Fuck. It is the single most necessary and full functioning word in the English language. It is the word we use when we just can’t express our anger, our excitement, our enjoyment, our sadness, our surprise, and any other emotion well enough. If it’s a feeling, Fuck is the word of choice.
For me it was no different. May 1st at about 6:30 P.M when I thought my life was done forever and my heart was bleeding, I lit my first cigarette on the school patio, slumped into a chair and stared at nothing. My mind could only think of one thing to say, Fuck. I didn’t even think of what just happened, I just knew what had just happened, happened.
“People are saying that during HSPA week you were kissing some blonde girl.” Karin Drusell stared me down, funny because if I didn’t sit at a lunch table she would have had to look up at me. She was a short girl.
I decided to go to some French club thing the school was having that night. Coffee, pastries, seemed like a good distraction from home plus there was this raven haired girl that had an ass that wouldn’t quit, but a face that made me want to quit and just stare at the ass, who was going to sing at it and I may have said I’d go to listen to (stare at) her (ass). I had no idea that Karin would be there, let alone her friend Brook Walters. That bitch.
It was by the time I got there and saw my girlfriend that she had heard this rumor. I was happy to see her but then I got the cold shoulder and heard Brook laughing so I knew something was wrong. Just another fucking thing wrong. I went over to the table where Mark Light was sitting. Brook’s boyfriend at the time and a former acquaintance of mine. Now he’s just a smug prick who thinks he is better than anyone. I took the open part of the bench next to him.
“Did I do something?” I asked while biting a chocolate muffin I grabbed from the food table. He started to giggle like an asshole.
“Yeah,” he said through a dick-ish grin, “you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants.” He was still giggling like an asshole. I just sighed as long and exaggerated as possible.
At the time, I had a reputation for being a man whore, which is funny because I was still a virgin and just did everything else but sex. Whenever Karin and I broke it off, I would get as many girls to surround me as possible. I loved when girls told me I was cute, strong, sexy, etc. By the third time we broke it off I just kept all the girls at arm’s length, just in case. It is, however because of this reputation and my way of avoiding problems that has given way to an annoying amount of rumors. I waited for Mark to explain but all he did was laugh.
“Well what did I do?” I was holding at bay a lot of anger but what I wanted to say was, ‘WHAT THE FUCK? STOP GIGGLING LIKE AN IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING NOW?’ but I didn’t. Karin would have lost it if I did, and Brook would be even more of a bitch to deal with.
“Go ask her yourself.” He kept giggling. So I got up and made my way over to her to do just that.
Her and Brook were conversing in the corner like a bunch of kids which is weird because Karin was much more mature in public. I imagined they were thinking of which nut to shoot off or how fast the car should go to slowly rip my cock off with a string. I hate rumors.
“Sweetie?” Yes I had a pet name for her. First love and all that so why not ‘Sweetie’?
Brook glared at me with fire then whispered something to Karin in her ear before she left. Karin turned to me.
“What?” She had some fake smile that I saw whenever she was avoiding conflict with someone else.
“What do you mean what?” I tried to sound sweet so I could keep the situation as light as possible, “obviously I’m in trouble.”
“You’re not in trouble.” The cute face got cuter. She was really trying to avoid confrontation and it was getting on my nerves. I said I loved her and dammit I meant it but when she did this I couldn’t help but get frustrated.
Back and forth and back and forth we went with this, me saying I was in trouble and her saying I wasn’t, until I was sitting on the bench with her looking down on me accusing me.
“People are saying that during HSPA week you were kissing some blonde girl.”
“What people? Who’s saying that?”
“People,” she said. ‘Brook,’ I thought. I looked at her making sure to show my face as concerned when in all actuality I didn’t even want to deal with another rumor and/ or fight. I was, however, trying to think back to any blondes I was talking and flirting with but nothing came to mind. During the HSPAs Karin and I were on a bit of a hiatus anyway, well so I thought. Either way, I don’t remember any blondes in my sights so I wasn’t lying when I said,
“Sweetie, I promise I didn’t make out with any blondes.” I even threw in a little laugh to comfort her. It didn’t work.
“Even if that is true, how come you are always having these rumors spread about you?” She had a sass stance with her weight leaning on one hip, which was very out of character for her. Brook has really been getting to her. Damn bitch.
“Come on baby, you’re an AP student!” I REALLY didn’t want to deal with this. I needed at least my relationship to be intact. “You’re smart enough to know I wouldn’t do that to you if we are dating.” I, again, didn’t lie because if I flirted it was when our relationship wasn’t a relationship.
“OK so then let’s say you didn’t cheat, you still have those rumors following you around and what about Jane?” I almost shot out of my slouch.
