You can't decide whether money changes things or not; it does. You can decide, however, whether it changes things for better or worse.


31. Thirty one

It's sort of tense walking into the music studio with Alex. We both drop our bags by the door and he sits in his usual seat and I sit in mine. I wonder if we're actually going to get around to talking about it because I know for sure that I'm not going to be the one to bring it up but of course Alex does. He looks straight at me, leaning forward in his seat. His eyes are earnest and he looks serious. 

"I'm sorry." he says, gently. 

"Me too." 

"You don't have anything to be sorry for."

I laugh a little but I kind of feel like I might start crying. "I trashed your cars."

He chuckles. "I deserved that."

"Yeah you did." I admit and he laughs again before the mood turns serious again. There's just one question that I guess I've been asking myself this entire time and I decide to ask him instead. "Why did you do it?"

"Which part?" he asks. 

"The part where you slept with me, then got a girlfriend and then told me I meant pretty much nothing to you."

He almost winces. "I am so pissed off with myself right now." I don't say anything and he carries on talking. "I... can I be honest with you?" 

"Yes please."

"I wasn't lying when I said those things to you before we had sex. I was lying when I told you that I lied, okay? I meant every word I said that night at your house, I did really like you."

"Then why would you do what you did?" I ask, not looking at him. "Why would you be so horrible?"

"Because I also meant it when I told you I didn't want to lose my friends." he says, dipping his head a little to try and get me to look at him. "I just wanted things to go back to normal. I was scared of losing my friends, I was scared of trying anything new, I was scared of getting close to you so I just tried to forget about you and then I started dating Sarah to try and get things back to normal but I guess it wasn't working."

I don't say anything. I don't really know what to say. 

"I am so sorry." he says, placing his hand over mine. I automatically pull it away but he just wraps his fingers around my hand. "I really like you Kaya."

"Don't." I shake my head. "Sarah-"

"Don't bring Sarah into this."

"We have to bring Sarah into this because she's your girlfriend." I pull my hand away. "You can't just forget about her. That's no better than what you did to me."

"Kaya." he pulls my seat closer towards him and rests his forehead on mine. I want nothing more than to just kiss him. I can't help but wonder why I care about Sarah because we're not friends and she wouldn't care about me this way, but I can't sit here and kiss Alex when she likes him so much. It's so ordinary for girls to be bitchy and try and pull each other down these days but I think it's more important that we try and respect each other and I can't sit here and kiss Alex when he belongs to her. I don't pull away though and Alex puts his lips a little closer to mine and for the slightest moment, our lips brush and then I stand up, going towards to door and grabbing my bag.

"Not now." I say when I see the look on his face. "When you've sorted things out with Sarah then we'll talk about it."

"Are we going to spend our entire lives planning when we're going to talk to each other about things?" he asks, standing up and wandering over to me. "When are we actually going to do anything?"

"Talking is important." is all I say and then it's like we decide at the same time to hug each other. At the exact same time, he puts his arms out and I step into them and hug him back. 

"It'll all work itself out." he murmurs, resting his chin on top of my forehead. 

"Yeah." I whisper.

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