After I told Joey what happened, his face turned from white, purple, to a fuming red color full of anger. "I'm going to kill him. I am going to fucking kill him." He stood up and began to pace in circles in front of me before slamming his fist against the wall. "Joey... stop. We can figure out something-.." I was interrupted by him yelling at me. "CHLOE. He raped you! Do I have to spell it out for you. R-A-P-E. He laid his hand on you without your permission. He took something from you. Do you not see that? Are you stupid? Are you trying to pretend this didn't happen, because right now it seems like it's not affecting you as much as it is affecting me.
I sat there looking at him. I was shocked those words even came out of his mouth. I stood up and I watched his eyes follow my every move. "I have been dealing with this since you were gone. I have spent the week and a half dealing with this entire thing and how dare you lecture me on how I should be feeling. I get that you're upset and I get the fact that you want to do something about this but to be honest, that night we were all so intoxicated and nobody knew what anybody else was doing. If this were to go to court and if he were to get prosecuted...there would be a 50/50% chance that he won't get convicted because of some lame ass excuse that we were both drunk and we had no idea what was going on."
Joey's face had no expression. His eyes seemed to look right into my soul with every word that was coming out of my mouth. They were cold and dark. The bright beautiful green emerald color was gone. It was replaced with black and the darkness behind it made me scared. I have never seen this side of him and I honestly didn't want to see how bad it really could get.
"When you finally calm down and when you can finally take a step back and not act like a 5 year old little boy, then come talk to me about this situation. But for right now, I don't need the stress of you yelling at me this entire time." I unlocked the door and left his room and out the front door, leaving him alone and behind.
I hadn't talked to him since our fight. I avoided his presence at school. I didn't want to look at him and into his eyes which were full of pain and rage. But, his actions didn't do so good at keeping it a secret.
After school Monday, word traveled fast that Joey and Kevin had gotten into a fist fight the same morning. Apparently, Joey confronted Kevin about it and Kevin replied with some smart-ass remark and I guess things escalated from there. All I know is that Joey sure as hell won that fight. I don't doubt this because he was bigger than Kevin and a lot stronger.
But, my emotions were no longer with me. I didn't feel happiness... I didn't feel pain... I didn't feel sadness... I didn't feel anything. It was like my entire emotional human self was numb and no longer responsive to anything. The voices in my head became louder and they would talk to me everyday. Telling me how worthless I was and how much I deserved what Kevin did to me.
Want to know what the worst part about it was? I started believing everything it was saying. It felt like there was this hole in my chest that wouldn't disappear and it became bigger and darker whenever the memories came back to haunt me. I wanted to disappear away from everyone. They would never understand my pain...they would never understand me or my story. They would just judge me. That's how fucked up society is. I was more focused on what people would think about me than my own self in general.
I was no longer in control.