My heart was beating incredibly fast. I really hate meeting new people. I mean, Mala seems nice and all but my anxiety is something I can’t control. It was already playing up because of the amount I revealed to Alex earlier. And the fact that he now knew about my issues with self-harm. That could be enough to make anyone have an anxiety attack.
As we walked through the steel door my eyes were covered by Alex’s hands, indicating that what was coming up was a big deal, big enough to be a surprise. I smiled slightly at this. I am unlike a lot of people and like surprises. I don’t like to find out what I have got for Christmas before the actual date. I like the idea of being kept in the dark about something, as long as it will make me happy in the end.
Alex lead me down a corridor at least that is what I thought it was I could be completely wrong. My eyes were covered.
In the distance I could hear a small noise. It sounded like wings flapping. I was beginning to get excited.
Alex turned me around slightly and made me walk forward a couple more steps before I heard a door shut behind us. Alex took his hands from my eyes and I blinked to try and make them adjust again. As my eyes focused I felt my jaw drop. Surrounding me were thousands of butterflies, flying aimlessly around the glass room I was stood in. The room seemed to be ever-changing due to the movement of the wings, the walls always being a different colour than a second before.
I spun around to try and take in more of the astonishing sight, a smile spreading across my face.
I was so happy I just wanted to smile and laugh and jump and dance and draw! I wanted to draw.
I looked down at my hands where I knew a drawing pad and pencils were and I smiled again. Softly this time as I tried to fight the urge to throw them away. I didn’t want to give up this time; I wanted to do what I loved again. I wanted to draw.
This time I wasn’t going to give up. I walked over to a near-by bench and sat down, careful not to sit on any butterflies. Alex followed and watched me in silence, obviously confused by my actions.
I opened up the drawing pad to the first page and took out a pencil. My breathing had quickened. Was my anxiety really this bad? Was I really this nervous to draw? I closed my eyes tightly as I pressed the pencil lightly onto the paper and then opened them quickly again.
Art cannot be ruined for me anymore. Art has nothing to do with Jane. It’s about me, not her.
I began to sketch a butterfly, looking up every so often just for inspiration. I can honestly say this is the prettiest place I have ever been. Without a doubt.
It wasn’t long before my sketch was done and I heard Alex sigh next to me, I looked up at him and smiled.
“I’m a little bit rusty but here you go.” I ripped out the sketch and handed it to Alex. He was the one who showed me that it was okay to draw. The thought of drawing shouldn’t be spoiled by a person.
“Thank you Alex, I forgot how happy I am when I’m drawing.”
“It’s cool, I’m always happy to help” He smiled, obviously not realising the immensity of what he has done for me.
As he said this a red butterfly landed on my nose, making me laugh. Alex laughed to as he said:
“Here, I’ll get it.” As his hand moved closer to my face the bug flew away but he didn’t move his hand. Instead he placed it on my face, he stroked his thumb across my lips and brought is head closer to mine.
My breathing quickened and my heart raced. What is he going to do?
Suddenly he pressed his lips against mine sending my body into overdrive. My lips burned and my skin was hot. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I was captivated by him. His smell, his touch, his taste, him. All of him. He cupped by face in his hands and stroked my cheeks gently.
Too quickly we broke the connection between our lips but left our foreheads resting against each others.
“I love you” He whispered making me feel like all the butterflies in the room were now caged away in my chest.
“I love you too.” I told him. It was the truth as well. I loved him.
For the first time in a long time I felt like I could do anything. I felt like I could live a full life. I felt infinite.
And I hope it stays like that...