"What about Kimberly" Kayleigh asks curiously, her eyes gazing in to me, piercing in to my fragile soul, tears brimmed in her eyes, and gentle trickle down her cheek.
Kayleigh wiped her tears hastily, forcing a smile on her face, trying her best to be brave and strong I admired her bravery, and courage. Kayleigh would never act low, she would never try to be weak, or fragile, or vulnerable which she was. Kayleigh was one of the most delicate, and yet fragile person I had ever met, and really vulnerable. Even though she tried not to show it, but she was. Kayleigh tried to be brave, she had always tried to be strong, but sometimes pretending, and trying was not enough for her. I had always wanted to protect Kayleigh, she was really weak inside, and my hearts yearned and hope to protect, and love her dearly. But Kayleigh was kind of strong too; she always put on a happy brave face. Even if her world was down, and every body around her was upset, or sad, or distressed Kayleigh would still put on a happy brave smiling face, and try to remain strong. She would always put on a happy brave face to others, and try and be strong.
Which I know was really hard, even at some times I would act weak, or cry in front of every one, which I felt was kind of embarrassing. Thinking that I was this big, famous, strong, handsome, cool, brave, amazing and fabulous pop star sensation from heart throb boy band one direction. This is what every body thought of me. They all believe I was like this. That I was just this handsome, famous, strong, cool, brave pop star. They all believed that because I was a pop star, and was in the heart throb boy band one direction, that I would be this imagination, or a figment of it that they believed would suit this pop star name and image. They would just think of me as smart, handsome, wild, brave, strong, courage’s, famous hot pop star, that was stronger than every body else, and was much better than every body else. Which I clearly was not. Even I cried some times, if my whole world turned down, and if every body and everything around me, had just then come crushing down. It would make me cry, it would make me burst the dam I had brought up. This was clearly not a side to what every body believes to be hot, famous, wild, strong, amazing Niall Horan, which everybody believed I was, nevertheless, I was clearly not. I was weak, well as weak as any body else. Just because of my irresistible good looks, or that of my fans, or that I am a celebrity does not even make me one bit stronger, or better than any body else. But Kayleigh was better than me. She was always stronger; she had always been a brick of hope, and faith. Even if Kayleigh world came down, or some thing bad had happened. Kayleigh would remain strong for every body around her, but on the inside she would be crying her heart out. She would pretend to be strong, storing up all the emotion and tears that she felt, and would cry by herself, not wanting any body to see her. She wanted to be strong. Kayleigh wanted to be strong. But what she did not know was that she was already strong, and well the most strongest and bravest person I knew, and I knew loads and loads of people.
"I never loved her, I loved you, I only pretended to love her, to try and forget you, but I can't" I exclaim.
"I love you" Kayleigh mumbles honestly, tears trickled down her eyes, and her eyes glistened with joy and love, she smiled at me warmly, her smile shining brightly like the sun shine.
Kayleigh tucked a strand of her beautiful glossy brown hair, and looked at me with love and happiness, but behind all of that façade I knew she was upset. I knew that no matter how Kayleigh could pretend to forget the past and what I had done, and tries to forget me. I knew that really Kayleigh would never forget, because of me Kayleigh would always feel the countless pain and endless agony I had caused her. I knew that behind this mask. Kayleigh was broken, shattered and hurt. All because of me Kayleigh was hurt. I had hurt her so much. I had made Kayleigh cry. I had made that one person I did not want to hurt cry. I had hurt her, it was my entire fault that Kayleigh had been hurt and that she had cried. It hurt me a lot knowing that, it will remain in my life forever. I will never forget the countless pain and endless agony I had caused her. Of course Kayleigh would never actually forget the pain and tears I had caused her. How much I must have hurt her, without even knowing it? How could I ever be that stupid? I love Kayleigh more than anything, she was delicate and fragile, and I had broke her. I had hurt her, and caused her pain and suffering. What had I done? I am so sorry Kayleigh. I never actually meant to hurt her. I really did not. Kayleigh meant my whole world. I loved her more than anything. If Kayleigh smile it struck me like the sun radiating at me, and made me smile. But if someone had hurt Kayleigh. I would hurt them, and now that Kayleigh had been in endless pain and agony it hurt me. It hurts me knowing that I was the one that hurt Kayleigh. That I had been her tormentor. That for every single tear drop, it had all been my fault, my fault she was crying. My fault she had been in pain and agony.
