They say you are supposed to find happiness at the end of the rainbow. And that the rainbow will appear after rain, well I’d dealt with the rain. I'd handled the flood of tears and the almost dying for several months. I was in therapy and wasn’t eating or sleeping, I was dying inside. Due to heart ache. I was told that I should create a miracle, a miracle day and for a month or two I wanted it to be that he would be mine again. But why? After all the suffering and pain he caused me why would I want him. That's easy. Because I was blind.
After the thunder and lightning of my life, a little beacon of hope appeared. After break downs and tears and self punishments. I woke up one day and saw the sunshine. I saw hope. And realized he isn’t worth it. And then.... I met my second chapter.
The girl i'd mentioned earlier was the reason for this. She told me he'd just been dumped again, and as a caring and kind person – at which I am. Thought too kind for my own good- I added him and we began talking. She had known him for 2 years because he had dated her sister at that time. He suffered with epilepsy and said most girls dumped him for that reason. Of course I felt a little pitty. Who wouldn't?
I ended up meeting up with him and we started to like each other. He may not have been the most attractive guy in the world but to me he was sweet, kind, caring and attractive. Once again I was blinded by the kindness as that wasn't his true appearance either.
Now I realize this was pretty much a repeat of the first chapter of my life...
We met up a few times before he asked me to be his girlfriend. The girl from before did not approve and began to try and meddle with everything. She hurt my feelings quite badly and eventually we were- and still are- no longer friends.
At one point I decided to try and make peace with her and instead I ended up being upset and in hospital as I’d overdosed.... not a good ending to that evening I can assure you. Things were going OK with him for a while, not exactly smooth because even though he was a lot older- 22 to be exact- he wasn't very mature for his age and so I was a little concerned.
Then one day he decided to do something ghastly.... He tried to force me to jerk him off in a park behind some trees. I felt very uncomfortable especially due to my anxiety. And because I refused he got angry and had a go at me making me feel all guilty. I started to cry and this went on for about an hour. Then we parted after a little more crying and him saying those same words, “just get over it”. At that moment hearing a repeat to that words I knew I had to leave, escape and silence him.
A few weeks later after some more arguing I told him it was over. I'd had enough of his immaturity and his disrespect. I couldn't take it any more. I was done with him being a bastard to me and treating me like trash. I remembered he said girls dumped him for his illness but I honestly think its not that but his behaviour and anger problems that scare girls away.
He might have been a better kisser but he was more brutal and violent and nasty than the first. And believe me I never even thought I’d find a guy worse than him.
I sure do pick them don't I? I pick the worst kind of guys for some reason, and I’ll admit I did have “the deed” or sex as some call it with him. Then he too began to want it more, especially as we hadn't seen each other in a while and that is how that little incident in the park occurred....
After that I wasn't to sure what to think about relationships as both had gone terribly wrong. Though luckily the second was only for about 2 months. And I’m the one that escaped that epidemic.
Then the third chapter appeared. And I know what your thinking.... you went blind again didn't you? But no... I didn't this guy was genuinely nice and sweet and caring..... just a virgin and a loner....
Yet again I did do “the deed” and gave him the one thing he wanted. And sadly this relationship ended before it even began to be frank. Because a week after he had his way with me, or maybe even less than that. He said he “didn't feel ready to be in a relationship” and so I put him out of his misery by saying we should stick to being friends.
Yet again another waste of my valuable teenage time. So now I sit here knowing I'm being called slut by who know. Yet I’m not.... OK I’ve slept with 3 people but they were all in a relationship with me- though all relationships failed....-
Now I give in the search at the moment to find a “decent guy” cause truth be told as far as I can see he doesn't really exist. People can set me up with their mates or flirt with me but it doesn't mean i'm going to get into another ghastly relationship where I end up hating myself because I allowed myself to be blinded and fooled by yet another guy.