Sad people love the rain because they are no longer crying alone.- unknown
Jackson was completely oblivious to the fact that Ariella and I had a bit of a cat fight. After that cringe worthy encounter, I decided to just go home and read or something. I really wasn't in the mood to watch my best friend show his public displays of affection to a girl I absolutely despise. Especially since the girl wasn't me. I bid them farewell and was on my way to start an isolation process with me, myself, and one of my favorite books, Eleanor and Park.
On the short walk to my house I looked up at the sky when felt a raindrop just on the tip of my nose and hadn't realized how cloudy the sky was. I sighed in contentment knowing what was coming because in all honesty, I actually liked the rain. It was one of the few times that my hair wasn't sticking out every which way and it also reminded me that the sky sometimes cries too.
When I actually arrived home, my hair was lightly sticking to my face and my jeans were a bit of a darker color. The second I closed the front door my mother peeked her head around the hallway corner and looked at me with wide eyes and a flustered face.
"Oh god there you are! I was looking everywhere for you! God, just look at your appearance! And to think your aunt Suzanne will be here any minute! Go upstairs and change into something. And brush that god forsaken hair out for once."
"Hello to you too mother." I mumbled while kicking off my beat up Vans.
"Enough with the bratty and sarcastic attitude. Your aunt is on her way and she will bring havoc to this house if you don't dress properly." She snapped.
"Mom, chill out. It's just aunt Sue, it's not like it's a Christmas party." I brushed passed her and made my way up the stairs hoping she'd get the hint to leave me alone. She pursed her lips together and pressed them into a straight line while shaking her head.
"Just go get ready." She said weakly. I turned around at the sound of her voice and studied my mothers face and the more I looked the worse I felt. Now that I'm actually looking at her, I can see the stress tallied in little wrinkles by her eyes. I can see the worry lines creased on her forehead and the tiredness that followed in her pupils. For once, my mother actually looked old.
"What?" She asked as she noticed me staring.
"I'm sorry." I said quietly before making my way back to my room. I've come to the conclusion that I never want to look at my mother that way ever again.
Dinner was just as uncomfortable as watching your parents making out. I couldn't slouch in my chair without my mom giving me a hard glare and a flick of her head almost as if she's saying Sit up or I'm going to punch you in the face. So I was sitting stiffly in my chair while wearing an Easter dress I'm pretty sure I got back in middle school but never wore because dresses just aren't my thing. Since I never really filled out and my body type resembles that of an uncooked noodle, I can still fit into it which I'm sure just pleased Mommy Dearest.
"So December, have any boys caught your eye yet?" Here we go. Leave it to aunt Suzy with the obnoxious questions that she has no business about asking.
"Sorry to disappoint you but no." No one knew of my feelings towards Jackson and I was planning on keeping it that way.
*Cue the exaggerated gasp* "Really? Oh how embarrassing that must be to be your age and not even a single boy on your mind! Hmm, well, maybe if you did something about that hair of yours then you wouldn't have a problem." She tutted as she snootily started to cut at her steak.
My older sister was beside me practically choking on her peas from laughing because apparently it was the funniest thing in the world while my parents were carrying on with their dinner like their own daughter hadn't just been insulted.
Meanwhile here I was choking back tears and staring at my plate with slouched shoulders. Fuck proper manners.
Usually when people get angry or flustered they don't seem to have a filter connecting from their brain to their mouth and they say whatever it is they're feeling or wanting to say without thinking. Of course the opposite happens to me. I seem to have too much of a filter and I end up swallowing my words down. I get light headed, my vision blurs, and my palms get sweaty when I'm about to say something. But nothing ever comes out. I over think of what I'm about to say and then I miss my chance. All that's going through my mind is, Do I really want to say that? What if it hurts their feelings? I'll regret it later so there's no point in saying anything. And then I hate myself for not saying anything anyways. I'd hate myself either way really.
Well maybe if you weren't such an uptight bitch then you wouldn't be divorced. If only I had a voice.
Sitting in my dark room with the rain hitting my window and my thoughts swirling my mind is nothing new. These times are dangerous for myself though because once my thoughts get going, they never really stop.
If I could put one thing down on my college resume, it would be Stressing myself out so pick me to represent your mediocre college.
But I shouldn't be worrying about college now. I shouldn't be worrying about the future at all really until it happens. Just like I shouldn't be dwelling on the past (and yes, dinner today is the past so I'm not going to dwell on it.) I should be worrying about what's going on right now, in this moment. I need to worry about the present. My counselor once told me to look at life as if it's an ice cube tray.
"Whatever is stressing you out just break them down into little compartments and take them on one by one. Your life will be much easier that way." She had told me during one of my weekly sessions.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm focusing on what's happening right now and right now there's a beautiful storm thundering outside. And right now, in this moment, I let the storm outside coax out the storm that's been inside of me this whole time.
And right now, the skies and I are crying together.