mum had kept a diary my entire life. It was her escape. I searched her room, until I found a box of diaries from the last 20 years. 2003. The year Craig was killed. If my mum knew anything, this would tell me. I felt sick. But now I'd know, I guess.
January 4th, 2003
Craig came back to see me today. Ashton kept coming downstairs, I really didn't want him to see him. If he told his dad, heaven knows what he'd do. I miss Craig. And seeing him today made me realise that. I just wanted to hold him. But I have Ashton to protect now. My baby. And I will always protect him from the vile past, I so strongly wish I could hide forever. One day he'll know, about why me and his dad ended. About me and Craig. About the little girl. The beautiful Maia. Already lost in this bitter war.
January 10th, 2003
Ashton overheard his dad talking about Craig today. When he told me, my heart sank into my chest. He came round, yelling abuse about how he'd make us both pay. Ashton can't see him anymore. My son is worth more than that bad excuse of a father. I just wish he understood.
January 18th, 2003
Craig was here today. He hugged me tight, and told me he was leaving. I hadn't seen him in so, so long. He told me Ashton's dad had sent him. And that he couldn't ever see me again. I asked him why he bothered to come, and things got a bit heated. We argued. A lot. I sent Ashton next door. When I came back, Craig continued to yell at me. About how I was a lost cause. A woman he'd wanted for too long, and a waste of time. I got angry. I lost my temper. He brought me a lilac vase for my 20th birthday. I told him I didn't want his tacky gifts, and threw it. He started to pull everything out of the kitchen. But then he crossed the line. He told me Ashton deserved better than a slag of a mother. I lost my temper. I grabbed the knife. And drove it into him. I don't know what to do. Ashton will be back soon, and I need to
February 13th, 2013
I took Ash to the zoo today. He loved all the animals. He's growing up so quickly. I've needed a distraction recently. I haven't even wrote in my diary for almost a month. I feel so lost, so empty. Like I need to protect Ashton, but I can't even myself. Maia and her mother came round yesterday. It was horrible. The pain in both of their faces, made me feel so much guilt. They lost a husband, and a father. And I lost my innocence. I hope one day Ashton will understand, why I can't lose him. Why he can't know the truth about anything. Ever. But it's because I love him. But I can't help but think about little Maia. I'm sorry, Craig. I love you. Always.