I sigh as I cross my arms and watch as Luke walks over to me with his hands in his pockets.
He stops right in front of me. "Hey Ashton." He breaths out with a smile.
"Hi Luke." I whisper.
"Why do you alway dream about a field?" He asks sitting down and I sit beside him.
I shrug as I pick at the green grass. "I don't know honestly. I guess it's where I feel most peaceful and comfortable."
He smiles at me. "I guess that's never crossed my mind. I just always thought you just liked it because it's empty and big."
"Oh yeah, that's why." I snort and he laughs.
"Do you think it's gonna be awkward between you and Calum?" Luke asks looking at me after a couple minutes of silence.
I look up from picking at the grass and meet his eyes. "I don't know. Kissing him was random and totally out of the blue and unplanned. I-"
"Would you do it again? Kiss him I mean?" He cuts me off looking at me with big blue eyes.
I clear my throat. "Um, I really don't know how to answer that..... Like, I'm not gay but if I do it won't be on purpose." I shift awkwardly.
He blinks and looks away into the distance. "But you would let him kiss you and you'd kiss him back?"
"Well, depends on the situation I guess..... Why do you care so much?" I suddenly ask.
He turns and almost smacks heads with me. "I'd like to know what to expect as the voice in your head that feels what you feel." He snaps.
His face softens once he sees I've moved away from him.
He sighs and rubs his face. "I'm sorry Ashton. I didn't mean to be snippy with you."
"It-it's um, it's okay. It's fine." I say wrapping my arms around my middle.
He moves closer to me and I cringe away. "No it's not okay I know what your going through and-"
"No you don't." Now it's my turn to snap. "You don't know what I'm going through, you don't know what it's like to be in constant fear all day everyday of your life. You don't know how I feel or what's it's like to have only one source of relief and you don't know what it's like watching your once best friend beat the shit out of you! You don't know what's it's like to fall apart day by day, or to want to kill your self! Suicide doesn't cross your mind 24/7. So tell me again if you know what I'm going through." I'm standing by this point and I don't really care if Luke gets mad at me.
He doesn't know anything I'm going through.
I look and see his blue eyes blown wide with regret and tears.
He's just a voice in my head. Nothing more.
I sit up in my bed with tears going down my cheeks. I look at the time and see that it's already 11:08am.
I let out a shaky breath as I run my hand through my messy hair.
"Luke?" I choke out.
No answer. Not a sound.
I burry my face into my hands and let out all the sorrow and pain through my tears.
I jump out of bed and run into the bathroom slamming the door behind me. I turn on the shower, I make sure it's burning hot and I open the cabinet and reach in feeling the top for my life saver and killer.
I feel something taped to the top of it and I bring it out sighing and happy that it's still there.
I take the tape off and I watch the light shine on it. I step in the shower still clothed and I sit in the tub, turning the water on.
I lightly put it to my wrist, not even flinching, this has become a routine of mine but sense Luke came into my life I've forgotten all about it.
Not anymore. Not till now.
I push down harder and beads of blood appear and I sigh as it runs down my arm mixed in with the water making it a light pink colour.
I do that again but deeper and harder on both of my wrist and some on my stomach.
I do this because I'm to much of a cowered to commit suicide and kill my self.
I deserve to live in pain and suffering. It would be selfish of myself to take my own life.
I drop the blade and sob even harder as the blood gets all over my pants.
I lean my head against the wall and shake my head.
"Why me?" I mumble to myself.
My life's so fucked up right now.
After a couple minutes of me just sitting, losing blood like it's nothing I slowly get up, turning the water off and grabbing the blade.
I go back under the sink and put it back and grab out all the shit I'll need to clean myself up. I'm running out, need to get more soon.
I rinse my hands off in the sink after I put some cream on my cuts and wrap it up to stop the bleeding.
My reflection catches my attention and I stare at the bruises in the mirror and bite my lip as I poke one.
I made sure not to cut the bruises, because you know that would be stupid. Hope you heard the sarcasm...
I take my wet clothes off and walk into my room. I make my way over to my dresser and pull out dry boxers and slip them on.
I go over to my closet and grab out my green sweater pulling it carefully on.
I look at the time and see it's now 3:29pm.
Not that long, I'm usually in there for hours on end.
I walk back over to my bed and sit down on it and curl up in my dark blue blanet.
I stare at my blank white wall like I do all the time. Well before Luke and Calum popped up.
I sigh rubbing my face.
I've basically accomplished to push everyone away in less then 24 hours. Good job you.
I fall backwards and shout into my pillow.
After I'm done shouting my lungs out I slowly get out of bed and wince every step I take down the stairs.
I try not to once I enter the kitchen so my mum doesn't notice anything but I don't find her. Nope I find a bright green sticky note on the counter instead.
I walk over to it and sigh as I read it.
Went out for a little bit, don't know when I'll be home. There's some money on the counter by the toaster if you want to order anything. I usually say don't have anyone over but you can have that Calum fellow over if you want. And, I think we need to talk when I get back.
Lots of love, mum.
P. S. Don't burn the house down.'
Shit. Talks with her always lead to me locking my self in my room and not saying anything to anyone for a good couple days. Not that I already don't do that.
I'll say a word or something to my mum usually but I won't even do that.
I crumple up the note and throw it in the trash.
I take the money off the counter and go into her room and put it in her savings jar.
I don't need the money. Not gonna use it for food or anything plus she needs it more then I ever will.
I walk out shutting the door behind me and jump like five feet in the air as I see Calum leaning against the wall giving me a confused expression.
I put my hand over my heart and glare earning a small chuckle from him.
I turn away and begin walking to my room ignoring him.
"Oh c'mon Ashton, I didn't mean to scare you half to death." Calum says following me into my room.
He gently shuts the door behind him and I turn to face him.
I give him a 'well?' Look.
"Oh right. Um I came over because I prefer you over Michael and his friends. I rather hang with you. We don't have to talk we could play video games like last time, minus the beating you up part." He says scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.
I bite my lip and shift from one foot to the other.
Maybe we can look past us kissing and go in with our lives.
I slowly nod my head and he walks over to my xbox and puts in a random game.
He hands me a controller and Mario Carts pop up. This isn't my game...
I give him a confused look and he chuckles sheepishly, his cheeks turning pink. "I remembered how much you like this game so I brought it over."
I smile and we begin our game.
Just, having fun for a little while seems pretty now to me. Even if it's for a little bit.