Hey I don't feel good so this chapter is gonna be full of bad stuff that happens.
"Bella!" A voice shouted. I jumped up and started crying, sobbing. Ashton was awaken by my loud weeping. He had sat up and was facing me.
"Oh, it was-it was so bad." I sobbed violently into someone's chest. There wasn't many options, I mean it's either Calum or Michael. "Please help me." I yelled and closed my eyes. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
I held on to...whoever this is. I clung onto him as a soothing hand ran through my hair. He whispered sweet calming words in my ear. I soon recognized the boy as Calum.
"C-Calum..." I whimpered.
"Hey, it's okay. What was your dream about?" He asked and rubbed my back slowly. "Cal, I don't w-wanna talk about it." I shook the feeling of violation off and rested my head on Calum's shoulder, moving my arms to wrap tighter around his neck.
He cradled me tightly, gently rocking back and forth. "It's okay." He said and stroked my hair.
My sobs slowly died down and I just let Calum hold me. It felt nice to not be the strong one. Haha I'm not the strong one, Ashton is. I was still holding on to Cal when Michael walked in. I had been too busy crying to even notice he was gone.
"Baby," Michael said softly. "what's wrong?" He walked over and sat by Calum. He stroked my face gently and rubbed his thumb just under my eyes.
"She had a bad dream." Calum said for me. I made a mental note to thank him later. I let go of Calum and wiped my face. Crawling to Michael, I gave him a hug and rested my head in his neck.
"Where were you, Mikey?" I asked rubbing the top of his back gently. He laid his head on mine and sighed. "I was just at the hospital visiting Lukey again. I was hoping to make it in time to be here before you woke up so we could cuddle, but I wasn't." He said quietly.
"We can still cuddle but you have to change into sweatpants or a onesie. Ooh I'm gonna put on my Batman onesie." I said and hurried up the steps. I was glad that now my legs were fully healed from that one awful thing that I'd rather not speak of.
I changed and went back downstairs to find Michael, Ashton and Calum huddled up talking quietly about Luke. Before I stepped all the way in, I listened in on what they were saying.
"So how is he doing? Any better than when we went the last time?" Calum asked Mikey. I heard Michael sigh.
"Wait, wait. What are you guys talking about? I'm lost." Ashton said.
"Uhm, Michael and I went to the hospital the other day and uh," Calum wasn't one to stutter. This must be important. "uh, Luke has an eating disorder, they also said he has panic attacks sometimes. And, uh, yeah that's it." Calum explained. I dropped to the floor silently.
My little brother has panic attacks? And an eating disorder? How could I have not noticed this. Why didn't I notice? Is this my fault? I crawled up the steps as quietly as I could, and hey, I did pretty damn good if you ask me.
As soon as I got to my room, I paced. Five steps forward, five steps back.
Apparently I'd been pacing for a while because soon enough Ashton came up to check on me. "Bella let me in what's wrong? You're not supposed to have the door locked." Ashton said through the door in a concerned voice.
"Ashton go back downstairs. I'll be down in a few minutes ju-"
"No Bella. Open the door now or I swear it will break this damn thing right off the hinges." He snapped. Tears welled up in my eyes. He's been yelling at me a lot lately and I don't even know what I did. I just wish he would tell me so I can know and apologize for it.
What if it's something I can't apologize for though? What if it's because he thinks I told?
"Bella!" He yelled and pounded his fist on my door. "If I count to ten and this door is not open it will be on the ground." I flinched at his harsh words. I ran and got in the bathroom shutting the door quietly and locking it.
I thought for a minute as I could faintly hear Ashton reaching five.
'Think Bella think.'
The cabinets! The cabinets downstairs and these are the same size and if I fit in them when I was hiding from Calum then I surely can now. I slowly slipped in just when Ashton reached ten. I shut the door softly and kept my breathing steady.
It's probably sounding silly that I'm hiding from my best friend of about four years, but I don't like looking at him when he's mad, especially at me.
"Bella where are you?!" He said his voice softening in the slightest. I notice how it falters a bit. I heard him looking around from all the rustling around going on, that's what I guessed it was.
"Bella, no. Please open the door. Please don't do this." He begged. I frowned at his pleading. Why does everyone always assume that when I'm behind a closed bathroom door I'm self harming?
I didn't hear anything for a while. "Bella," he finally spoke up. "please, I promise I'm not mad. You know how I get when I'm worried." He said quietly. I slowly slid out of the cabinet and got up not making any noise.
"If you won't open the door now, you have to sometime so I'm gonna stand here until you do." He added. I heard him sigh.
I walked over to the door and turned the lock, opening the door slowly. Behind the door revealed a very worried looking and tear-stained-faced Ashton. "Ashton what's wrong? Tell me right now." I said hugging him immediately.
"Uhm, I don't know how to say this, Bella. Uh, so Luke had a panic attack today, the hospital people told us, and he was shaking really bad, it happened at lunch so he spilled his food and when they went to change his clothes, they uh they found something..." He trailed off letting sobs take over.
"Ashy, just tell me what they found." I said placing a soft kiss on the boys cheek. His sobs didn't die down once as he said these heartbreaking words.
