Bella's pov (right after the fight)
I finally got to my room, it seemed like forever to get there. Lying on my bed I started to think about the previous events.
"God Luke. Why do you have to be like this?!" I semi screamed at the wall. I looked over to my bathroom which had the tub. The tub held my darkest secret that I possibly just let out if those boys are smart. The tub held my blades.
Those awful, disgusting blades. Like I said, it got worse. And just when I though it couldn't get any worse. It did.
"Bella? Honey, are you okay." I heard my dad's voice through the door. a tear rolled down my cheek as I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"Y-yeah dad. I'm fine." I tried to keep my now shaky voice from quavering. "Honey, are you sure?" He asked again.
"Yes Dad. I'm fine." I said. My voice was more firm this time but didn't come off as mean or snappy towards him.
"Okay." He sighed and I heard his footsteps fade away, down the steps.
Looking at the bathroom longingly, I sat up a bit.
'No one would know,' I thought. 'I could just scrape the blades across my scarred skin just a few more times. It would be okay.'
I shook my head. I'm almost a year clean, I can't go back to that. I just can't do that. I've been through enough torture and the majority was from self harm and putting myself down. The rest was Luke and his friends, who bullied me and still do, which led me to self harm. Which I was about to do.
Getting up, I walked to the bathroom and shut and locked the door once I was in there. I sat on the edge of the tub when my hands started to shake, in anxiety. Oh god, no. Not now. Not another anxiety attack, I've not had one for about 3 months and now-oh god.
"Just breathe, Bella. Breathe. You can do this. You're Isabella Marie Hemmings, you can do this." I told myself. I rocked back and forth a bit to ease my nerves and it seemed to be working.
Finally, I was calm again and I started feeling the itching I usually get. Well it happens to everyone mostly that does this but-ya know what I'll get on with it and stop mentally conversations with myself. That's creepy...
I took out the blades that were hiding in an old, empty shampoo bottle. Finding the sharpest one, I slid it across my wrist and winced. It felt good. I haven't done this in so long, I needed relief. Sighing I did it again, this repeated a few times.
Standing up, I looked in the mirror. When I did self harm, which wasn't very often anymore, I don't even cry. I just sit here and feel...I don't know, numb? Yeah, numb. I'm emotionless now, I've actually gotten to this point where I have no feelings what so ever.
I slid the sharp object over my skin once more, wanting--needing--to feel the exciting burn it brought to my skin. Again and again and again and again...until I heard a knock.
"Oh shi--izzle." I said remembering it could be Dad at the door. I'm not allowed to cuss in front of him, it makes him uncomfortable, I get it though.
"Who is it?" I called, cleaning up the blood as quick as I could. I didn't even notice there was this much there! I looked down at my arms, there had to be at least 20 cuts on my right arm and more than that on my left. I'm gonna have to wear long sleeves.
Oh god, some of them haven't stopped bleeding! What am I gonna do? My breathing started to quicken. Calm down, calm down it's gonna be alright if I just stay calm.
I turned the sink on, quietly so I could still play it off like I was using the bathroom. It works every time. "Uh. It's Ashton. Are you okay? I just wanted to check on you." He said sweetly. Awwh, my brothers friends are nicer than he is to me.
"Y-yeah I'm g-good." I said shivering a bit. The water is always so damn cold in this house.
"Okay, by the way, you provably don't care but Luke feels really bad. I think you should talk to him. He honestly didn't know you got that upset." Ashton said. I sighed and leaned my head back.
"Okay, I might give him a chance to explain himself about why he was so devilish and turned the 5sos fam against me." He said, 'great' before leaving me to myself again.
"Thank the freaking heavens above." I whispered to myself.
I turned the sink off and grabbed my blade again. It wouldn't hurt to go a little more right? I mean it's not like anyone would know.
Soon, I found myself pulling my sweat pants down to my knees. I looked at my thighs.
'There's plenty room on those,' I thought.'Go ahead, do it.'
Dragging the blade across my skin felt so good. I felt numb but alive at the same time. I felt distant but at home and at peace with myself. It was weird how some people get addicted to stuff that could hurt them, and don't realize it, but the people who want to hurt themselves find any way possible to get what they want. If that makes any sense.
"I need to stop. I really do."
Luke's pov (surprise!)
"Guys what if she wants nothing to do with me? What if-what if I-oh god. Guys I'm so stupid why did I ever say that stuff to her?! Why? God I hate myself so much." I said with my head in my hands. The boys and I were sitting in the lounge room, Ashton had gone to check on Bella and see if she was okay, also to ask if she would talk to me for a bit.
