I’m listening to one of your favourite songs. You know the one by those McFly boys? The song they did with V, ‘Chills in the Evening’. I’m sat here in the bathroom with it on repeat. It explains exactly how I’m feeling now. The lyrics basically speak to me. I haven’t been sleeping so well recently, I keep picture the same thing over and over in my head every time I close my eyes. Your dead body. That’s all that comes into my mind. I try to not think about it, but I can’t. It haunts me, and I don’t know how to get the image to leave.
I finally met up with your father. He burst into tears when he saw me. I didn’t know what to do so I just held you dad, I tried so hard not to cry myself but it didn’t work. We were a mess, the two of us. At first we didn’t say much, we just cried. It was kind of nice, I never would have thought that I would have ever cried like I did in front of your father. But I did, and I’m surprised to say I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that I did.
Daniel has taken Sophia out today. I find it kind of funny the way he acts around Sophia. He’s so immature, you’d think he would be just as immature being with a 5 year old. And well he can be at times. But the way I saw him with her this morning, it’s the most mature I’ve actually ever seen him. He’s taken her to that restaurant, her favourite. The one with the children’s play area. I asked Daniel to take care of Sophia today because it would have been unfair on either Jai or Luke to have to look after her again. Jai’s finally gone back home to Lily, after I told him about 10 times that I was going to be busy.
So we talked funeral arrangements, your father and I. It’s going to be a beautiful service. We decided on tulips, because I know it’s your favourite flower. I also made it pretty clear that I wanted ‘All of the stars’ by Ed Sheeran to be played. Not only do the lyrics seem fitting, but it’s from your favourite movie. Plus I know how much you love Ed Sheeran.
I didn’t think I would be having to arrange these kind of things so soon. I thought I was going to have my whole life with you. I was wrong sure. I still don’t understand why you left us. You could have at least left a letter to explain why you did. I just need some closure, because right now nothing makes sense.
When I was with James we spent the whole time watching videos of you. I couldn’t help but smile watching the video of when I met you for the first time. I have to be so thankful to the boys for daring me to propose to you. Imagine if they hadn’t, we probably would have never met. I remember the day so clearly, and it’s not just because I have a video of it. The way you played along when you didn’t even have a clue who I was. You surprised me for sure when you shouted ‘yes’, jumped on me knocking me over and then kissed me. I could hear the cheers of random people who had witnessed it, and the boys distinctive laughter. But what I remember the most is how you leant over to me, your mouth so close to my ear I could feel your warm breath. Then the words ‘Before we arrange the wedding, I think we should have a real date’.
I didn’t expect to have met the most perfect, amazing human being that day. And I certainly didn’t expect to meet the woman I was going to marry and have a child with. That day was the day my life changed, I mean sure you can say the day our videos on YouTube became famous was when my life changed. Sure my life did change that day, but my life also changed that day I met you. My life has changed again now that you’re gone. Life is full of unexpected things, no matter how hard you try and expect what life throws at you, you won’t be able to.
James really misses you. He cried to me today. He told me how you held a lot of his secrets, secrets that me or the boys don’t even know about. I would have thought I would have been mad. James was one of my best mates, he still is. But when you came along you two just kind of clicked. I’m not mad that you and James shared secrets. It’s nice that you were able to give James something he needed. A best friend that wasn’t one of us guys.
We watched the video of you doing the milk challenge and I have to admit, I think it was the first time in these 3 days that I’ve actually been able to laugh. You were so determined to be able to do. It thought we were vomiting the milk back up because it’s just what we do. Me especially. But when you vomited, and left green patches of milk everywhere I couldn’t help but laugh. You realised then, that for one I wasn’t over exaggerating, and that no one could possibly drink that much milk. I’d like to meet the person who can, if there even is a person who can.
It’s really nice being in a quiet house, and not have Jai banging on the door constantly. Daniel will probably be back with Sophia too. I’m hoping she’s had a good day. I want her to be happy, because someone needs to be happy. I can pretend for her, but that doesn’t mean I am. I’ve persuaded Jai and Luke to both stay home tonight. I want just a quiet evening in with Sophia. I haven’t really spent much time with her, and now is the time we really need to be spending time together. I can’t be leaving her with Luke and his family or Daniel nor Jai. It’s not fair on them having to keep looking after her when I’m the one who should be.
I’m going to make sure that tomorrow I spend the day with Sophia. I don’t want her thinking that she won’t have me either. Because not having her mother around will be harder enough already, if I’m not there for her then it’ll be even harder for her.
I still love you, Beau.