Being with Niall and Maria is fun. I have an excellent time with them but they're just a filler. Everybody is really, a filler for the void you made when you left me.
You built me up piece by piece, block by block. You made me feel special and wanted in the world, I finally felt like I belonged, like I had purpose in my life but it was just leading up to that moment, that moment you told me you loved me and then left.
You built me up slowly piece by piece, but now your taking me apart. Like that game Jenga game we used to play when we were younger, except I haven't fallen yet, I am not crumbling to the ground. I'm swinging and swaying left and right, my fragile life in your strong hands. I think that's my problem, I don't have control over the situation. I don't have control over whether I'm going to dissolve into ashes or not. In fact I've never had control over anything in our relationship, all the cards have been played by your hand.
I feel like a caged animal at the zoo. I've been kidnapped from my natural habitat and pampered and prodded, now they've stuck me in a cage and showed me off to the world. At first I retaliated but I slowly realised over time it was no use, so I sit here withering away in my jail sell, waiting for you to come rescue me, but you never come. And you never will, the sooner I accept that the easier it will be to move on. I don't want to accept it though, I don't want to move on, I just want things to stay the same, so I'm guess I'm the fool then for thinking that things would stay the same cause they never do and they never will and I guess that scares me a little, I guess you scare me a little, how fast things can change and how fast you can change them.
To be honest I didn't think you would have such a big impact on me or my life. I never thought anything could leave such an impact on a life. But it did, you did. I'm angry at you for that, I'm angry at you for everything lately. I hate you. I hate how your presence lingers in the air. I hate how I can still hear your laugh. I hate the way you eyes twinkled in certain lights and I hate how I love you. I hate myself for loving you. I hate how you left suddenly and I absolutely hate how you left me behind. Cause you did, you left me behind. That ring on your finger and tattoo on your wrist was supposed to be forever and always. What happened to that? What happened to us no matter what?! All the promises you ever made and all our dreams, you left them behind, as well as me.
So I sit here alone, on a Saturday night while your probably out having fun with your friends, writing a letter to you that you probably won't receive and I sit here writing you because I'm too angry to actually talk to you and too sad to talk to anyone else.
Nobody understands me Harry! Not the way that you do, or used to anyway. Nobody understands us or what we went through. Babe I was there when you needed me the most, where are you? I still pretend your by my side everywhere I go watching over me, my sweet guardian angel but the truth is you probably couldn't care less. You probably throwing these letters out as you receive them. You probably still living your amazing life the way I'm supposed to be living mine. But how can I live when your not right there living it with me? How am I expected to do that? How am I supposed to move and meet new people when everything reminds me of you? Songs, places, smells, stories...they all trace back to you to us.
Us. That's all I want and will ever want, is for there to be an us. But that's never going to happen, I keep telling myself this but it doesn't sink, I refuse to let it sink in.
It's unbearable , the pain. On a scale from 1-10 it's an 11 and beyond. It's every emotion mixed into one bile container and I've swallowed it. When I'm not crying I'm screaming and when I'm not screaming I'm crying, it's an on going cycle. I wonder if you ever shed a tear for me, for us. I'd like to think that a drop of warm salty liquid squeezed it's way out of your big green eyes and managed it's way down your flush cheeks. Is like to think that you cared that even you showed a hint of emotion to leaving me in a blizzard with a t-shirt and shorts. If like to think that is we saw each other on the street or in another life that you would remember my name and embrace me in your warm, engulfing hugs, where you used your whole body to grasp me because you were twice my size. I'd like to think that you care.
Because I do, care I mean. I care too much, so much it hurts and I regularly check my pulse to make sure I'm still alive it hurts so much. The pain gets so overwhelming I don't think it can get any worse but then I hear your name or voice and I regret what I have just thought because it does get worse, it gets a billion times worse and I don't know how to make it stop. How did you make it stop? How did you make it stop so much that you feel nothing? Because that's the only reason I can't think of for why you left because you can longer feel anything, because you drank a magic potion that made you forget me, made you forget us. Maybe you have amnesia, I wish that I had amnesia on some days, where the pain is suffocating. Because forgetting seems to be the only way I'll be able to make it through. To forget that you, us even existed.
I was supposed to be the strong one in our relationship.
I was supposed to be the strong one in our relationship, the one who motivated both of us to do anything and everything. But you've taken that away from me, a huge chunk of my soul being another thing you've stolen and I don't think I'm gonna get it back. You know what, I don't want it back you keep it, I don't want any of this anymore I just want you, please tell me you feel the same way too..
Of course you don't, who am I kidding there was never an "us". I just wanted there to be an "us" so baldy I made it up i my mind. I understand completely now.