I’m going to start this letter off by talking about Sophia. A few hours ago, I told her that you’re gone. Surprisingly she took it well. I explained to her that you have passed away, she cried at first. That was expected, but what she said to me next put a smile on my face. She wiped the tears from her cheeks with the end of her sleeves and then just grinned at me. I let her know that it was okay to be upset, that she was allowed to cry. She said and I quote ‘I’m going to miss mummy, but I know she is safe now. Daddy she’s up their looking after Grandma now. It’s okay, she’ll be watching out for us. She could never really leave us’.
The things our daughter says sometimes. She’s right though it will be okay in the end. We’re hurting now, and we probably will be for a very long time. I’ll never forget you, and I’ll do my best to make sure Sophia doesn’t forget you either. It’ll be hard for her growing up without you, but we’re going to make it through it.
The press still don’t know about your death which is good. I’m not really to deal with that yet. Luke suggested our next Janoskians video be dedicated to you. He wants to edit all the videos that has been taken of you and put it all into one video. I’m letting him do it, it’ll be nice to have the support of our fans. I still have been avoiding Twitter, Jai’s told me how the fans have been asking where I’ve gone and why I haven’t tweeted for a couple of days. I’ll go back in my own time, when I’m ready to tell the world of your passing. At the moment this is time I need away from the public eyes.
Jai read Sophia a bedtime story, at first she was very stubborn and wouldn’t allow him to read to her. She was waiting for you to enter the room and read to her, just like every night. I had to remind her you wouldn’t be turning up, so she finally gave in to letting Jai read.
Luke’s gone home to spend the night with his family. He reluctantly left after I told him it wasn’t fair on him missing his family. His son needs him just as Sophia needs you. At least he can be there for Jake. He’s made it very clear that he’ll be back tomorrow even though I have said many times that I’m meeting with your father.
I’m actually really nervous about seeing your dad tomorrow. I’m feeling just as nervous as the day I first met him. I remembering being so nervous I was on the toilet most of the morning before we left. I didn’t have anything to worry about that day, he seemed to love me. I guess I shouldn’t have anything to worry about now, I just, well I don’t really know. Arranging plans for your funeral is just going to make everything so real.
I’m not going to wake up from this nightmare. Sometimes I have to pinch myself, just to remind myself that this is reality and I won’t be waking up. James called today, he told me how he misses you. You always were closet with him. Best friends I guess. If you weren’t looking for me, you would be looking for James. I’ve arranged to go and see him after meeting with you dad. We’re going to talk about all the good times we had with you, we don’t want it to become a negative visit.
Jai’s in my bed asleep. I managed to sneak away and lock myself in the bathroom as usual. I always do my writing in here. It’s pretty much the only room I can run to and not have someone follow me. It’s a nice place to think too.
As each day goes by you would think that it gets easier. But it doesn’t. I don’t expect it to get better this fast anyway. It was after all only yesterday morning I found you. I haven’t left this house since yesterday, it’s not like me at all. I’m usually up and out of the house every day. I always have somewhere to be. But now that you’re gone, I have nowhere to go. The meet and greet that was planned has been cancelled, along with the tour.
The fans are probably wondering why we’re cancelling everything so last minute. They’ll understand eventually. I bet they’re even mad. I don’t blame them. They’ve spent a lot of money buying tickets for us only to cancel and not do it. We’ve promised to reschedule, but as of right now we have no idea when that will be.
It’s really depending on me on when we start up again. It depends on when I’m okay. Not that I will be okay. But just okay enough to not be an emotional wreck in front of everyone. I just need to take my time, and say goodbye to you. Maybe the funeral will be a good thing, I’ll be able to say my final goodbyes.
I think that’s what hurts the most. The fact I never got to say goodbye. I didn’t know that goodnight kiss before bed, was going to be the last time I would ever feel your lips on mine. Or the ‘I love you’ to be the last words I hear you say. If I had known I would have kissed you more, told you I love you continuously, held you closer. I just noticed the time. I need to really be getting some sleep if I plan to meet with your father so early.
I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life. Beau.