In September, Karin’s seventeenth birthday was going on a Sunday evening. Nothing like a party, she would never, but her family was hanging out and she was getting a truck! So I was jealous and disappointed. Her family was close, her life was organized, she was getting a truck, and I wasn’t there with her. Dammit I was never there with her. I couldn’t keep thinking about it so I called up this freshmen basket case: attention craving destroyed home life type, and we went to East Dover Elementary and sat at some table in a corner of the school grounds.
Jane Pater and I kissed in the wind and she told me about how her sisters hate her and call her a bitch. Then I think there was something about how her mom is crazy and tried to kill her. She mentioned her girlfriend from a year ago was very rough, I couldn’t help but get a little hard at that. The way I saw it though was that her sisters were simply being older sisters and as for her mom, I remember Jane saying something about her mom going to a different state. So really all her problems were either explainable or solved. But all I did was look concerned and told her something along the lines of, ‘I’m sorry,’ or, ‘your life will only get better’ all while ignoring the pain about Karin and thinking about Jane and her girlfriend.
She looked so happy and cute. The hot kind of cute, and we rolled in the grass kissing and grinding until my fingers were down her pants rubbing her slick pussy.
Eventually word came around to Karin and we argued on the phone. In the end I groveled for her to forgive me and she said it was fine because at the time we weren’t together. After that she made it seem like we were fine until our next break up.
Now, however, she has the audacity to bring it up eight months after it happened and after she said we were fine? That day stayed with me for a while after it happened and I realized how selfish and fucked up I was being. I felt guilty enough as it was. I was pissed, steaming even but I told myself, ‘Calm down Jim. Let’s just get out of this fight and move on.’ So I kept my composure and told her calmly and as sincere as I could,
“Baby, you know I feel guilty about that. But that was a onetime thing. I was confused on our relationship at the time.” By this time, I heard awful singing in the background and I assumed it was the raven haired girl with the nice ass.
How much I just wanted this to be over and just watch that ass to forget it all. I hated fighting with Karin. I loved the days when Karin and I were just two teenagers in love and screwing around in her Ford pickup. Not the days when we fought and I had to remember how badly we have it.
“Jim Miles, I love you-”
“I love you too,” I quickly threw in. She continued,
“-that will never change. But we aren’t even really dating. I want to see the guy I am with outside of school. Your mother is getting in the way.”
“It’s the age difference, baby.” I have said that so many times it was like a broken record.
“I know!” Her voice rose a little but she pulled it back down. I could see and I knew she was done with hearing that same line as much as I was. “I know,” she said again, “but that’s the thing. We have a self-destructive relationship and all it’s doing is hurting us.” She wasn’t wrong. The stress was killing me and I couldn’t sleep without a weird nightmare finding its way into a hallucination for when I woke up. She went on, “you told me it wasn’t possible to be friends,” I did say that because I couldn’t have her so close yet so far, “so what else am I to do?”
I shut down. I knew where this was going. Another break up. I couldn’t even handle this right now. Not right now. So I didn’t and instead just went through the motions.
“What are you saying?”
“We are done.”
“Not again sweetie, I can’t lose you!” the words may have been scripted by this point but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t emotion in my words. Shut down or not.
“I’m sorry Jim. But this time I don’t think we should be in each other’s lives.”
If I wasn’t so shut down I would have probably fight her on that but I barely noticed. My mind was on the fact that I’m losing her, again. All I said was,
“If you think it’s for the best. I’m sorry for everything.”
“I’m sorry too.” And that’s when I stood up and walked like a zombie out the cafeteria doors, zombie shuffled to the patio and pulled out a cigarette a kid from school gave me a while back and I tucked in my wallet. I struck a match, the only one I kept next to the cigarette and brought it to the end. I smoked my first cigarette.
“Fuck,” I said because it was that moment that I realized how fucked I really was. I went home that night and bawled in the darkness of my room.
Fast forward a summer. It was a summer of shit, piss and drunkenness. Whenever I got the chance I would slip drinks. Wine, whiskey, dry gin, beer and every time I would cringe and force myself to feel the shitty taste running over my tongue. I drunk texted Karin once when I got drunk for the first time, cinnamon whiskey, but deleted it that same night. It said something about how I’m an asshole and lots of things about how shitty it is now and how I need her back. I also told her about the drinking and smoking in an effort to make her feel guilty and feel sorry for me and about the whole thing but Mom blocked her number a while back so the text couldn’t be replied to even if she wanted to though she could still receive it.
Other than that the only significant thing would be that my wardrobe changed. A few girls here and there but the significant thing would be my wardrobe. Before it all happened I would dress in very stylish clothes. Rough estimate I would walk with three hundred dollars’ worth of clothing and accessories at least. After everything though, I just put it all to the back of my closet and wore black T-shirts and jeans.
First day of school rolls around. The day I was dreading. I didn’t want to go back and be reminded of her. Karin was a senior and I was now a sixteen year-old junior. I sat in first period which was chemistry. Her favorite subject. I cursed myself.
