All the words,
The long lists of things to do when I get home from school,
The gossip and rumors,
and all the hate...
just builds up.
My step-mother is like a hurricane...
She destroys people's lives when there is bad weather/( it's not her way).
She married and totally ruined my family.
All the old traditions my family used to have...
She forces us to eat when her stomach is hungry, and what her stomach wants. She thinks I show off with the outfits I wear because hers are dull and make her look like an old lady. I can't have a phone anymore. My (real) mother gave me her style in clothing... not her. I can't even have an instagram. She makes me work out for an hour, if I want to go online. She also limits me an hour for homework, and I'm in high school. Going on the computer IS my homework.
I get told constantly to change my flaws.
Maybe I DO need to change.
No one cares about me anymore.
I have tried telling myself I can be powerful, and that I don't need love, because it's a want.
I'm falling in a deep hole, knowing no one want's to risk falling in to catch me.
My own mother moved away.
I sat up in my bed, as I woke up from my sleep cycle.
I just can't go back to sleep.
I looked up sad songs on youtube... from my boyfriends IPOD he lent me. I hid it in my bra, so my parents wouldn't find it. I saw this song by Britt Nicole called When She Cries. Before I listened to it, I started scratching myself with a tac in my room. It wasn't deep enough... So I grabbed a pair of heavy duty scissor, and started to CUT. I watched the blood run down, as a stinging sensation reminded me I was worthless. I noticed I had forgotten how to cry. I just watched, as all these new feelings awakened me from my ignorance of what was really going on in my life.
I knew some time or another after that long night, I would have to walk downstairs and face my biggest fears. Every day I would have to do this.
But why should I?
The question still lingers on top of the mess I have created in my mind. Every things my fault. I deserve this.
Non one should like me. I have forgotten how to love, how to cry, how to enjoy things in life I used to enjoy, and how to describe how I feel.
I cover my cuts with a long sleeve shirt. When I sit in the car for school, I feel the intensity of the pain in my wrists. Tonight I was doing both wrists, legs, and all the sides of my entire arms. Why doesn't anyone notice I am sad? No one cares. My step mom just told me to wipe the scowl off my face, when really I was just depressed. I wanted to escape from this world of imperfections. When I sat down at the table for dinner last night, I kept pulling down my sleeves... in hope that someone would care, but no one did. I counted to fifty with every bite I take of the disgusting meal, making sure it would be easy to digest. When I was done with my dinner, I went upstairs to my bedroom, and locked my door. I waited, silent in my bed until ten, knowing everyone was asleep, and did it... cut. Because I hate myself just as much as the world does.