Watching others eat while I sit feeling bad for myself, made me sick to my stomach. I lean over the toilet and stuck my finger down my throat. I start to cough up puke. Along with the puke that went in the toilet, so did my tears. I slam my back against the stall door and slowly drag myself down until I was sitting on the floor with my hands cupped, holding my face. I heard a knock, followed by the sound of Mali's voice. "Alana! Are you in here?"
"Yeah..." I replied.
"You've been in there for 5 minutes; is there something wrong?"
"Nah. I'm fine. Just having some uh... lady issues."
"Oh! Ok then. Um... good luck?" And just like that I heard her leave the bathroom. That was too close.
Mali came out of the bathroom. "So? Is Alana okay?" I ask.
"Yeah she's fine."
"What was she doing in there?"
"Um? Lady stuff."
"Lady stuff?" I question. Michael got a devious smile on his face. "Michael...? What ya smiling about?" I ask.
"Just the fact that she's on her period." He jokes.
"Hush! She could be doing something serious. I'm worried about her." I say looking down at my knees.
We leave to go to Michael's house. (Yes Alana is with us again.) I look over to Alana and she seems to have no emotion on her face. She's making no eye contact with anyone. I shuffle closer to her and whisper "Is something wrong?" She looks my way, but doesn't change her facial expression. "No. Everything is fine." She says looking away again. Hearing those words come out of her mouth should be reassuring me, but I am anything but reassured. I can tell she's lying. Something is wrong and intend to find out.
We sit in Michael's living room in a circle. We're all playing never have I ever. "Ok... ummm... Never have I ever... shop lifted." Mali says grinning. We all say, "I have never." all, except Luke who was holding in a laugh. "I have." He says cracking up.
"What did you shop lift?" Mali asks laughing.
"I stole a CD and that's it." He answered. It was now Calum's turn to ask a 'Never have I ever'. "Never have I ever cut myself!" Alana had a huge flinch. She stared at Calum in shock. "What kind of question is that?" Alana almost yelled. "Whoa! Alana calm down, it's just a joke." Calum protested.
"No, sorry Calum, that wasn't funny." Alana looked as if she were about to cry. Her eyes darted at me and I pointed to the door that led to the hallway. She nods and we both get up and and leave the circle. "Alana, why are you acting so depressed?" I ask as soon as I close the door behind her. Her eyes looked up. "Alana? You're not cutting, right?"
"Ashton, in all honesty, I do still have scars, but I'm over that now." She confesses.
"You mean, you used to cut?"
"Yes." She nods.
"So why were you spending the whole time in the bathroom when we were at subway?" I ask. Alana bites her lip and looks me right in the eye. "I don't have an excuse." She says. I think I figured it out. I poke at her ribs and then run my hand down her arm. "Alana? When was the last time you ate?" I ask. She completely bursts into tears. I quickly wrap my arms around her and pull her in. "It's alright, it's alright." I say. She pushes away after a minute and wipes her tears. "Wanna talk about it?" I ask. She nods. "I- I remember when I was a little girl, you know like before I was a teen. I miss that. I used t-to be so free, and be able to just eat... without feeling d-disgusted in myself." She stuttered. We sit down and lean against the wall.
"You know you're not fat, right?" I add.
"That's the thing. I've been told over and over that I'm a twig, but when I look in the mirror, it doesn't add up." She sighed. I tugged on the bottom of her shirt and asked, "Can I see?" She nods and I flip up her shirt to see her ribs. "I... I don't understand. I've seen you naked before. How come I see your ribs now?"
"It's not like I never eat, I just don't really like it. And I do fine without food anyway."
"You know, I've never seen you eat."
"Yeah. It's getting worse. Haven't eaten since last week."
"WHAT?!" I yell. Luke comes into the room. "Hey, are you ok? I heard Asht-" Luke stops speaking and directs his attention to Alana who was still crying. "Woah- uh... You want me to go?" He says pointing to the door.
"No, that's ok." Alana says patting the space next to her. Luke sits beside Alana and gives her a hug. "So what's going on?" He asks.
"We were just talking about something." Alana answers. Luke gives her a confused look. "You can tell me, you know." Luke says.
"I know." Alana replies.
"So then what is it?"
"Alana doesn't eat!" I quickly say. Luke doesn't seem surprised... at all. "I thought so." Luke says.
"You THOUGHT so?" I slightly yell.
"Yeah... well, I've seen her body and she's pretty boney." He says.
