Jai and Luke stayed the night last night. They refused to leave me alone, scared I would for one second do something silly. They both slept in my bed, either side of me. They made me feel sandwiched in, like I wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed even I had wanted to.
Sophia is still with Olivia. Luke’s actually gone home to pick her up now. I need to tell our little girl that her mummy won’t be coming home. I won’t tell her you killed yourself that would be pretty stupid of me to do. She’s only 5. I’m going to keep reminding you that our Princess is only 5 years old. You left our daughter alone without a mother at just 5 years old. She’s old enough to keep onto a few memories of you, but too young to be able to remember a lot.
I will be able to remember everything. Well most of it anyway. I’ll always remember how we met that first day. How we fell in love. How I proposed. How we got married. How we came to have Sophia. I won’t forget any of it. Because they memories that mean so much to me.
Jai’s still here with me. He doesn’t like it when I sit in the bathroom for long periods of time writing these letters. He probably thinks I’m in here taking drugs or something. Yeah, it’s funny because you know why I would never do such a thing. After seeing what happened to Delia when she took the drugs. I don’t even know what it was she took, but the way she reacted scarred me for life. I certainly wouldn’t take any drugs when I have Sophia to look after. She is my world and I’m going to do all I can to make sure she doesn’t get taken away from me.
I’m wondering how long it will be before everyone finds out about your death. The fans will be here for me I know, but that doesn’t change anything. It won’t bring you back to me. I want to know why you did what you did. I need to know what happened. I wish I had some kind of clue.
I guess I should just leave the job to the police, right? They’re trying to figure out why you would kill yourself. Someone must have some idea of what was going on. But if that’s true, that must make me a rubbish husband for not seeing it. I must be the worst husband. I’m probably equally the worst father too. I feel sorry for Sophia, her mother’s gone and she’s left with a wreck of a father like myself.
Here’s Jai banging on the door again. He can’t leave me for two seconds can he? I haven’t spoken to many people these couple of days. I feel like I’m pushing people out. Especially Daniel and James. They don’t deserve that. They’re just trying to be the best friends that they are. But right now, I would rather just be alone. I find it annoying that even Luke and Jai are here constantly. I want some alone time. That’s why I end up hiding out in the bathroom for what seems like hours.
I woke up this morning wishing I could have woken up with amnesia. I wish I couldn’t remember you. It hurts so bad, knowing you took your own life. You chose to leave our family, and there isn’t any way of getting you back. You must have been pretty unhappy for you to want to even think about doing it, let alone actually doing it.
I can’t express how much I miss you. I’ll keep writing it, but it’s not going to bring you back. Nothing will. I’ve cried a lot these past 2 days. Probably more than I’ve cried in my entire life. I feel completely broken, but I can’t be broken for Sophia. She needs me. She needs her family.
Your father called again today. He won’t leave me alone. He again asked me about funeral arrangements. I just told him I can’t be thinking about that now. I’m meeting with him tomorrow, that way I’ve had a chance to tell Sophia that you’re gone. I’m not sure how she’s going to handle it. She’s always been a total mummy’s girl.
Jai’s at the door again. This time he actually has a reason. Luke’s back with Sophia. Now’s the time I tell her you aren’t coming back, I guess. I’m not sure how to exactly tell her, but I know for sure it’s going to be hard. I have somewhat of an idea. I’m going to mention your mother, and tell her about the angels. She’ll hopefully understand. She’ll be upset sure, but I hope that if at least she can understand where you’ve gone it she will somehow be okay.
I don’t want our little Princess to be torn up and depressed at only 5 years old. That would just send me over the edge. I need to be good enough and become a mother and father for our daughter. She’s all I have left, and I’m all she has. We need each other more than anything.
Luke’s at the door now. I suppose I should really stop writing now. I want to believe in angels, and if they do exist I’m hoping that you’ll looking down on us and will be able to watch Sophia grow.
I love you, Beau.