If Kayleigh hated me, or hurt me. I would at least feel less guilty, more happy that she had hurt me the same way. But Kayleigh did not do that. She pretended nothing had happened. She masked away her true emotions, and cried by herself. Not telling me, trying to be brave and strong, she did not want me to know how much pain and agony she had been through because of me. But I knew, and it was all my fault. Kayleigh did not trust me enough to tell me how much pain she had been through, how much she hated me. But I know all right. I hate myself for hurting Kayleigh. I broke her; I shattered her into tiny pieces. I hurt her, and she knows that. Everybody knows that but still, Kayleigh pretends it was all a horrific terrifying nightmare, that it did not happen. How could she pretend it did not happen? Because I sure did. Every single day. Every hour, every minute, every month. All because I hurt Kayleigh. I hurt my beautiful angelic loveable soul mate Kayleigh. I hurt her, me her soul mate. How could I have done that? How could I have hurt her. I still don’t know how could I not have trusted her? How could I have hurt her? How could I have broken her? It was my entire fault, all mine. Nobody else’s but mine. Everybody could pretend that it was just a horrific nightmare, and that I had never hurt Kayleigh. But I knew that inside everyone hated me for it, and that they would always remember I had hurt Kayleigh. Especially Kayleigh herself, she must hate me so much. I hurt her. How could I have done that? I hated myself so much. I wanted to hurt myself, I deserve to feel hurt.
It was because of me Kayleigh had been in pain and endless agony. My fault that she had been alone, cold, neglected, unloved, afraid, pain. Angry. All mine, everything is my fault. I am so not good for Kayleigh, she deserves so much better than me. She deserves someone who can trust, and care and love her. Somebody who won’t make her cry, or hurt her. Someone who will trust and love her, and not hurt her like I did. Someone who would not let a single tear drop trickle down her cheek. Someone who would make Kayleigh always happy, someone who would make sure she was always happy, and smiling and that she was never in pain and endless agony, and that she was never hurt or in pain. My fault. She deserves so much better than me. I was horrible, mean, not trusting anyone, a monster, a villain. I was cold. I had hurt Kayleigh, and still she came back to me. Still Kayleigh came back to me, and said she love me. How could she do that? Did she not want to leave me? If I was her, or possibly in her position I would hate me. I would want to hurt me, for causing her pain. But Kayleigh did not do that. She still loves me, she still cares. Her heart is as strong and precious as gold. She still loves me, she still wants me. When everybody else in her position would hate me, she did not. I would hate myself, and I still did. I hated myself a lot. I thought myself as a monster. I would hurt myself. But Kayleigh did not. How could she not hate me, and want to hurt me? I knew why because Kayleigh was stronger, and much better person then I ever would be. Kayleigh deserved more, someone a lot better than me. Someone who would love her truly, and value her, and keep her always happy and smiling. Keep her always happy, keep her smiling, keep her loved and value her truly for her true worth.
It hurt me a lot to know that the tears were because of me, and it hurt a lot. I hated the feeling which built in to me like a roaring fire which would go loose soon, an angry fuming, ferocious and menacing burning would set out from me, and would want to lash at myself. I wanted to wipe all the tears that trickled down Kayleigh beautiful divine face because of me. I hated the fact that the tears that trickled down Kayleigh beautiful, divine, sweet angelic face were caused by me, that it was the same tears which I desperately wanted to wipe off. I hated especially that it was my entire fault. All my fault. My fault that Kayleigh had cried so much. My fault that Kayleigh had been scarred, and hurt beyond measure because I had not trusted her enough. I knew that Kayleigh had been hurt beyond measure, which all the pain and agony she had been through was all because of me. I wanted to hold her in my arms, and reassure her. I want to wipe away all the tears which I had caused, and tell her how sorry I was. I wanted her to hurt me, so I could cry too, so that she would know how sorry I was. I would do anything for Kayleigh, and never did I really mean to hurt her. I really did not. I hated the fact knowing that all these months away from Kayleigh had been bruised and hurt because of me, all because of me. Me, Niall Horan, a stuck up blonde jerk, who really did not know how to treat his loved ones, or know when to trust someone, and the right person. I should have trusted Kayleigh.