I walked to second period saying hollow hellos to people I remember in the hallways. I tried to keep my happy go lucky façade that I used in school. I was the happy, flirtatious, crass social butterfly with no shame in what he does. All of which was true about me but I don’t always want to be happy. Other people don’t give a damn though and other people have problems worse than yours so why bug them with your issues? Instead take advantage of that shit. If need be, look like the strong guy who will help someone through there issues or talk to the girl who has issues because, and this is a fact, they are the craziest in bed.
My second period was gym and the minute I read that I said ‘Oh no. Oh god fucking no.’ But I got my shit together and walked in. Sure enough, there she was, sitting on the bleachers in a little black pencil skirt and button down top. Her legs were crossed and her glasses hung at the bridge of her nose. She was staring at some paper, probably AP something or another, and all I could think is who has she been with and why is she dressed like the rest of these sluts?
I never liked girls who were flashy showy offy types. The girls that walk around with tight fucking pants and with their tits hanging out always bothered me. Needless to say I didn’t enjoy or pursue them, but I never would date those slutty whores. We would have nothing to talk about and I would be more jealous then ever when I see how other guys stare them up and down.
That’s why Karin was such a great thing. She was a sexual deviant whom was very kinky but never looked like a whore. Well till now. Now I was conflicted on whether I should scream slut at her or fuck her with that skirt bunched up past her thighs. Hell, why not both?
While imagining how that scene would go; rough, torrid, and angry, I made my way to a set of bleachers in the gym. Now the gym had two bleacher sets. There was the one where Karin was which was the smaller one in the corner of the gym and the slightly bigger one which was adjacent. I had clear sight of her and her me, so we both avoided eye contact completely.
I sighed, sat down, leaned back and put my IPod on.
Two and a half Korn songs later, I get poked on my side. I don’t know anyone personally in this gym period besides Karin so I wondered who it was. Peeling my eyes open I looked to my left to see a girl with blackish brown hair just at her shoulders. Her eyes were honey brown and her face was plump but a good plump. Not fat but she looked cute, like Jane cute. She was grinning down at me from the bleacher seat above me. Her lips were plump too, very kissable.
“Yes?” I sounded a bit irritated I’m sure but this day was just being lousy so I didn’t much care at this point. I pulled out an earbud to hear her response.
“Nothing. Just wanted to chat. Are you a junior?” she asked with that grin, there was something odd about it being there. It was almost unnatural to her.
“Yeah,” I replied getting curious, “why do you ask?”
She looked at me, still grinning then leaned in to whisper in my ear.
“I’m a freshmen and I need a little fun.” Curiosity peaked. God I hoped Karin was watching. “I want an older guy and you look pretty old, and pretty hot.” I got that a lot, being told I look older. Seemed like a swing or miss with people though. It was either I looked older or I looked younger. I loved it when I looked older. She leaned back still grinning.
I looked her over to see past her face. Her tits were big. Small D’s and she had a gray Hollister hoody pulled over them. She had a matching pair of sweat pants that hugged her legs. Curved sexy thighs with a nice ass on the bleachers. I met a girl freshmen year who wore the same type of outfit. She never wore underwear under it. When I asked her why, she told me it was because it was comfortable but in my mind I knew it was because she was getting fucked in the bathroom and no underwear with sweats made it easier. That girl died of a Molly overdose I think.
This girl had no underwear underneath. I was so sure of it. I pulled out my other earbud and leaned up right.
“You like to play?” I asked.
She nodded, “Yeah. I’m DTF.”
DTF? What the hell did that mean? My phone was seven years old and I didn’t have a Facebook. I never wanted one, so when I heard ROFL or ‘salty’ for the first time I almost lost my mind trying to figure out what the hell those meant. What the hell was DTF?
“What is DTF?” I sounded monotone and tried to sound cool.
She looked at me puzzled for a second. Then her grin came back.
“I’m, Down. To. Fuck.” She put quite a bit of emphasis on it. I felt my face contort to a grin. A wicked grin.
She looked at me grinning back, I still thought it looked awkward on her face. Like happiness wasn’t her strongest emotion. Then her awkward grin got bigger and even more awkward.
“Want to taste my pussy?” She definitely had no underwear on and I hopped up onto the bleacher she was on
“What, like, right now?” I haven’t really met too many girls who weren’t afraid of in school fornication. She had grabbed my hand and guided me down her sweat pants, no underwear, and I ran my finger in between her lips. She was definitely horny. Wet and hot.
“Yes,” she said as my fingers rubbed her clit and prodded her entrance a little, “like right now.” She was gasping and reacting as my fingers played.