"She said she'd talk to you and let you explain yourself." Ashton said walking into the room and sitting next to Calum, who was currently helping me to calm down. Along with Michael of course.
"See?! You're getting to talk with her. That's a step forward. Maybe if you explain why you said that stuff to her and why you were like that, maybe she'll give you a chance at being the best brother you can be." Calum said. I let out a small whimper.
I wanted to say, 'That's the thing, Cal. I don't have a reason. I was being a bully and I just have to accept that.' So I did.
"Well, was there something going on during those few years that just made you mad?" Ashton asked. I thought for a moment, and then it hit me.
"Yeah actually. There was, but now it's cleared up. It has been for a while now." Everything was silent when I said that. It sounds cliché but you could've heard a pin drop.
I looked at Mikey, I think he knew I was talking about the stuff that happened between him and me.
"Well maybe you thought it would be too awkward to be nice to her by then. Because you had been so mean to her and then you just suddenly decide to be nice, it'd be awkward for me too, trust me." Ashton said with his hand in my shoulder. I nodded.
"I don't know but I need to-" I was cut off by the door to the lounge opening and Bella was standing there in sweats and a band tee.
"Uhm, so are we gonna, ya know, talk?" She asked. She stuffed her hands in her pockets and looked at the ground.
"Yeah. Uh, sit down this might take a while. Boys will you please leave for a bit? You can hang out in my room." I said as politely as I could. They nodded and left. Now I was just her and me in this now semi dark room.
"So, first off, I just wanna say I'm really, really sorry. To know that you were crying yourself to sleep over me, it just makes me feel like I shouldn't even have this chance to talk to you. And-and I know that you probably absolutely hate me after earlier, but I need to get this out. In the past few years when we were fighting almost everyday or ignoring each other on the days we didn't fight, I felt like the worst person in the world. I had a reason before that, but not a-a good one. I was just having trouble with some people at school, but anyways. When I would say that stuff I didn't really mean it. I really d-didn't." My voice cracked a bit as a few tears rolled down my face. Hoping she wouldn't see, I just wiped them away quickly and continued. "I-i, honest to god, didn't mean it. I never wanted you to self harm, or cut deeper, or-or not eat to the point that you have an eating disorder. I just-I'm sorry. And I get it if you don't forgive me, it's your choice, but I hope you do. Because I can't go my whole life knowing I have a sibling and not speaking to them because of mistakes that I made." I finished my little speech in tears.
"Luke, I uh, I'm giving you a chance but if you screw this up, you're gonna get it." She said warningly. I nodded vigorously.
"Can I, uh, hug you?" I asked. She just laughed and wrapped her arms around my waist. I put my arms around her back and squeezed tightly.
So here we are now. Bella and I made up, the boys came back in the lounge room and we are currently watching Slender man. Michael has his face hidden in Bella's arm afraid to watch, Calum and Ashton are close together and we're all just kinda bunched up on the smallest couch in the room.
"Can we watch something else please?" Mikey asked in a small, scared voice. We all nodded though we knew he wasn't looking. Bella stopped the movie and chose The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie instead.
Michael still leaned his head on Bella's shoulder and we were all still bunched up but this time because it's cold. Mum or Dad must have turned the air conditioning on because it's colder than it was before.
I got up and walked out the room, ignoring the questions. I walked into the living room and got a huge blanket. We only used it when he had big groups over and in this case, five people, four being huge teenage boys, this was a big group.
I made my way back to the room and sat back down next to Bella. I passed part of the blanket down to the other boys and they took it, thanking me. We all started moving around and readjusting to where we could get used to the blanket. Now we were all leaning on Mikey since he was in the middle and he didn't seem to mind at all.
"I'm tired. don't move or I'll rip off your doo-la-la's and feed it to Mollie, understand?" Bella said sassily. We all mumbled okay's before relaxing again. I cuddled up more to Bella, wanting warmth. Like why is it so damn cold?
We all stayed like that, I was the last one awake. Not that that matters, but ya know. Right as I was about to fall asleep I heard Bella mutter, "I'm glad I forgave you, Lukey."
a/n: Hey y'all!! Double update bc I love you guys!!! To all of that read/ faved/ liked/ commented on this crappy little fanfic THANK YOOH!!! I love you so much!!! I'll be updating a lot in this week bc it's Thanksgiving break!! And I'm so happy!! And question does anyone who reads this live in the southern states in America? Bc I live in Alabama and I'm going to the iron bowl this weekend omg I'm really excited guys!!
I'm so sorry I'm rambling but I love you guys and goodnight lovelies!!!