I knew that I could trust Kayleigh, more than any body else in the world. I loved Kayleigh, more than anything else in the entire world, and I trusted her more than anything else in the world. Kayleigh was my heart, she was my soul. She was what kept me breathing, and kept me living. Kayleigh was my life. She was what made me want to live. The quote “You only realize how much some body means to you, when they are gone, away from you” was true, well it was true especially for me.
I only realized the importance of Kayleigh, when she was not with me. Kayleigh was so important to me, and I only realized it now. I hope it was not too late to realize how much Kayleigh worth was, and how much I needed her. So much. In fact.
But I understood why I did not trust her, because I loved her so much. Well you mind find that weird, not trusting the person you love. But it is indeed the person you love the most, who hurts you the most and it is extremely painful, and hurts. So that was what I was trying to protect myself from. From not getting betrayed by somebody I loved, by not giving my trust to any body, until I was completely sure that they deserved it, and know I knew that it was kind of stupid. I knew I could trust Kayleigh, and I knew that I loved her more than anything. I should have trusted her before, let her into my life, a lot more. Let her be there for me, not be afraid of getting hurt, but now, instead of me I had not trusted my beautiful beloved soul mate Kayleigh, and had hurt her badly, made her cry. All because of me, me. I hated seeing Kayleigh cry in pain and agony, in fact I hated even if a tear would brim in her eye, or trickle down her face. If it were somebody else, that had hurt Kayleigh. I would have immediately gone to them, and hurt them myself just as badly. But when it was me, I did not know what to do. I felt guilt, upset, and angry at myself. All because of me, Kayleigh was hurt. Sometimes I really did wonder if Kayleigh was better of with somebody else, somebody who could love her, and trust her, and value her worth, and never let a tear even trickle down her cheek. But then I knew I could not live without Kayleigh, and I loved her too much. I did not mean to hurt Kayleigh. I really did not. But I had, I had hurt my beautiful beloved soul mate Kayleigh, and it was my entire fault, all mine.
I won't let her go, not now, not ever. I loved her too much to let her go. I wanted to let her go, because I knew I was not so good for Kayleigh. I knew she deserved someone better than me. Somebody who could truly love her, and value her, and not even let a single tear drop fall from her beautiful divine angelic face. It was my fault. I had let her cry. I had not wanted even a single tear drop fall from her beautiful angelic, fragile and delicate face. But I had. Me. The person who would do anything for her, and loved her more than anything in the entire world. I loved her more than anything. Kayleigh was my everything. She was my entire world. Kayleigh meant my whole world. If she cried, I cried. If she smiled, I would smile. If I hurt her, I wanted to hurt myself a lot more. I needed Kayleigh, with me. I wanted her to be the person who would share everything with me. I wanted her to be there for me, when I was down or crying, and knew she would be there. She would reassure me, and hold me in her arms, and give me a shoulder to cry on. If I done anything good, or got promoted, or if we got a new record deal, or became more famous. I would know that Kayleigh would be the first person to celebrate, and I knew that she would feel like whatever good had happened, was to her.
Kayleigh was the missing piece to me, she was the soul inside of me, and I needed her. I could live without her, but then I could not pretend I was happy, my life would be changed, and I would be dying on the inside. Kayleigh was like fresh air, which I needed to breathe. Without Kayleigh, I would be just dead. I wanted Kayleigh, so badly. I loved her so much, and I never really would want to hurt her. I really did not. I hated when she cried, it made me feel angry and in pain. If Kayleigh was in pain. I was too, and I was more in pain and angry at myself for being the reason for her to shed her tears, and feels in constant pain, and agony, all because of me. I was so sorry Kayleigh, so sorry. More than words could say. I would do anything for you, give up being in 1D, being a pop star, give up everything, even my life, just so Kayleigh could be happy. Kayleigh was my everything, and I knew if she was happy I would be too, but knowing she was in pain and constant misery, and agony mixed together because of me, really hurt a lot, and made me want to hurt myself. Even if Kayleigh would forgive me. I could not. I could never forgive myself, knowing that I had hurt my beautiful beloved soul mate Kayleigh, that I had made her feel in pain and anger. That I had hurt her, without even meaning to. Even if Kayleigh forgave me, and just forgot about this. I could not. I could never forgive myself, or forget all the pain, and agony Kayleigh had been, all because of me. My entire fault. All mine. The incident will always be in my heart, and I will never truly forget or forgive myself for what I did to Kayleigh, and I knew she would not either. That Kayleigh would always remember what happened, and the pain, agony, and misery I had caused her, and would never forgive me truly. I knew things would never truly be the same between us ever, that we would not have the same connection, or have the same love, or share the same trust, and friendship we had shared before, and it was all my fault that nothing would ever be the same again. The same love, and friendship, and trust and bond we had shared before would never truly be the same again.