"They found battle wounds." And then I knew.
I sat quietly between the boys. Not bothering to speak. We were 'watching' The Lion King. All I could think about is why my baby brother would...hurt himself. And why didn't he tell anyone? I don't get it.
Actually, I do. When I was in that state I didn't want anybody knowing. Luckily, the boys haven't found out about my recent, time.
"Bella," Michael whispered. "Yes Michael." I said blankly.
"Will come with me for a minute?" He said and looked in my direction. I nodded and walked out of the room. Michael pulled me up to his bedroom.
"Baby, it's gonna be okay." He said and rested his head on mine. Michael kissed my forehead, letting it linger for a bit before pulling me to the bed.
I looked around the room. This is stupid. I know Michael would never intentionally hurt me, so why am I so nervous? There's no need to be. But I need reassurance.
"Michael you would never hurt me intentionally would you?" I asked as we crawled under the covers. His eyes widened and he propped himself up on his elbow.
"Baby, why would you ever think that." He whispered and pulled me into his chest. I shrugged not knowing what to say. "Bella, talk to me." He said squeezing me closer to him.
"I-..." I cut myself off. "What is it? I wanna know so I can know how to answer you." He said softly. I put my legs around him and clung to him tightly.
"I don't want anything else bad to happen I mean, doesn't God think I've had enough? When is it going to stop?!" I cried letting a sob escape my lips. Michael sat up with me still on him and rocked back and forth slightly. I nuzzled my head in his neck.
"Baby, please calm down. We're all gonna be okay. What's been up with you lately? You seem a bit off. Usually it's me that's crying on you. Will you tell me what's wrong?"
I said nothing. I couldn't tell him that I self harmed again. He said he'd take me to counseling. No doubt in my mind he won't. I can tell he cares about me. And then the other boys would find out and they would cry and I would feel bad and do it again and then they'd find out again. And I just hate it.
"Hmm, baby? Will you?" Michael wrapped an arm around my waist. One of his hands was on my head and he was softly running his fingers through my thick hair.
I grabbed Michael's hands and tried not to cry. "Uhm," I stuttered. "I heard your little talk earlier with uh, Ashton and Calum about how Luke had an eating disorder and panic attacks sometimes. And then I found out my little brother was cutting himself-" I paused because I couldn't talk through the tears. "Mikey, I'm not okay. I'm a horrible big sister." I sobbed.
Michael pulled me back to look at me. "I want you to repeat after me okay? Will you do that?" He asked, his hand had a firm grip on my chin.
"I am an amazing person. And nobody can tell me anything else. I am beautiful and I don't care what other others think." I repeated the words softly. I tried to look away from the boys mesmerizing eyes but he kept his firm grip on my face.
"Bella, I don't care if I have to say these words to you everyday for the rest of your life. I will, because you deserve to be happy. You blame yourself for so much, it's breaking you and it's killing me to see you so miserable. So please can you try to be a bit happier? For me? The boys, Luke?" I knew that got me. My lip quivered and I tackled him in a huge hug.
"I'll try." I whispered and kissed his cheek.
Mikey and I had been cuddling all day. We were just sharing each other's presence and wanting to be near each other. He was currently playing with my hair and almost falling asleep, I thought he was asleep until he called my name.
"Yeah, baby?" I replied. I put my lips on his cheek, just leaving them there. Not even moving them in the slightest. He sighed and then shook his head a bit.
"I uh-uhm-never mind. I'll tell you another time. It's nothing important." He said and pecked my lips, taking me by surprise a bit. I know we kiss and stuff but something tells me this time, it's different for him in some way.
"Okay, Mikey. Just know you can tell me anything." I said and we drifted back into a comfortable silence.
Okay so I lied. It's important. Very important. But right now I don't think I can tell her something like that. It could ruin the moment or make it better. She could hate me or agree and we could be even happier. If it meant keeping Bella around though, I'm not gonna take the risk.
I can't loose her too. No Michael don't think like that. You haven't lost Luke. You're not going to.
"Mikey? Are you okay?" Bella asked in a concerned voice. I realized I was shaking a bit. "Y-yeah, babe, just a bit cold." I said. Bella smiled and wrapped her arms around me, now taking my place as the big spoon. Which is okay I mean Luke is always the big spoon. Oh my god, do we really cuddle that much? The fam probably gets tired of all the mush because I'm supposed to be punk rock. Lol no they love it.
"What's on your mind, Mikey?" She asked as I cuddled into her neck. I sighed. "Luke." I replied shortly.
"What about him?" She said.
"Well," I started. "His laugh, his eyes, his voice and how I haven't heard it in weeks, the cute little thing he does with his nose when he laughs, his long legs and arms, his lanky stature, his almost always warm body temperature, his cuddles. I just miss him."
"Oh, baby, I miss his cuddles too. At least we have the puppy right? But that's only temporary then we don't have to have that nude-pic-leaking bastard to cuddle with." She said making me laugh more than I probably should have.
"Oh this is exactly why I love you." I breathed out.
"What?" She said wide eyed.
Hey y'all so I love you guys and Vivian will be in the next chapter lol I hope y'all like this love you bye!! xx~ Bel