Julie kept questioning me about the wedding, which I didn’t see why but, you know, Ju has to protect me from doing something stupid. I know that she may question Russia’s and my relationship, but ever since I set eyes on him, I’ve always regretted that I was dating someone, but you know, most of the time when I went through a breakup, I didn’t break up with them, well, what I think of that is better them than me right? Anyway, back to my long explanation of how I met Ivan.
One night, I went out to eat with Francis, the first night we were dating (we broke it off on the third), and I saw him walk in and he sat down in this chair that looked highly damaged, it was next to where Britain, America, Canada, so on and so forth, were all sitting, suddenly Britain jumps out of his seat and starts yelling at Russia saying “YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED--” In that moment, the chair broke into millions of pieces. I wondered how he did that, but my eyes went back into focus on Francis.
“I hope they aren’t too much of a distraction, my sweet.”
“No, I have attention deficit disorder, that’s all.”
Francis looked at me puzzled but continued eating. I sighed just thinking about why that chair broke and finally I looked up at Francis again, “Hun, why did Mr. Arthur start shouting at Mr. Braginsky?”
“He sat in Busby’s chair…Britain was plotting against America.”
“A psychopath sat in it years ago and it’s said to send people to hell if they sit down in it, well, apparently it doesn’t work on Ivan.”
Suddenly, Ivan came and sat down by us.
“хау пищу France ?”
“I don’t understand Russian, Ivan… you know that.”
“I do.” Ivan and Francis stared for a while.
“Do you know every language?”
“No, but I can, I have a language translator.”
“What did he say?”
“How’s the food, Francis. It’s a rough translation but you know.”
“Wow, she really does understand Russian.”
“It’s excellent Ivan.”
The rest of the night at the restaurant we laughed and talked and drank. It was quite fun getting my mind off everything. Finally, I asked Ivan “Why did Busby’s chair break when you sat down.”
“I don’t actually know, but my guess is that it’s super old and it’s power is starting to fade, along with the maximum capacity.” he smiles which in turn makes me smile. Ivan finally says to me, “I have a feeling that we are going to be really good friends.”
Francis being my boyfriend wanted to try to protect that area of really good friends and keep that for himself, but I stopped him before he could say anything. “Me too.”
“I forgot to ask of you, what is your name?”
“Hang on, I’ll be right back.” I had to go to the bathroom, so I couldn’t exactly tell him, but Francis did. “That’s my girlfriend, Zara.” I heard as I walked away. That’s the last I saw of Russia until the next day, because I was kind of wasted.
I, of course had to call Ivan and see who the best wedding planner would be, but I have yet to ask Julie to be my maid of honor. I think it’s best I wait, since right now SHE DOESN’T SEEM TO APPROVE. I think Russia is asking China to be best man and Belarus and Ukraine are our flower girls, along with I think I’ll ask Spain to be my person to walk me down the aisle, and Italy to be the ring bearer, and maybe Japan can be our Usher (The person who helps people find places to sit), Then, America could be our DJ, since he knows a lot about that, but definitely not our food coordinator, no… Maybe Canada could walk Russia down the aisle and then Czechoslovakia can be a bridesmaid, this is going to be great! Anyway, I’m trying to think of who I should take with me to try on wedding gowns, I’m not completely sure of who, but I know for a fact I probably should NOT take Belarus, because I’m not sure if she’s heard the news, but if she has, I’m pretty sure she’s still probably mad at me, So I guess I should probably ask Julie.
“How would one, you like to be my maid of honor and two go to help me pick the dress?” I smile that psychotic smile I always do and give her the pleading eyes that I know works on almost everyone.
“I would love to be your maid of honor! As for the dress shopping, can’t you ask someone who actually knows what they’re looking at? And I hope you haven’t told Belarus, and if you did I hope to God you did not invite her to the wedding, because if you did, you better have this perfectly coordinated so nothing can go wrong, because she will try to find a way to screw up the whole thing. And I better be a part in planning it.”
