I wonder if, I could just have a normal conversation with Aidan. Without getting butterflies or trying not to smile when I hear his voice.
"Hi" I said shyly as he sat down. "How was your weekend?" I asked.
"It was good, actually. I went to see my family down in Brighton. You?" He replied, setting his things out on his desk.
"Oh great! That must of been nice. And the usual really. Wake up, TV. Eat. Sleep. You know me ha ha!" I giggled. He smiled back.
"So it turns out Cara does have the ability to talk. I've heard nothing but her an Aidan talk since he arrived. I may have to move him," I looked up shocked and embarrassed at her comment. And I gave the look please-don't-do-this-to-me-I'm-happy kind of look. "I see a lot of flirting going on too!" She laughed and everyone joined in. Both Aidan and I bowed our heads. Not saying a word. Nor making eye contact to make anything even more awkward than it already was. "Right class, back to work." She gave one last glance and she was back to teaching her 'Picasso' quiz.
When I got home. I had my dinner, had a painful conversation with my mum and went upstairs to write in my diary.
I don't know what to say really. It's been a while since I sat down and just talked and wrote about everything. But anyway, college is pretty good actually. I complain a lot about it, but I can tell you that it's a hell of a lot better than high school. You can do so much more at your free will. You can say what you want, just amazing really. Well, except my teacher; Emma. She is always putting me and Aidan on the spot and it's so irritating and embarrassing. Because I think she has already guessed that I like him a lot.
I do like him though, I think I like him a lot. He makes me feel like I'm something. Something worth time, effort. Just, something special. He moved into my course a couple of days after me. And I'm so glad he did because honestly, I wouldn't be the person I am right now. He's brought me to be the person I am. And I thank him for that.
I don't want to keep going on about that though, because I still have the past to deal with I know people say that 'the past is in the past, focus on the future.' How can I focus on the future when the past is basically reliving itself again? When I was 15 years old. My mum got the news that she would only have 6-12 months left to live - if she didn't stop drinking. I'll admit, she was an alcoholic. And I hated that, I hated her. Because she as a person changed, I changed. I changed to someone that no one liked. I did things I should never have done I did things that I will regret for the rest of my life. I used to drink all the time when I found out, I took it out on my mum and used to say to her, "parents are role models." I drank vodka. That did no good to my liver or my body. I got so bad I have to have many days off of school just to recover. But she got over it anyway, she took tablets and was alcohol free for 9 months. It's only recently that she has started drinking everyday, and now I am worried. The past is reliving itself. And it's only a matter of time before the doctors say the same thing. Or that it could be too late. And when or if that day comes. I will never be ready for it.
That got very deep. Very quickly.
I then fell into a deep dreaming-less sleep.