Now I was definitely for the idea. My teenage hormones always wanted stimulant, my mind always wanted distraction, and my heart always wanted revenge on Karin. This was a perfect moment to handle all three. I was getting a girl’s pussy. I was forgetting that I was an asshole who ruined his own life. I was going to show Karin how much I could have made her cum. But I was at the top of the bleachers of school and teachers were on the prowl. I didn’t need to get caught because I had absolutely no idea how to explain that one to my mom and step-dad.
“Do you have something to cover me or something?” I had two fingers prodding her entrance and she was lightly gasping when she nodded. She went through her bag, which was one of those draw string bags and pulled out a blanket. A blanket? I was completely caught off guard but kept doing what I was doing, always please the woman, but what the hell does she have a blanket for? She was definitely prepared. I started wondering if she kept condoms and spermicide in there too.
The blanket was thin and black and if she turned it long ways, which she did, then it could just cover me and her lap, which it did. I slipped her sweat pants down her legs just far enough that I could work the cunnilingus arts with ease and, if need be, she could pull her pants up if someone caught us.
On my knees under the blanket, I was working my fingers around her pussy feeling the lips and clit then I slithered one finger into her entrance to feel inside her. Brining my mouth to her pussy I sucked and licked at every bit of flesh I felt. The lips, clit, anything while I worked my index finger, making art. I am a firm believer in worship of the female form. You don’t call a penis beautiful because that doesn’t exist but a vagina is truly a beautiful work of art. I love the taste and smell. There is something in endorphins and the heat of the moment that makes a female crotch smell better than a pie getting baked by a scented candle. The taste too. There isn’t really so much a taste, in my opinion, but it’s more of the feel, getting the wetness on your tongue and lips. From the first time I did this to someone, Karin (Fuck!), I never got enough of it. I loved the oral arts of female pleasuring. I also found it amusing to look back at Erect Jim when I was not Erect Jim and see how weird I am.
What’s-her-name was moaning loud enough for me to here and I could just imagine what it looked like to a spectator. Some girl on the high bleachers moaning with her head rolling in pleasure and a blanket with a moving mass in her lap. How inconspicuous right? I was working her clit with my tongue. I picked up a strange habit and maybe this was just me torturing myself but I would do the letters K-A-R-I-N in different patterns with my tongue. I guess in some sick way I found it comedic that I got women off with my depression.
Her hands were rubbing my head over the blanket and whenever I felt a hand not on my head I imagined it was on her breasts. Not much in the idea of discrete but then again, Karin might see.
She eventually started sending both hands to grab my hair under the blanket. Now that looked even worse to the watching bystander, all they saw was her hands under a blanket with a moving mass in her lap while she moaned with her head rolling. I was still on her clit and sometimes spreading her just enough to let my tongue lick inside her when I felt her finger that were running through my hair tug quickly.
‘The hell?’ I thought but I kept going. Her hips started rocking in circles a little. Her fingers were running through my hair again and grabbed a handful and tugged even harder!
‘What the hell is she doing?!’ I winced a little but kept going. My tongue was working her clit again. I was somewhere between K and A when she started moaning and gasping even louder, her hips were rocking hard into my face. She was going for my hair again. Dammit, I prepared my head to feel that sting when she yanked. And I mean, YANKED! And I sure as hell wasn’t prepared for that.
“Fuck!” I snarled and I pulled my head back and my finger out but she was still holding on! I couldn’t get up without my hair being ripped out of my damn scalp. She, however was in her own world still rocking her hips and I saw she had her fingers finishing herself off. I was under the blanket trying to keep my hair and not make a scene. She obviously wasn’t. I heard her OOO and moan into an orgasm then she tugged me straight to her crotch and pushed me straight out hard and let go. What the fuck is wrong with- I was falling.
She had pushed me as she let go and I stumbled standing up then gravity, that cruel bastard took me down. You don’t realize how high you are till you fall. I went down head first. I tucked my head on reflex and cursed the whole way down. I slammed my shoulder on one bleacher and knocked some girl’s books over. My leg hit something somewhere and hurt like hell. I was really fucking falling and for one or two half seconds in those few seconds I hoped that Karin saw and felt some damn pity for me. I finally hit the last bleacher and crashed on the floor.
My neck was tucked upward and I slammed on my shoulder blades so my head was completely untouched and my pride never existed to begin with so that was fine. I didn’t move though. I heard the laughter rumble through the stage but I didn’t care. I opened my eyes and sighed. My fucking leg hurt and my shoulder was just sore. I looked over to Karin who was just staring, her emotion was unreadable, so I turned my gaze to the hair pulling bitch. She was just laughing hard. She still had the blanket over her lap which meant her pants were still down but she didn’t give a damn. She was just laughing. I don’t even think she realized she caused it, or she did and she just didn’t care.
I let my head back as I just laid there on the floor. It smelled polished and I tucked my hands under my head like a pillow. I stared at the lights for a second or two and just laughed and laughed and laughed some more.
Oh how far I have fallen.