Hi. I’m Ellie. The person with no life, no understanding, and no love. I’m technically worthless. Nobody seems to see me anymore. Sometimes I feel as though I resemble a ballerina in a music box, twirling , not noticing my surroundings, as the sides peel, and the music replays in it’s same tune. I’m trapped. Sometimes I know I’m trapped. Sometimes I accept that I’ll never get out unless I break the part of me thats connected to the box.
I twirl in my own imperfect thoughts. Thoughts of escape. Thoughts of envy of those who are out, and who were born out. Thoughts of, why do I keep looking in the mirror if only negative thoughts bounce back at me. The box is my house. No escape, until I have enough age and money to buy me out. The part of me that I would break is my parents. They seem to think everything I do, or even think, thats not what they do or think hurts them. I envy the popular, beautiful people at school that get whatever they want, because they live in music box paradise. They get painted new dresses, new music, and even new boxes. It doesn’t hurt them to escape, they don’t even care because they live in a perfect box. I also think that sometimes I’m a book on a lonely shelf, waiting to be read by the reader. The reader is my parents. I work hard all week, not getting to go and find friends to hang out with after school. My parents read me on the weekends, my only free time I have. I wish I just had another story/another life, another music box, and another part of me... I’m trapped in this book, this box, this world. I’m still struggling to get out.Or I’m just struggling to understand why and when things happen. I don’t honestly know.
The Cycle Of My Life
My roots get pulled, and I’m placed in a state of isolation.
The water drowns me day by day, as I sit alone dieing.
And some day, that’s near to this day: all of my petals will have fallen off, to the last straw.
And I will be shriveled up till my very, last... breath.
A couple of girls told me to drink bleach online last week. I almost did, but I’m thinking of holding it off if I ever do want to. I’m walking into the classroom right now from the guidance counselor’s office. She sensed that something was up, so I talked to her. I know I can’t trust her with all my secrets I keep, so I only told her what home was like for me, and my “relationship” with my mother. Everyone just stared at me and said “Where were you”, in a symphony of arrogant voices. I just sorta went over to my seat and sat down, pulling down my shirt sleeves. The teacher told them it was none of their business and to stay out of it. I could tell he was mad like he was malevolent towards me. He tapped his foot like he usually does when he’s angry and wants to hurt someone. I didn’t know what to do, so he walked right out the classroom. All I felt like doing was cutting the little spots on my arms and legs I missed. I deserved this. My grades are going down, and I have no idea what else to do for a coping method. Everyone hates me, including myself. My brother doesn’t even care that I cry all the time. No one notices me wearing long sleeves in the summer, when were at the dinner table. I've tried to be perfect. I stole skinny pills at Rite Aid a couple days ago, but they don’t seem to work. I’m too fat.
I have thrown up, stopped eating, and have been exercising four hours a day.
Today I felt like passing out. But all of it’s worth it. People think it’s an eating disorder, when really it’s just a lifestyle. Why can’t people understand? I don’t know what else to do. My acne has gone away, I haven’t had my period in forever, and I can’t think straight anymore. Some of the side effects of everything secret I've been doing is good, and some of it just makes me want to lye in bed and die. My parents don’t understand me, no one does. I have absolutely no friends. I can’t wait to die beautiful and thin. When I went home that day, I cut all, night, long. I loved the sensation of being out of this world it brings me.
I feel invisible, but depressed as well. I don’t know what else to do, besides exercise, throw up, our weigh myself and take notes of where I need to lose body fat. I keep this binder full of pictures of skinny girls on tumblr to inspire me. The quotes I put in there also inspire me. I’m 5 foot 5, and 93 pounds. My goal is 89 pounds, but I have to be careful my family doesn’t notice so I don’t get in trouble, or “help”. I can’t wait for that day when I step on that scale, see 89 pounds, and feel beautiful for once. Blood stained all my clothes, so I have to wash them all tonight. I just wanna sleep in bed, and never wake up from this house of rules (cards). As you can tell, I am very depressed and upset right now. School sucks, especially all my makeup work, and scary teachers who want me to fail. I need someone to be there for me. I need someone to never leave my side, and to tell me it’s ok.
Sometimes I think of how happy I’ll be if I was out of this world. I wonder if anyone would care if I was gone. Most of the time I feel too empty and alone to think anymore, like in school. My grades have drastically gone down from A’s and B’s to C’s and F’s. I’m a mistake. I want to change my life, I just don’t know where to start.
Right now I’m at school. There’s a new guy I hadn’t notice until today, I guess. Everyone’s already gossiping about him and being goth. I needed to go to the bathroom and hurt myself, just one more time to remind myself that this is what I deserve and I can’t procrastinate during it either. As I made my way to the bathroom, I saw this new kid. He was wearing all black, and all long sleeves like me. His hair was a chocolaty brown, face pale but not deathly pale like my mothers, and he had something in his shirt sleeve he was trying to hide. I didn’t know what to say. He was crying and I felt bad, because at this point, I have forgotten how to cry. I felt cordial towards him, like I just couldn’t leave him alone.