“Yeah… about that… Russia wants Belarus to be our flower girl, and I tried to tell him it would be a mistake… he is very stubborn when it comes to family coming to his wedding, and we are going to need liquor, tons and tons of liquor!”
“Russia wants Belarus to be our flower girl, because we are combining cultures, you can still plan our wedding, but I’m going to need bodyguards, lots and lots of them so she doesn’t strangle me or else I need your help to plot an incident-” I made a quoting motion with my fingers “-to happen to Belarus so she can’t strangle me, either one works. Maybe… there’s a large closet in Russia’s house, where we most likely be having the wedding, and if we don’t we have to have it here, again, Russian culture, that almost looks like a bedroom without a bed where we could lock her in. Here, we have that extra bedroom, where we have junk stored and could lock her in there. I mean, at first, I was thinking about locking Ukraine in there because her boobs might be a little distraction to guys like Francis and Italy, and you know in our culture, the focus is supposed to be on the bride-” I point to myself and smile “-and the groom.”
We hear the doorbell ring and I answer it. It’s Belarus.
“Don’t ‘Hi Belarus’ me! You ruined my life! You took MY future husband”
“Ruined your life? Ruined YOUR life. Hm… That’s interesting, because I love him and he loves me! I pretty much sav--”
Julie cuts me off, “What she means is you should be happy for Ivan.”
“He was… MINE!” she attempts to tackle me but I move aside and she runs into a cabinet on the front wall. She collapses on the ground, Julie looks back at her, and closes the door.
“Now Belarus,” Julie says, “How about we sit and talk about this in a civilized manner, as girls, not like wwe superstars in a rivalry signing a contract to fight at a pay-per-view.”
Belarus was now starting to pant as she stood up and you could see the bruise starting to form on her hip where she ran into the cabinet.
“Fine.” she said while she was glaring at me.
“Don’t even think about hurting me because if you do, karma is a bitch and it will bite you in the ass.” I said pushing my bangs away from my face.
“I will do what I please.” she hissed. I heard another knock at the door.
“I’ll get it!” I said
“No,” Julie said, “I think you need to start trying to coexist with Belarus.”
Julie answered the door and I could tell by the tone in her voice that it was Russia. Meanwhile, Belarus was sitting there smiling her “deeply in love” smile as if she heard his voice, and then she would move back to glaring at me finally I saw Russia step into the doorway. I got up and ran toward him and hugged him. Although I knew Belarus was there, I didn’t care, I was extremely glad to see MY fiancé. Russia looked at me smiling and I smiled back. He finally whispered in my ear, “You know, Belarus is here, I tried to chase her before she got here, apparently that did not work. Did you ask Julie yet?”
“Yes, she asked to be our wedding planner. I’m starting to think inviting Belarus is a bad idea.”
“She’s going to try and kill me or hurt me.”
“I’ll talk to her for you. Maybe I can calm her down.”
“Yes, please do. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Hey, Russia, I hope its okay that I am planning your dang wedding. There are some things we need to have at this wedding.”
“Yes. As long as there is vodka…”
“Now, Belarus,” I said, “I am going to leave Ivan to talk with you for a few minutes, I have to go to the store to get some bow tie noodles for dinner tonight, why don’t you come with Julie?”
“Okay.” She said and we walked outside the door, shut it and listened to the conversation.
“Belarus, you are my sister, if we were to get married…” he paused and I just about gagged thinking about it, “Our children, if we had any, would be deformed, I would not be happy, and the world would shame us. Is that what you want, sister?”
“Who cares! I want you!”
“What about the children? What about MY happiness?”
“We wouldn’t have children, we can bypass that.”
“You still have not answered the question of my happiness.” I could tell Ivan was getting frustrated.
“You would be, you’d get all the gifts you wanted, brother.”
“Material possession doesn’t matter to me and it doesn’t matter to my fiancé either.”
“Ivan, just face it, you and her aren’t supposed to be together.”
“Belarus!” He definitely looked angry, “I LOVE HER! I’d do anything for her! Maybe she was right in saying having you as a flower girl was a bad idea, you would try to kill her!”
