2. Cedric Diggory is Reincarnated as a Fruity Vampire named Edward
If you're wondering how Dolores Umbridge is still alive because, you know, she died of Ebola, it's because Cornelius Fudge was in love with her, and he had the Resurrection Stone, which worked on her, because she is Satan.
So who remembers the death of Cedric Diggory, the hot Hufflepuff from the Triwizard Tournament? Well, he's kinda a fruity, sparkly, rainbow vampire by the name of Edward Cullen who stalks boring girls named Bella. So yeah. Dolores Umbridge wants him to die, because vampires are not pureblooded whites, I mean wizards. Hehehehehe.
Yeah, well, big mistake, Miss Dolores. Edward is an angry vampire who likes eating animals. And Dolores looks like a big, fat, hippo with a pink sweater to Edward. So he took off his shirt in direct sunlight, blinded her with his diamond skin. She then "unfortunately" wandered into a "random" pool of lava. And that is the story of how Dolores Umbridge kicked the bucket.
The end... or is it?