i feel like my lungs are being deflated like a balloon, i breathe in and like magic they fill.
it is funny how we don't think about it much and we just breathe but for me it is so hard i think that if i deflate them once too much they will not fill again that is what happens when you have stage 3 lung cancer.
but less than a week ago i felt this pain in my chest but all i thought of it was that it was just heartburn or my asthma acting up again then the next thing i knew i was on the floor my lungs screaming for air and all i could do was wait until someone came to find me just laying there. Then just as i started seeing stars my mom came in to check on me and all i could whisper "bye mom" and my world went black
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
when i woke up i was in a very bright room and it had dinosaurs on the wallpaper, definitely not how my room is. then i herd faint weeping in the corner, it was my mother. i tried to move but i was hooked up to something, i slowly turn my head to see and IV hooked up to me, it it wasn't putting fluid in, it was taking this milky white liquid out of where i guessed my chest."mom" i whispered
her eyes lit up"hunny your awake!" she said joyfully
"where am i, and how did i get here," her eyes stopped glowing "mom it's okay i can take it just tell me"
"well hunny you are a very brave soul and you can get through this"
"MOM" i started to raise my voice "Just tell me what is wrong"
she looks down and takes my hand"hunny you have cancer.............stage 3 lung cancer to be precise"
"I have what mom?"
"i'm so sorry bug, but you can get through this i know you can" she said giving little to no hope at all
then i started to see stars again and i layed down from my upright position and my mom asked "are you okay?" she was concerned abot me
"yah, i i i'm fine jjjjust aaa llitle lllight headdded" i said not being able to control my studder that i usally can hide
" no hun you're not becaue if you were you wouldn't have studdered because you can always control it if you can but right now you losein----"and the world darkened again
Thinking about this all, this was not what I thought would happen to me. I thought that, yeah, I will get some shocking news sometime within my life, but this?! This was not at all what I had anticipated when I spent time wondering about what I would face in my future.
What would happen when my friends found out? What would it be like when I started chemotherapy ? What will happen to me? will i lose all of my hair? even though my hair is short enough, i have my lightish brown hair in a pixi cut already. would it be easier if i just cut all of my hair off when the first clump falls out? So many questions and so little answers...
The world started to grow brighter as my eyes opened. It was silent, but it was so loud with the questions pounding in my head. my mom was right by my side along with a nerse on the other side changing my fluid bag that was full of that weid milky white fluid when I opened my eyes all the way.
"Hunny, are you okay? Does anything hurt? Are you breathing okay?does your chest hurt?" she asked in a hurry. Mothers...
"Yeah... I-I'm fine. Nothing hurts... I'm okay, I guess." I said, kind of sleepily. Lightheaded again, I took a breath, slowly. I was scared to breath, afraid that my lungs won't work and fill with air. It was a really scary experience to have stage three lung cancer. It was not a normal thing for a person like me.
"Are you sure? The machines must be scaring you a little, I'm sorry. Hunny, I know you can get through this-" she said before I cut her off.
"Mom, you've been saying that a lot lately. I know, you have faith that I can get through this. Let's keep that faith. What's going on?" I asked as a doctor rushed in after the nurse walked out in a hurry. The machine got louder and I didn't know why.
"Mom, what's going on?" I asked.
"Hunny, I don't know!" she replied. The light headedness kicked in again... I knew what was next. My world blackened. yet Again for what felt like the millonth time in my time here...
"so has jaylynn been experiencing any motion sickness or vomiting at all for the past few weeks" dr.hood asked me while my daughter still uncounsious in her bed
"well a little in the morning right as she wakes up but that could be because the cancer. right?" i asked a little confused on where he was going with this
"well yes and no, lung cancer usally attacks the respitory system not the digestive system, we will have to to a ultrasound to make sure the cancer did not in fact spread to the digestive system"
"if not what are we looking at that it might be?" i asked not sure i want to know the answer
"well i'l have to consult my colleagues but your daughter might be pregnant"said Dr. Hood
omygosh i might be a grandmother what will i tell her father, willl he even care it not like he has been in the picture science she was born he left us for poker and drinking. he doesn't need to know ab this
WHAT?!?! i cant be pregnant i only had it once and that was a week or so ago @ a party with one of my best guy friends he cant have gotten me pregnant or WAIT DID WE USE PROTECTION?!?! nononono my life is ruined i might be pregnant with my best friend's baby, if i am how will i tell him without toatally ruining our friendship?we cant be parents i have cancer for the love of pete i could die and not be able to raise my own baby and if i don't tell Ash that it's his baby then who will raise it? i don't think my parent will bc then they would have to find closer jobs to be able to take care of it. what if they put it in to an ophanage? so many questions and no answers at all i hate this vicious cycle.
My mom works at the hospital and was worried about Jaylynn because she is my friend and i have her round sometimes and de heard that she was in the hospital today so she asked around and found out that she is pregnant but even worse. cancer. all i could think about was the party a week or so ago. I was so stupid to let those two go into a room like that i see Jay as my sister and i dont want anything happening to her so after i was told that i went strait to ashton's.
*knock knock knock*
"Ashton open the mother fucking door" i yelled when i got to his house, he lives alone most of the time because his parents are so rich that they can ship their son to anywhere and just check on him in the summer so he chose here. so i don't have to worry about not cursing because his parents might be able to here me
"i'm coming im coming god damn you would think the world was ending because i am not right at my door waiting all day"
he opens the door with his cheeky grin on his face because of what he said
"no time to laugh we need to be serious and i need to talk to you now"as i say that his grin fades as he comes to notice that i am dead serious
"come in come in and i'll get us some coke too"
"dude no need to we need to get strait to the chase"i said
"o-o-o-o-o-okay " he said clearly scared
"okay you know how you said that you went all the way with Jaylynn at that party??"i asked him and he looked at me eyes wide
"y-y-y-y-y-yeah" he said shakily "why d-do yo-you ask"
"because she is in the hospital and my dad is her doctor and he said that she is pregnant and has cancer. so did you use protection at the party or not?"
his eyes filled with tears "no, we didn't. we couldn't find any so we didn't use any"he said shaking his head. he got up and walked out of the room taking out his phone
all i could do was sit there and sob looking at my phone deciding on weather i should tell Ash or not 'you should tell him he needs to know. he is the father you know. he needs to know that he will have a child in this world and maybe then he can help you decide on weather you should give it up for adoption or keep it. but not abortion that is not an option
*ring ring ring* crap it's Ashton i guess i wil- *RING RING RIN-*
"h-h-hello, Ashton I-" i was cut off by him yelling
"HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME THAT YOU ARE PREGNANT?!?!?"
"i-i-i was going to tell you, acually i was getting ready to ca-a-all y-y-you w-w-when you called m-m-me"i sobbed into the phone
"and are you thinking of keeping it ?because you won't be heathy enough to go through it all the way you know that right?"
"WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?!? THAT I GET AN ABORTION BECAUSE YOU KNOW WELL ENOUGH THAT I WILL NOT KILL AN INOCENT CHILD JUST BECAUSE I CA-" and i blacked out again