That no matter how hard I would try and fix the broken piece, and mess I had caused would never be fixed. That even if I tried to heal the pain and agony, and scars I had caused my beloved soul mate Kayleigh, would never truly heal. That Kayleigh would never truly be the same again, and neither would I. That no matter how hard I tried to fix all the broken pieces, and heal all the wounds I had caused her, would never truly heal. That everything we had before. That perfect love, friendship, caring for each other, trust for each other, love for each other, that special connection, that soul mate thing would never be the same again. Whenever Kayleigh ever cried again, or I would be able to remember was that I had made her cry before. That if I said I would protect her, and love her, not even let a single tear trickle down her cheek. I could not really protect her because I had hurt her myself, what if I hurt her again by accident. That I knew she would love me the same again. That I could not promise to ever let a single tear fall, because I knew that maybe next time she cried it could all just be my fault. That even without knowing to, or meaning to I could hurt Kayleigh. I could not protect her, if I was not sure if I would be able to protect her. It hurt knowing, that I could not protect Kayleigh as much as I wanted to, that I could not fix all the broken scars and pieces I had caused. That my beautiful beloved soul mate Kayleigh would not smile again. That Kayleigh my beautiful, angelic, delicate, beloved soul mate Kayleigh would never be the same ever again, that she would never truly forgive me again, and I deserved that. If Kayleigh my beautiful beloved soul mate would not forgive me, I would then know it was my entire fault, and that I deserved that. That I did not deserve someone as beautiful, as kind, caring, loving, as amazing, gentle as Kayleigh. That we would never truly be the same ever again.
“Please come back to me Kayleigh. I love you too much; you mean the whole world to me, and without you my beloved soul mate. I am nothing. I need you Kayleigh. I love you so much, and desperately need you. Please come to me. I love you; I need you to become complete. I have been missing you for so long, and have cried buckets and buckets of tears missing you so much. I love you Kayleigh. I need you my beloved soul mate, you’re my beautiful sparkling diamond Kayleigh, and I love you so much. Please come back to me.” I ask Kayleigh, pleading with her with a lot of desperation.
"I need some time" Kayleigh interrupts suddenly, shocking me, causing my mouth to go wide open.
I repeatedly blink open my eyes repeating it, and rub it. I raise my eye brows in shock. I did not believe that, it was the most unexpecting thing which happened. I thought she would just say yes. I thought Kayleigh would just return to me, and we would return together home happily. I had missed Kayleigh so much that it hurt. No one was able to fill that whole that Kayleigh left. No one. Not even the boys, Jessica or Kimberly could. It was a whole that only Kayleigh could fix. I needed her so much. Only when I was without her. I realized how much she was worth, how much I needed her without even realizing that I did so much. I need her so much, and now. I thought today we would return home together, and live happily together peacefully. But Kayleigh was not going to be able to forget that horrible thing which I had done to her, and I was very sorry for doing that. But I could not forget either. But I understood it that Kayleigh needed time. If she needed time I would have to give it to her. I was surprised and still in shock, maybe Kayleigh would never return to me, maybe she stopped loving me, maybe she did not want to give up her old life and return to me. Maybe she was already so happy that she can be. Maybe she never wanted to return to her old life to me. Maybe she already began her new life, and loved it so much that she did not want to return back to me, maybe she forgot me. Maybe she stopped love me. No! It could not be, that would hurt me so much, more than anything but it could be true. Maybe Kayleigh did stopping loving me, maybe she really never wanted to return back to me. If she did not. I would have to accept that. No matter how hard that felt and hurt. It was Kayleigh choice, whatever she wanted I did. I loved Kayleigh, and that was all mattered.
"What!" I shout in terror, standing up mouth wide open, feeling very surprised, and still in shock.
