Feeling Alex’s arm just brushing mine as we sat and watched ‘How I Met Your Mother’ was sending a jolt of happiness through my body. I really am happy. Especially since he said that I was the only girl in his like and he wants it to stay like that. When he said it my body erupted, the feeling of pure passion was hot lava surging through my body. Heating it up and making my cheeks glow scarlet. He probably didn’t mean it, but within that moment I was the happiest I have ever been in my life, tears welled up in my eyes and stained my hot cheeks. I loved him. I no longer denied myself the knowledge of that. I loved Alex. 3 days was all it took for me to fall hopelessly in love with him, If only he felt the same.
I was thinking about this, half watching the TV, when my eye lids started drooping. I could feel fatigue fighting its way through my body, slowly taking over the happiness I have been feeling for the last 4 hours. Alex must have noticed my sleepy expression because he asked:-
“Hey, are you tired? Come on, I will walk you home.” I didn’t want to leave but I didn’t want to overstay my welcome so I stood up, a little too abruptly, I don’t think he noticed though. I gathered my things and followed him to the door.
We stood in the bitter cold air as Alex locked his door, and I had come to realise, that even being out in the cold for just a short amount of time, makes Alex’s nose go pink. I think it’s so cute. His dark brown hair falls into his eyes sometimes and he blinks a couple of time before shaking his head to move the hair out of the way. This alone, other than his smile, makes me think about the love I feel towards this boy.
We began to walk, and for some reason I became very reminiscent. I began to think about how, for the first time in a long time, I was happy to walking on this earth. Happy to be walking under the dark blue sky above us. Happy to be walking next to the person I love.
Thinking about all of this made me smile. Not a very big smile but a smile. This, in all honesty, means so much to me. This smile signifies the fact that I am slowly becoming content with my life. And I owe it all to Alex. It’s crazy thinking about how quickly he’s changed me. In three short days, unknowingly, Alex has saved my life and made me happier. This is a big task to say I have been medically diagnosed with depression.
I kept sneaking in small glances at Alex. Admiring his lips and his jaw line and his green eyes that seemed to glow in the dark. He literally is the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. When he smiles my heart does flips in my chest and my stomach turns in knots. Never have I felt like this before, about anyone. At school I knew who he was, I mean, everyone does, but I only found him attractive. I never like him. But know I’ve got to know him, like I said, I love him.
Sometimes when I looked over at him, I saw him staring back, his green eyes boring into mine. I couldn’t help the heat rise in my cheeks.
We got to my gate and I turned to look at Alex and smiled at him, and he smiled back. Suddenly he wrapped me in a warm hug. He put his head in the crook of my neck and I stood on my tip-toes to do the same. I snaked my arms around his back and smiled at the scent of him. To be honest he uses a little too much Lynx and aftershave but I don’t care, I like the intoxicating smell.
I didn’t want to seem strange stood there smelling him so I pulled away. The night air seemed colder than before the hug. I had this surge of bravery at that moment, so I stood on my tip-toes, placing my hands gently on his shoulders and kissed his cheek softly.
I lowered back again and spoke quietly:
“See you tomorrow Alex”
“See you” I began walking towards the door but stopped just short of it.
“Thank you for tonight Alex. Thank you for making me happy, because at the moment I am happy. And I hope it stays like that.” I smiled at him before turning and entering my house.
I walked into the front room to find my mother in what looked like a worried frenzy. Her eyes were wild with the emotion and I automatically thought of my father. She turned toward me when I closed the door behind me and it was almost instantaneous that the worry left her face and was replaced with relief.
“Imogen! Oh, thank the lord you’re okay! I was ready to ring the police! Where have you been?” Oh no, I forgot to ring my mum and tell her where I have been. I haven’t even turned my phone on! I bet she has tried to ring me so many times!
“I’m so sorry I didn’t ring you, I just forgot. I was at a friend’s house. I really am sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it Imogen! I have been worried sick! All I kept thinking was that if I lost you I’d have no one and what would I be needed for then!”
“What mum? Don’t say that you would be needed and look I’m fine so please, don’t worry.”
“Don’t worry? I thought you were dead! How dare you say don’t worry Imogen-Hope! How dare you!” Her voice started out as a shout but at the end she trailed off into a whisper.
Tears were rolling down her cheeks which caused them to well up in my own eyes.
“Mum... I’m sorry, I just forgot, I really am sorry.”
“Just go up to your room” she turned her head away from me causing the tears in my eyes to spill over.
“Do you hate me?” My anxiety was rising through me, although I could feel a panic attack coming on due to what my mum said about not being needed.
“Just go to your room Imogen.” And with that she walked into the kitchen leaving me stood there letting out silent sobs, my happy mood a faded feeling in the bottom of my stomach.
I clambered up the stairs to my room and sat on the edge of my bed. I decide to take a shower, so I walked into the bathroom and turned the knob that would start the water. I walked over to the bathroom cupboard and opened the door. Grabbing myself a towel and the small black bag I had at the back of the cupboard. After putting the towel on the rack I opened the bag and grabbed the sharp object enclosed. My blade.
I stepped into the shower, letting the hot water cascade over my body. I held the blade tight in my hand, letting it cut through the skin of my palm. Even with the small incision I could already feel the release I longed for. Small red droplets started falling from my closed fist, so I opened my hand and pushed the thoughts of Alex from my mind. They were quickly replaced with the image of my crying mother from only minutes before.
I took the blade in my right hand and brought it to the skin on my left wrist. I pressed it down, not needing too much pressure to open the scared skin. Automatically I felt the anxiety and panic leave my body with the scarlet blood from my wrists. I dragged the blade along the imperfect tissue of my arm and made 5 more cuts further up my arm. I smiled at the release of all the things bothering me, but I could already feel the panicky feelings coming back. So I moved onto my right wrist, then my stomach, and then both of my thighs. All just as scared as my arms.
I let the blood run down my body before grabbing the shower head and rinsing down my body, paying special attention to the fresh cuts so they don’t get infected.
I quickly finished my shower and climbed out, suddenly tired. Probably form the loss of blood. I didn’t bother to bandage up the cuts. It would only make them more obvious.
I put on my pyjamas and got into bed. Attempting, and failing, to keep all thoughts of Alex out of my mind.
That night I didn’t dream of the darkness I thought I wanted. I dreamt of Alex’s smile, he always seems to be smiling.
And I hope it stays like that.