The Fairytale Truths


1. Snow White

I'm Snow White the fairest maiden of all the land and I'm loved by everyone. That's what you think when you hear my name but it's all a big lie. Everyone thinks that because I posted it on my Instagram account but you shouldn't believe everything you see online. Those suckers totally fell for my princess act. First of all I'm not pretty, I just edited my profile picture on Instagram so I would look glamorous. I live in a castle but it belongs to my parents, they're just letting me stay there until I get enough money to buy my own. My bank account got hacked from Snapchat, who knew sending pictures of your ID, and all other personal information/stuff could allow someone to steal all my money? The only time I can show my face is on Halloween when everybody thinks I'm wearing a mask and when it's not Halloween I pose as Snow White's ugly maid, Lucinda. That's the price you pay for being ugly. One day this evil old hag came to my parent's doorstep asking, "Is Snow White here, I have an apple to make her more beautiful". What are the chances that I could get my hands on one of those? I told her I was Lucinda the castle-maid and that I would give Snow White the apple when she woke up from her beauty sleep. Where are the Seven Dwarfs, you may be asking? Those clumsy little oafs couldn't tell a princess from a donkey, if they had to choose they would probably choose the donkey, thinking it was the princess. Why would the fairytales lie? Because this is supposed to be a children's story with ponies and kisses. Get real 'cause the world doesn't work that way. I'm too ugly to be loved by anyone. The last prince who came looking for me found an ugly sleeping woman (me) in the bed where Snow White was supposed to be ( I'm sorry to disappoint you but I'm the only Snow White there is). The prince was paralyzed when he saw how ugly I really was and he had to go to the hospital where he's in a coma right now (my secret is still safe *sigh of relief*). I know I technically put a prince in a coma and changed the whole Fairytale all because of a little white lie. There's an invitation at my parent's front doorstep inviting me (Snow White) to Dopey the Dwarf's wedding (he's marrying a donkey, what are the odds of that) so I'll just pose as Lucinda and tell them Snow White couldn't make it and told me to go for her. Back to the apple, maybe I could be beautiful like the fake Snow White so I can become the real one and say I fired Lucinda if I eat the apple. I fell to the ground, frozen, I could still think but the only thing that was on my mind was how a mirror was in front of me and I still didn't look pretty at all. I was stuck like that for a long time until a prince who I texted regularly when we met on Instagram came looking for me because I hadn't texted him in more than a minute and that was the longest period of time we've ever not texted each other. His profile was perfect so we went on an online dating thing and have been with each other ever since. We haven't actually met until he burst through the door just now. He was ugly too! "Snow White?" he asked, "Is that you?". He bent down and kissed me, suddenly I could move again! I slapped him away because he was so ugly and punched him in the guts. "You said you were handsome!" I spat in his face, "I don't want to date a jerk who lies about their appearance and all their other personal information, I can't believe how self centered you are!". After that we never texted again, my parents kicked me out of the castle, and I became an old hag who rummaged through everyone's garbage. THE END.

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