I am broken. I've been this way for 7 years. It started out little by little but now, there is so much pain, agony, and frustration that I just can't take anymore. My body shakes. If you really knew me you'd know how broken I am and how much physical and emotional pain I have been through.
7 years ago on the 22nd of February 2007 I was fostered my heart was ripped apart. I was taken away from my family my beloved family.. I had a task to do the task was to take care of myself and my brothers and sisters. Fucked them both up right away. I knew I couldn't do both. My life was getting out of control. It had to stop. I hate everything. I just want to end it all. Nothing is helping, the demons I am fighting with is hurting to much. It messes me up it's controlling me one of these days I'm going to lose it and I dunno whose going to be standing there when I do.. I just may end up doing something drastic if this pain and misery just wont end.
I was moving school, I was leaving my other friends behind all of them the people I loved I was leaving them behind. My past took the better of me. I kept getting judged for all the little things I did wrong like I'm some kind of devil, but none of them knew the real me. The tears I fight away. I just had to stay strong for my two best friends Charlie and Courtney. They were both my rocks we did everything together they knew my true colours i didn't have to pretend to them becuase i knew they wouldn't look me up and down and judge me. Until i left in year 4 i had to pretend i was alright, i had to just start fresh wear a smile on my face, chin up head held high but i couldn't it was harder then anyone could ever imagine.
Courtney was the person i went to if i needed help with anything, she was more like my sister then my best friend she helped me with everything, she knew how to put a smile on my face even when i didn't wanna smile.. she died, three months ago, she was run over by i car. That hit me real hard.. I couldn't do anything i kept on having these nightmares and thoughts, most of the thoughts were thoughts like "why her?" or "it should have been me" i was in a terrible place. I was so close to committing suicide everything i ever had would be chucked away in just a few minutes. Life just wasn't worth living anymore. This pain was going to end... I grabbed the dagger...
"No" came a whisper, I turned around "just don't" It was Courtney it was her.. At least I think it was.. "Just don't, just think about what your doing, it's going to be alright, you know it is. Your Marie, you can't let anything get the better of you. Your strong don't let anything get the better of you" She said it with a smile on her face but I knew, she was hurting.. Even though she can't pull the dagger out of my hand even though she can't save me I know she's looking down on me... I just had to believe. "No, i can't i have had enough.. enough. I need to let go.. I have fought to long, this pain both physical and emotional is killing me. I have too many scars on my arms and legs, and it's over.. no..just no" I was crying to hard at this point I had about three different tear trails falling down my face, by now I could have made a puddle on the floor with how much I was crying... "Yes so, the scars and tears show how far you have come it does not show how weak you are it shows how much you have fought to get where you are today" I looked through Courtney's eyes. I was weak alright, if I weren't weak why am I so close to doing something that could hurt so many people. Obviously I'm a messed up little fucker. Whose all alone, with fuck all and no hope.