my dad wasn’t here with me, and then suddenly my smile faded away.
“Where’s my dad?” Ellie looked over to the lead vocalist, and opened her mouth for a quick moment, only to spill why my dad wasn’t here for his son that almost died the night before.
“Does he know I’m here?”
“THEN WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME?!”
“Your dad just proposed last night.”
“I have no idea, it’s none a my business.” I got so frustrated that I tried to get out of the bed again. The alarm Went off once again, but louder. I felt a big pulse in my arm, and then there was a huge shock running through it all the way up to the top of the same arm. I then saw a ton of blood coming out of it... and then I fainted into a black darkness. I was then staring out the window of my bedroom, with Ellie next to me. She was explaining to me how she wasn’t interested anymore. When I looked up I saw a lynch tied to one of the pipes.
I stood on a chair... and placed my head through it. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t feel happy one bit.. no one was there to catch me but Ellie, and I know that she never cared and wouldn’t feel the least pity for me. When I looked down I just saw blood. I was confused because I haven’t kicked the chair yet. Then I woke up from the dream, and looked around the room to find Ellie. She wasn’t there, nor the lead singer anymore. Could she of... no, please God no. For the first time I actually considered praying, for someone I loved so deeply, but only this one time if it didn’t work. I looked at the floor and saw the same pool of blood I saw in my dream, but the blood ran up to my arm. I was relieved.. but confused. Where did they go? Why am I alone. There isn’t even a doctor here to watch over me. Does anyone actually care about me? I saw the red button you press for when you need something, but hesitated to press it. No one would care anyway.