I thought not if I kill her first, making MY FIANCÉ angry? Who does she think she is?
“No, Ivan, she is a nice girl, but she’s so not your type!” I looked over at Julie “Do you actually want to go get some bow tie noodles?” she smiled at me because she knew if I heard anymore I would hunt Belarus down and personally kick her ass into next week.
“Yes.” She said and we left for the store.
As soon as we came back, Belarus and Russia had just finished bickering and we walked in the door. For the first time in well… the first time Belarus smiled at me. Ivan came to me right away smiled and hugged me.
“Did you settle everything down with Belarus?” I whispered
“It took me a while, but I took care of it.”
“How’d you do it?”
“I’m very persuasive.” We both start chuckling, “Well… let’s just say me happiness made her think and she decided to forget about me plus her because it’s not going to happen.”
“What did she say to being flower girl?”
“She said she would never want to hurt you now that she sees we are right, she loves you.”
“We should probably start planning our wedding then.”
“Didn’t Julie say she was planning it?”
“Yeah, but we need to help her.”
“You are so beautiful.” I blushed
“Thank you, my dear fiancé.”
“Your welcome, my love.”
“I-I-” Belarus stuttered, “I’m s-s- so s-sorry… I didn’t realize how meant to be you guys really were. I um… just wanted him for myself and didn’t realize how selfish I was being. D-do you f-forgive me?” the sight of Belarus stuttering was scary but I didn’t think twice.
“That’s ok, Belarus,” I went over to her and hugged her, “You weren’t being selfish, you just had an addiction to MY FIANCE. I forgive you.”
BACKGROUND INFORMATION ON RUSSIAN WEDDINGS
In Russian culture marrying someone more than ten years older than you is acceptable, and in russian culture girls usually marry at 15-20 years old, And Russian weddings usually last anywhere from about two days to about a week. And we are combining our cultures. In russian culture has no flower girls, best man, or bridesmaids. In Russian culture no rings are given unless the man is gallant and no one is informed other than closest friends and family. Russian culture also states that the wedding is usually planned in 1-3 months. Wedding rings are not exchanged until the ceremony and are usually only gold bands not blingy, and they wear rings on the right hand unless divorced, widowed, etc. Russian wedding dresses are sewn for the occasion, all russian women apparently sew. There’s a part of the ceremony where there is a train of black cars. At a Russian Wedding EVERYONE MUST BE DRUNK! Usually the friend of the couple is called to be a “witness” or a person to keep the guests entertained. The russians live in apartments, the higher up in the apartment complex the more guys the husband has to fight for his bride. And on the stairwells he has to answer questions like he might be shown 3 baby girls pictures and have to guess which is his bride. If he is right he moves on, if he is wrong he has to pay to move on. There are no benches, you all stand through the whole thing. After a while, the couples go visit the people that died in the Russian Civil War and lay flowers on the graves. Then there is the toast the couple must then stand up kiss for as long as possible and if the kiss isn’t long enough the audience can demand they kiss again after the next toast, then there is meal time which usually lasts 1-2 hours, finally come the first dance which is given to the bride and groom, after that the dancing is free to everyone. In this process the bride can sometimes get “stolen” and when the husband goes looking for her the friends of the groom usually ask him for ransom. It’s like a paying game of hide and go seek. The brides friends sometimes engage in stealing the bride’s shoe and the husband has to pay ransom for the brides shoe. The cake is after all that is done. on day 2 it’s usually held at the newlyweds new home. They aren’t given utensils on the second day and they have to “buy” them, unless they bring them from home. The second day they must wear a new outfit. After the meal the bride must "clean" the floor in the room. The fun part is that guests are allowed to mess as much as they want while she is cleaning - this is what they are actively doing, but they only can mess with money - coins or banknotes. Usually people make a special effort to get lots of change, so the bride has to work hard. The collected money belongs to the couple, and some generous guests can significantly contribute to the new family's budget. Wedding days are usually on Fridays, Saturdays, and the last of the hangover is on Sunday.