January 13, 2015 2:14 AM
It's so early. I should be asleep right now, but I can't. I can't go back to sleep. I had another nightmare about him. It was the same as always. He disgusts me. I can't stop thinking about how I actually made small talk with him at Christmas. I disgust myself. Sorry about the smudges on the paper. The tears just won't stop falling on it.
I try not to think about it. About him, I mean. How could he do something like that? To someone so young? So innocent? I suppose it was so he could feel in control. I guess I shouldn't really blame him though. I mean, I did let him in a way. God, I can't even tell anyone about it. I'm so ashamed. I think about the way his hands felt...the way he...touched me. None of it felt good. I hated it. I hate myself even more for letting him do it, though. I've got to stop thinking about it. Stop reliving it. It happened ages ago. I need to get over it. Other people do. Right?
I better get back to bed.
this was really short and i apologize. i'll try to make it longer next time.