Becca and I ended up sitting outside the dorm for a bit longer. We had changed the topic of conversation to something else for a while, but she soon wanted to go back to talking about Harry. It was honestly hard to get used to talking about Harry to her.
It was different because for the past few months I had been so adamant on keeping it from her and my other two friends. Now they both knew and here I was sitting outside talking to Becca about him. She was trying her best to ask questions and take an interest in him, but I began to slowly start making my answers short to the questions she was asking because I knew she was just asking to be nice and she honestly didn’t care that much.
It’s not like she wasn’t trying to care, she just didn’t. Most likely because she only had negative feelings towards Harry for the past few months because at the beginning of the school year that was what I had drilled into the minds of my friends, and even myself for awhile.
I just wished that I could get my friends to see Harry as the great person that I now saw him as. I could tell that she felt a bit awkward talking about him, and I had to admit that I did too. I hated that I couldn’t talk to my friends about my boyfriend like Liz talked about Liam.
I wasn’t able to get excited with them every time that he asked me to go out and obsess of what to wear and make predictions with them with where Harry might be taking me.
Even now that they know that I’m dating him, none of that was going to happen. I was at the point where I’m going to be lucky if Liz or Christina even bother to talk to me ever again.
“Can you just answer one question that I have about this whole situation?” Becca asked me after a few moments of silence had passed.
“Yeah?” I said, telling her to go on with whatever question it was that she wanted to ask me although I was a bit nervous of what it may be.
“Why are you even dating after you’ve made such a big deal that you weren’t going to in high school? I just don’t get it. I also don’t understand why you chose Harry. I mean you did go on that rant about how much you hated working on that project with him at the beginning of the year and now you’re dating him,” she said, and I had a feeling that that was what she was going to ask me.
If she didn’t, I knew one of my friends would bring it up at some point since that was one of the main contributions of the conflict, me having that rant about how I disliked Harry, and how all throughout high school, especially when the boys came to the school this year, that I thought it was pointless and ridiculous to date in high school and that I would never do it, yet here I was.
“I seriously don’t know, it just kind of happened,” I answered honestly.
I knew that that probably wasn’t the answer she was looking for but it was really the best I could give her. I didn’t know how to answer the question to her if I didn’t even have a complete answer for myself.
“Oh,” was all she said to me.
“I really don’t have a legitimate explanation to any of this other than it just happened,” I told her honestly.
“Yeah, I get it,” she said although I wasn’t sure if she was being truthful or not.
“I am really sorry that I didn’t tell all of you sooner,” I told her.
“Well technically you didn’t tell us at all,” she pointed out.
“True,” I said since she was right.
“I really did want to tell you guys,” I told her and that was partially the truth.
I did want to tell them, but I just didn’t want to deal with the problems that would occur with providing them with the information that I was dating Harry. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about my friends finding out from someone other than me.
On the one hand, it made it easier on my part because I didn’t have to stress about figuring out the right way to tell them, plus I would continuously be putting off telling them and who knows when I would ever get to it.
On the other hand, it didn’t look good on my part that they had found out from someone else and not me. It probably just made my friends think that I never planned on telling them or something like that. It’s just looks really bad for me that there was something I had been keeping from them for this long and I wasn’t the one to tell them.
Minus the continuous guilt from the fact that my friends found out about my relationship from Liam and then Liz, I was still okay with it because I didn’t have to keep worrying about how or when I would tell them.
“It’s fine Nicole, we all know now so it doesn’t matter that you had wanted to tell us,” she said and I just nodded.
“I just don’t really like Harry all that much,” she told me.
“I didn’t either,” I said and found myself laughing with a small smile. The smile soon fades though as soon as I see the same unsettling disappointing look on Becca’s face that she’s seemed to have all afternoon now.
“Are we still okay?” I asked her, praying that she wouldn’t confirm my worst fear.
That I’ll lose her as a friend. Same thing goes for Liz and Christina, but they aren’t out here right now. When she nodded, I let out a relieved breath.
“But…just be careful. I’ve always had a suspicious feeling towards him, and I don’t want you to get hurt, because then I’d have to say I told you so,” she said with a small smile at the end.
And with a small nod, I gave her a hug, grateful that she didn’t seem to be too furious with me. It did bother me a bit that she had a feeling that Harry might hurt me.
I had an instinct to stick up for him and insist that he won’t end up hurting me at all, I just kept my mouth shut because I already wasn’t in the best place with my friends and I didn’t want to make it any worse by starting a pointless argument that corresponded with the already evident conflict that was occurring.