She says she loves me, but she needs more time. She wants more time. More time. Without me. She needed more time. Without me. It hurt. A lot. But I had to give her more time. If she wanted it. I had to give it to her. I could not control Kayleigh, and would never do that, and whatever she wanted was her choice. I could not control her like a puppet on strings, and I did not know her. Kayleigh was not a pet that I could buy, a dog which would do whatever I told it to do. Nor was Kayleigh a little toy that I could pass around to my friends, or fix when she was broken. Kayleigh was much more than that. She was my true soul mate. The only person who I truly loved and cared for, and would do anything for, and would never want to hurt her, or do anything which could really hurt her, or break her. It hurts so much to know I had caused some of Kayleigh pain and misery, and just wanted to share it with her. I loved Kayleigh so much, and could not live without her. I guess the saying “You only understand a person true worth when they are not with you anymore” was true, because it was only when Kayleigh had left me did I realize how much she was worth, and how much I loved her, and how much I needed her in my life. I loved Kayleigh, and only her, and desperately wanted her to be mine once more. I want us to be happy again. I want us to be back in love, and never fight. I want to hold her, hug her, protect her, and love her. Adore her with kisses, and show how much she meant to me, and how much I loved her.
But I knew everything could not be back to the same again. I could not fix Kayleigh in the ways I had broken her by leaving her, by throwing her out, and leaving her out in the rain. How I had thrown her out without listening to her side of the story? How quick I had been to judge her? How angry I was at her, without thinking clearly first like a normal person. Without being smart, or thinking clearly. Without really knowing what was going on, and then hurt Kayleigh, my beloved soul mate who I loved by not trusting her enough. By not trusting her enough to trust her when she said it was an accident, not trusting her that she would never be unfaithful to me, not trust her when she said she only loved me, and only me, and that it was not her fault. It was not Kayleigh fault. It was my fault. My fault for not trusting her enough, my fault for shouting horrible things at her. My fault for hurting Kayleigh so much, and breaking her into little pieces. Making her so fragile, and hurt. My fault that Kayleigh had cried so much. My fault that everybody had hurt Kayleigh. My fault that no one was with her by her side.
My entire fault. Mine. Nobody else’s. Mine. All mine. Not my beloved soul mate Kayleigh, who I loved so much. I had never meant to hurt Kayleigh. I never did. I mean why I would hurt my beloved soul mate Kayleigh, who I loved so much. Why? It was all a misunderstanding. It was nobody faults of what happened, it was an accident and neither Harry nor Kayleigh planned that. I knew they both loved me, and now I realized that they were two of the most people who I could trust, and I trusted them now enough to know they would never do that to me and that it was my fault for hurting them both. I should have never questioned them both of hurting me, or for being unfaithful to me, when I now know that they would never do that to me. I should have trusted them. It was a mistake I did, but I would never forget that. I needed to know who to trust, it was hard. But I realize I can trust Kayleigh, and the boys with anything. I know they will have my back, and always be there for me, through thick and thin, and I know that even in my worst moments they would be there lending me a crying shoulder to cry on, and in my happiest moments be there with me, celebrating and by being there making it a million times better.
"I need some time, please Niall" she begs, staring right into my eyes, hope filling her voice, as she waited desperately for my answer, knowing that her whole world lasted on my response, that whatever would happen next was because of the both of us, and even if it was good or bad, we would still be soul mates, and I would still love.
"Sure, I'll wait forever for you" I reply honestly, waiting for that wait to soon be over.
I understood it, she needs some time, to think, to clear her head, but I will wait for her, I just miss her so much, I will wait forever for her. I love her, and I will always love her for she is my own and only soul mate. The only one for me. My one, bright, beautiful sparkling, loving diamond who means so much to me, and means the whole world to me.
“Thanks Niall. I love you so much, you mean so much to me, but I just need a little time, to think clearly, and just change my life. But Niall, one day very soon. I can come back to you, and I know you are sorry for not trusting me, but it is okay. As long as you know we can trust each other on anything, and that I will always be there for you, through thick and thin. I love you so much Niall you mean my whole world, and you are everything to me Niall, and I love you so much Niall. I can’t wait to begin our whole life together. I love you Niall, and I always will.” Kayleigh tells me, pressing her lips on mine.