I remembered this one time, when we were skyping and Brandon looked at me and smiled.
He told me how much he loved me.
He told me how he saw me in his furture and how he wanted to be with me forever and always.
I felt so loved, i didnt even know how to reach.
I felt like crying from happiness.
But that didnt last long....
After i completely had lost myself somewhere.
I stopped saying that i loved him.
I guess he just started believing that i didnt.
and then 3 days before our 1 month anniversary, he told me how he couldnt be in relationship with me anymore.
That he had school and friends, and a family who all expected things from him and how he couldnt handle all the pressure.
I broke, but somehow i understood.
I just didnt show it.
I started calling him mean things and blamed even more stuff on him.
He tried to make me understand, but i didnt.
Or i didnt even try.
I was so caught up in the heartbreak i didnt even see it from his side.
How he felt about all this.
How much he didnt want to do it, but he had too.
How broken he was too.
I blamed everything on him, and told him how he had promised me never to leave me and how he actually did.
He broke his promise.
He was that one person i trusted with everything.
and then somehow he broke the only promise i'd even believed in so much as i did.
Maybe i should have kept fighting, but i didnt.
I just gave up.
Let myself fall to the darkest part of my life once again.
Thinking that everyone i loved and believed in, left me.
With a broken heart and a few scars.
I did the one thing i promised myself never to do.
Give up on myself.
I started smoking again, even after Brandon had told me how bad it was and i actually stopped for him.
I didnt care anymore, and started doing it again.
All the bad things, i'd let in my past.
Just blow up again.
Smoking, hanging out with the wrong people.
Cutting, crying myself to sleep every night.
I felt like an empty shall.
No one wanted me, no one loved me.
I just wanted to go to a place, where i was sure no one could ever bother or break me again.
but life isnt that easy.
The worst part is that, i now sit here 3 months after and see that nothing was Brandon's fault.
It was me.
It had always been me.
and im sorry.