I finally brought up the courage to speak. “Uh...Hi. I- I’m Ellie. I like your style.”
He looked up surprised, as if he thought I was some celebrity who decided to speak to him. “I-I’m Reed.Thanks, I like your style to. Why aren’t you in class?”
“Uh... why aren’t you in class?” And at the same exact time, we both lifted up our sleeves to reveal our most kept secret to each other within ten seconds of meeting. I was flabbergasted. I had no idea what to do, so I gave him a hug. He was freezing. He couldn’t help but cry on my shoulder either. Does this mean he likes me? Or does this mean he wants to be really close friends? The side of my black sweatshirt was wet, but I liked it. I liked knowing that I could be there for someone. We didn’t say a word to each other for like five minutes. The bell rang, but he kept crying, so I kept hugging him. Kids started rummaging out their classrooms, and within a couple of seconds of seeing us, they were taking pictures of us laughing their heads off. He ran off into the bathroom, and I didn’t see him again that day.
When I went home, I ran upstairs and into my bedroom like usual. I couldn’t manipulate myself into not liking this guy. He just felt the same pain as me. I flipped open my computer, typed in my password, and didn’t have any idea how to react. I saw a picture of me and Reed hugging with the sign above us, Goth show off's above our heads. If anything we were EMO and life mess up’s, not goth’s. I couldn’t stop thinking constantly about him. I saw mirages of his face pop up in my mind no matter where I went. I printed out the picture of us from the internet, and stared at him all night as I layed in bed. I saw what he’d been hiding in his shirt sleeve. It was a piece of paper. I couldn’t tell what was on it, but I could clearly tell that that was what it was. My eyes got kind of droopy, as I fell asleep in a slow type of faze.
This morning I was determined to look pretty for Reed. I know he may not like me, but it’s worth a shot. There’s only one problem, none of my clothes are “cool”. I dressed in this nice black sweater, black skinny jeans that are kinda loose, and my black Keds. When I looked in the mirror this morning I was disgusted. Zits covered the surface of my pale face. I looked like a, well, zombie. My bleech blonde hair was like a birds nest. I have the Emo hairstyle you see when you look it up on pinterest, but I can’t seem to make my bangs stay in place when I straighten it because of how thick my hair is. I straightened my hair, did my makeup and waited at my bus stop, hoping he got my bus. When the bus showed up almost everyone on the bus were waving their rich people Iphones at me. The picture of me and Reed was blaring on all of their screens, as they made kissy faces.
I didn’t really care. I mean I did, I didn’t want my brother finding any of my secrets out and telling on me. But it felt comforting knowing that people see I’m not a loner anymore. I was extremely, overwhelmingly excited to go to school, but nervous all at the same time. I wanted to see Reed. I wanted to have a deep conversation with him, about why he cut like me. I wanted to know if he was just as interested in me as I was in him. I roamed around trying to catch a glimpse of him at his locker, not knowing what to do or how to react if he said hi. I finally went for it and said hi. He smiled at me with his straight teeth, and pointy teeth at the sides looking like vampire fangs, and waved. I've never seen him smile. Well, I have known him for a day, but he did what I did and I thought he’d be depressed. I decided to smile back. And we stood quietly in this weird kind of state. “Soooo, how have you been.”
“Ummm, I thought about you last night.”
“Me too! Um, I mean, I thought about you.”
“I prayed for you as well.” Are you serious, he’s religious? I didn’t know what else to say so I said the same thing.
“I prayed for you as well.”
“Ah cool, your religious! I’m Baptist christian. What are you?”
“The same.” I can’t believe I started out knowing someone by lying straight to his face. What else was I supposed to say, that I have no religion. I wanted him to favor me, not be offended because of my religion. I needed to change the subject of the conversation, so I whispered in his ear, “ I look hoooorrible today, can you help me zip my sweatshirt, it’s not zipping?”
“Uh, sure.” I didn’t realize that he stuffed something in my pocket when he zipped my sweatshirt until I showed to class late that morning. It said,
I think yur a nice persun. can yu please help me. My parents found out about my cuting and they stole all of the sharp things they culd find in my room, can I borow one of ur’s?
What am I supposed to do? Give him one of my switchblades, or kitchen knives? I wanted him to like me so I wrapped a switch blade for him to use in a paper towel, and left it in his locker. I watched him while he did his combination, just because I wanted to know what he had in his locker. He approached me as I opened his locker. I left in there a poem of my love for him, and felt embarressed as he read it.