The knock on my front door made me jolt while I was day dreaming. I set down the bowl of cereal on the counter in front of me as I left the kitchen to the front door. I grabbed the door handle with my injured hand and I pulled back in pain as I tightened the 'wrap' around my knuckles.
I opened the door to find Lindsay standing there, with her school bag gripped to her side. She looked up at me with solemn eyes as they pleaded for my attention. I could tell she wanted to talk. I stepped aside giving her room to enter my house, while I stuck out my arm, inviting her in.
She stood in front of me after I closed the door. She wouldn't look at me, instead she looked down at her shoes. "Are you okay?" She asked, still not looking at me. I cleared my throat. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks." She looked up at me and saw my hand. "How about your hand?" She said whiling pointing at it. I hid it behind my back as I stood up straight. "I'm fine. I promise." That was a lie.
I needed Joey. I wanted my brother, Daniel, to be home. He's so busy with school and work that he's never home. As much as I loved having Lindsay care for me, it just felt uneasy and awkward to talk about some of the things that were going on. We both stood there awkwardly, without saying a word.
"Are you going to tell the police yet?" She suddenly blurted out. I didn't really want to talk about it anymore. I wanted the whole situation to disappear into thin air. I wanted it to just drain from my entire life. "Look Lindsay, I appreciate that you care about what happened and I know you just want to help, but I just want to do this on my own. (Another lie...I just didn't want her involved) I just want to figure out what I'm going to do by myself and in my own matter of time."
She looked at me and I saw a frown appear across her face. She nodded her head, turned, opened the door, and left me behind.
I stripped my body of my clothes as I got my stuff needed for my shower. As I was pulling my underwear down, I noticed bruising on the insides of my thighs. I stopped and examined them. They were blotchy with blue, purple, and yellow markings. Tears began to form in my eyes as I realized they were caused by Kevin.
Were there any other places bruised? My vagina was already ruined enough and my god it hurts. It would at least take a couple of months for it to be back at its' normal 'state'. But how was I supposed to explain to Joey why we couldn't make love or why I walk with a limp because in-between legs was killing with excruciating pain.
You're going to have to tell him sooner or later, Chloe. He's going to find out from you or somebody else that knows. But what if he doesn't hear the truth? What if someone makes up lies in order for me to look like the bad person? Like it was MY fault I was raped!
But what if it was your fault? If you didn't drink so much that night, then all of this probably wouldn't have happened. It was like you were asking for it. You were asking for it. You were asking for it. You were ASKING for it.
The voices kept repeating over and over and over in my head. "You were asking for it. You were asking for it. You were asking for it..."
"SHUT UP!" I screamed to myself as I covered my ears with my hands. "Shut up! I didn't ask for it! This isn't my fault! I DIDN'T ASK FOR IT TO HAPPEN!" I began to burst into tears as I fell to the floor. I curled up into a ball and began rocking to myself while whispering, "I didn't ask for it. I didn't ask for it. I didn't ask for it." Over and over and over again. Any person watching me right now would have probably thought I had a mental disorder or I was mentally unstable.
My God, what is happening to me?