Your father called today. He wanted me to arrange funeral plans with him. You’ve barely been gone a day and already he’s wanting me to talk it all through. I told him I wasn’t ready to be doing any planning, I mean I still haven’t even told Sophia. She may only be 5 years old, but she has a right to know. At the moment she thinks you’re just out. She doesn’t realise that you’re not coming home.
Finding you this morning was the worst thing. I didn’t expect to wake up with your dead body cold next to me. I woke up thinking this morning would be just like any other. I thought you were going to be in the kitchen, making pancakes or waffles, or whatever you would have felt like making. Instead I wake up to find you lifeless. I slept with you most of the night with you dead next to me. The coroner said you must have been dead for at least 8 hours before you were found. I slept next to your dead body for 8 hours. It kind of makes me feel sick thinking about it.
The worst part about it? It’s the fact that you took your own life. I don’t understand, we were so happy. What happened? What could have possibly have happened for you to take your own life? For you to kill yourself? I’m broken, and hurt. I’m hurting so much. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to act. I have to be strong for Sophia but I just can’t.
I just cry. I try not to. But the tears they just fall. Jai and Luke haven’t left my side for more than a minute at a time. Sophia is with Olivia at the moment. Luke told me how it would be better for her to spend some time away from me. I couldn’t let her see me like this. Sophia’s probably loving it, she gets to spend time with her favourite cousin. She always tell me how Jake is her favourite cousin, but that’s only because he’s her only cousin.
We’re putting the new tour off for a while. We were supposed to start touring next week. But that won’t be happening for a while. How am I supposed to try and pretend to be happy around my fans when I’m absolutely miserable?
I can’t help but think how selfish it was of you to kill yourself. You’ve broken so many hearts. It’s not just me who is torn up because of your death. The guys, Jai, Luke, Daniel and James they’re taking it pretty hard too. Your dad, he has no one left. First it was your mother, and now you. He’s alone. When I can live without crying for more than 5 minutes I’m going to ask if he wants to stay here in our house. Sophia would love her Grandpa staying with us.
Jai’s frantically knocking on the bathroom door. He probably thinks I’m doing something stupid. Something stupid like you did. But I could never do that to our daughter. She means too much to me. Jai won’t stop shouting at me through the door. I’m not going to tell him what I’m doing, I don’t want anyone to know I’m writing to you. I don’t even know why I’m bothering to write to you. It’s not like you can read it. I mean come on, you’re dead. The dead can’t read.
What happened to us being together forever? Does anyone even mean it these days? Does it even exist? A relationship that lasts forever. We were only together for 7 years. I had so many more years planned with you. I married you because I wanted to be with you until I grew old. I didn’t marry you for you to kill yourself at just 24 years old. It’s so young. You had your whole life ahead of you.
Jai seems to have left me alone for now. I can hear music playing in the house so the twins must have put on some music. Oh gosh. The tears have started again. They’ve put the playlist I made for you on. I don’t think they realise though. I mean why would they? Why would they know that the song they’re listening to was our song?
‘If I was James Dean, you could be my Audrey’. It was your favourite line from the song. You always were my Audrey, I’d like to think I was always your James Dean. But it’s all gone now. I’m James Dean left without his Audrey.
I’m still struggling to come to terms that you killed yourself. I didn’t know you were so depressed. You could have told me. We would have gotten through it together. You could have been still alive if only you told me how you were feeling. I wouldn’t have been mad, upset maybe. But that’s only because it’s my job to keep you happy. I’ve failed to keep you happy, because you’re gone now. And you won’t be coming back.