"Is it that noticeable?" She asks before putting her face in her hands. "Sometimes, yeah." He says.
"Alana, maybe you should start eating before you lose your curves." I say. Alana shakes her head. "I won't lose my curves." She insists.
"How would you know?" I ask.
"I just know." She says getting up and drying her tears.
"Where are we going?" I asked as I looked out the window of the car. "Somewhere..." Ashton replied. After a couple of minutes the car stopped beside a big open field with a lake. There was a small group of people that were standing in one spot. More people where sitting somewhere on the field. They seemed to be waiting for something. We hop out the car. As we walk onto the field, Ashton swings his arm around me and pulls me in close to him. "C'mon, we're gonna sit away from the others." He says as he pulls me in another direction. We sit down near the lake that glistened in the moon light. "Ashton? Why are we here?" I ask.
"Just wait." He says smiling. The group of people took a few steps back, un crowding an object I could not name because it was too dark to see. A few seconds passed, and off shot a green firework into the sky. My eyes followed it as it got higher, and then popped leaving trails that stopped half way down. It was so pretty. I looked at Ashton to see he was looking right back at me. "I told you tonight was going to be fun, and that was a promise." He said before kissing my forehead while another firework was going off. His lips moved down to touch mine. I closed my eyes as he placed his hand on my back and slowly moved it down. There were no sparks, just fireworks. Literally. Fireworks. My stomach rumbled causing me to push away from Ashton. We both looked at stomach. I sighed. "Alana, could you at least try eating?" He asked. I shrugged. "Ok, how about after the fireworks we go back to my place and you try to eat something. Yeah?" He suggested.
"Ehh I don't know Ashton."
"Aw c'mon it'll be fine. You can back out if you want to when we get there."
"Ok." I agreed.
"Bye!" Our friends called out as Ashton and I stepped out of the car. We waved and quickly ran into Ashton's room. He pulled out a box of pizza. "Pizza? I don't know if I can do this." I said.
"Just try!" He insisted. I slowly opened the box. I pulled out a piece and just stared at it before dropping it again. I began to cry. "Alana, why are you crying? You don't have to if you don't want to!"
"I know... I just wish I could." I sniffled. Ashton held me tight and embraced me with a hug. I let my tears soak into his shirt, but he didn't seem to care. He let go of me, but held onto my shoulders. "You're already perfect, you know." He pointed out. I never believe anyone when they say that, but something in my mind told me that Ashton wasn't lying. I started to smile and my tears dried up. He smiled back at me and planted his lips on mine. Before I knew it, it was serious. We ended up on his bed with him on top of me, and his tongue completely in my mouth. I decided to make a move since it was my turn. I slipped my small hands under his shirt and forced it off, throwing it somewhere behind me. He, instead of making one move, made two. After lifting my top off, he was able to unclip my bra. I used my feet to slide his pants and boxers off. He stopped kissing me and ran his hand down to my skirt. He pulled it down causing me to giggle. He jumped back on top of me after he took off my underwear as well. He didn't kiss me, he just looked at me and smiled. "Actually-" He said getting off the bed and reaching into his draw. I sat up and curiously watched him. He pulled out a condom and slipped it on. He came back onto the bed and pushed me down. He hovered over me and went in causing me to clutch the bed sheets in pain. "You alright?" He asked stopping,
"Yeah, just keep on going. I'll be fine." He carried on getting faster and faster. It started to hurt less. We both got really sweaty. Ashton looks so hot when he's sweaty. He finally collapsed onto me and we started making out again, except there was a lot of touching involved. "Alana." He moaned.
"Ashton." I moaned back in between breaths. He started to bite my neck, leaving hickies. "Ashtooon." I moaned. He stopped. We were both panting heavily. We crawled under the sheets and started to cuddle.
I woke up the next morning in Ashton's arms. He wasn't sweaty anymore and neither was I. "Hey, you're awake." Ashton said smiling. We were still naked, so I could feel his length in between my legs. My eyes widen. "What's wrong?" He asks.
"Nothing. It's just... whoa." Ashton laughs.
"I agree." He responded. I didn't want to move. I could stay like this forever. "Alana... I have something to ask you." Ashton says shyly.
"What is it?"
"Will you... be my girlfriend?" Suddenly I feel our bodies warming up. "Yes!" I say pressing my head against his chest.
"Yes!" Alana cheers as she presses her head against my chest.
"I love you, Alana." I say resting my head on her's.
"I love you too." She whispers.