The secrets that haunt my soul

This is the story of a girl. A girl who seemed so happy and full of life. A girl whose secrets are as dark as the unavoidable blackness that is the pit of death. Contains dark themes, suicide and depression. Poetic verses.

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1. May death bring me peace

I am alone.

The moon shines bright in the sky with its fellow stars dancing in joyous leaps and twists.

And I am alone.

The lone wolf in the crowd.

The Omega.

The girl who people see but do not see.

The girl whose thoughts and feelings are concealed from this world.

You think you know me.

But you do not.

I am alone.

And alone I shall stay.

Weeping silently into the night as my soul blackens.

My humanity is almost dead.

With every silent shriek of pain, I die more inside.

Loneliness is not friendless.

For I have friends.

Yet I am alone.

So alone.

 

***

 

You look at me with your prying eyes.

Analysing and judging my every move.

My lack of beauty disturbs you.

I do not care.

Do I?

No.

I can't.

I wont!

Every step I take is looked upon.

Not with envy.

Pity.

Why, I do not know.

Perhaps, my exterior that hides the pain you inflict has cracked.

No, that can't be it.

Not once wince the moment I came here has it cracked.

Maybe it's the way they talk at me.

Useless.

Silent.

Pathetic.

Pity me you may.

But I do not need it.

For you do not intimidate me.

 

***

 

Shame

The feeling that burns deep within me

Every drop of humiliation sparks the dreadful sensation

Every punch

Every kick

Every time you taint my body

And every time you corrupt my soul

Shame is all that I feel

Every time you lay your hands on me

Forcing yourself upon me

Screaming in glory as I scream in horror

I feel myself slowly giving in to your presence

You are my master

I am your puppet

Lying lifeless as you take away my one true gift

My innocence

 

***

 

How could you?

You hurt, steal and shatter all the time

All the light that was once there is now replaced by darkness

So cold

So piercingly evil

Every time I see your face I see no longer the boy you once were

Instead I see a cruel, cold-hearted monster

A monster who stole my innocence

Who beat me until I was close enough to death I could taste it

The one who I had trusted in most

The one who I had confided all my best and worst secrets

You walk towards me

Yellowing teeth bared like sharp fangs

Your eyes wild and demented

The warmth in your eyes and the youth in your looks gone

The very face of insanity

I plead for your mercy today

You raise your arm and I feel the almost unbearable sting of your slap

You clutch my face and whisper  teasingly in my ear

Not today sweet pea

Your breath reeks of cigarettes and alcohol

And I stifle a stray sob as you begin to unbuckle your pants

How could you?

Rape and abuse your own family!

I once saw you as my hero

My prince charming!
My knight in shining armour!

You may be my brother by blood

But you are not my brother in my heart

You are my prison, Tomas

And you have me trapped!

 

***

 

I walk alone down the empty streets

Drowning in my despair and helplessness

Betrayed by own flesh and blood

Mummy, why do you watch on?

Why do you laugh is Tomas hits me and rapes me?

Daddy, why did you leave me here?

Why did you turn your back on me when I needed you most?

Tomas, why do you do the things you do to me?

Is it because you long for the one thing you haven't got?

My brothers, why are you so hateful and cruel?

What possessed you to turn your backs on family?

I know that I am vulnerable

I know that I am weak

Pathetic and useless

This family is built up on foundation of lies

Beautiful on the outside

But ugly and twisted on the inside

You ask me constantly why I am the way I am

I never answer because you already know

You know that you are all the reason why I am so fucked up on the inside!

Why I wake screaming and crying from the night terrors!

Why I crave love yet flinch away from the mere thought!

Why I have become an empty shell that is only a fragment of what it used to be!

I want to rip your limbs of you one by one

I want to make you watch as I skin you alive

I want to hate you for what you have done to me

But I can't

My own heart forces me to love you all unconditionally

Despite all you have done

My heart still clings on to the past

All of those good times

They are my comfort

My anchor to my sanity

They will be my undoing

 

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