I only need to walk to him and tell him he should move on soon. He needs to forget about her. He needs to and be happy. I got to tell it to him. Yes, I can do this. It isn’t that hard, I can do this.
I walk to where he is sitting, his elbows on his knees and his head is down. His body is screaming his grieve to me. I breathe deep and bravely I stand beside him and look at the grave of her.
I hesitate to put a hand on his shoulder but I still do. He is shaking so much from crying. I want to take all the pain he is agonizing. If touch could just transfer all the cruel ugly feelings, I’ll take it all of it from him.
“Why does it had to be her?” The words are full of daggers and I can feel it, all are thrown at me. I pull my hand off him.
Why does it had to be her? I do not know. Does it had to be me? Yes, Maybe.
His eyes are on mine, tears still welling but you can’t miss the hate that vibrates from them. The hate that is for me. He continues speaking and I look away from his eyes and he has my ears and my broken heart. “Why not you? She has a beautiful life ahead and you don’t” His words sting.
She has a beautiful life and you don’t.
Of course, I have a more than beautiful life that is before the accident and now I don’t. I don’t know what is beautiful anymore. I don’t even know if I have a future life ahead of me anymore. Because my future is dead with her.
If only he knows. Our future is dead with her.
He continues talking telling me I don’t deserve to live and she don’t deserve to die. I don’t deserve to be happy and she don’t deserve to become ashes.
I don’t deserve to be happy.
I smile. Yes, I don’t deserve to be happy and I choose not to be happy anymore. I choose this new life and I won’t find a true happiness again with this choice. Maybe even happiness finds me, I might just turn my back to it because I don’t deserve joy anymore. There is no more bliss for me. I got to live with this new life I have. I got to live it with misery like she had live once.
“You should exchange places with her.”
If only I can, Walt, I have done it the first day I woke from the day of the accident. I would love to exchange places with her and I won’t regret it. And I would not be here watching you blaming me for her death. My soul would not been torn from thousand pieces with this sight of you, Walt. It is heart breaking to see the guy I love hates me so much now.
“You should be the one everybody is grieving for.”
He hates me now. He hates me so much that he would kill me if he wants to.
“You should have just died with her, you don’t deserve to live.”
The pain in me is eating me up, tears are ready to betray me and I look up at the starry sky and blink away the tears. I should just leave him here. Yes, that’s the right thing to do. I should leave before my arms will be around his neck and kiss him. And I should tell him I love him too much too but I can’t. I should tell him to move on but I can’t.
“No. Fate is right enough to let you live with this guilt.”
I had enough. I bravely turn my back to him and start walking away from the guy I love, then I look at him one last time over my shoulder.
I love you more than you know you love her.
I wipe the tears off my cheek and walk towards the car of my new boyfriend.
“Is he okay?”
He walks to me and put his arm around my shoulder, I shake a knowing NO to him. He knows he isn’t okay but he still does question me. Maybe this is his way of breaking the silence, asking questions he obviously knows the answer.
His grip tightens on my shoulder, “He’ll be okay.” And he kisses the side of my head.
He won’t be okay. He will never be okay. His oxygen is in another world, he’ll die soon if he chooses to not look for another oxygen for him to breath.
I don’t say it to him instead I nod. He opens the car door for me. I look one last time at the guy who is in love forever to her before the car starts moving away.
I should not give him the words, I should just stay away from him. This is the right thing to do.
I should feel all the pain she felt. I should feel it because I deserve it more than anyone in the world.