"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again." -Alex Tan
Jackson has been ignoring me for three days now and with each passing second I get more pissed off. Whenever I would catch his eyes in the hallways he would always direct his gaze somewhere else. And anytime he knew I was watching from afar like the weird and protective friend that I am, he would make sure to pull her really close to him. I don't think I'll ever address her by her name. She'll always be her.
My mother keeps asking me why I've been so depressed lately but I just tell her that I've always been this way and you're just now noticing. She left me alone after I said that.
The truth is I am depressed but it's not like I'm going to do anything about it. It's not like I can do anything about it. The one person who I could ever confide in is the one causing all of this pain. And that's why I hate him.
I decided I hated him the other night when I realized it was Wednesday and it was 6 pm and I was sitting at the little cliche coffee shop. Alone.
We had made it a deal back in freshman year that we would go have some coffee, share one of the day old biscuits, and catch up and do homework. For three years we did that and now that she's in the picture he decides to ditch me. I mean I knew he wouldn't show up but that little sliver of hope that's inside of me made me think otherwise. There was a lot of things that I needed to accomplish in life and getting rid of that little bit of hope was one of them.
I just...I don't think I can get over this. Like at all. You should've seen all of the pity looks I got from the locals that go to that cafe just about everyday. I could practically feel their apology through their eyes. They were looking at me like I was some old woman just watching the door for her late husband to walk through them but knowing that he never would. I always hated attention and indirectly, Jackson was giving me just that. What a shithead.
But you will never believe what happened that day either.
So like there I was, just sitting in the cafe all alone (something we've been over numerous times) and I was just eating the stale biscuit while reading one of my history textbooks just minding my own business. After about 10 minutes of that, someone interrupted me.
"Can I sit here?" I looked up at the sound of the deep voice and found this really cute boy pointing at the chair across from me with a sheepish smile on his face. I didn't know what else to do so I just nodded my head. I thought it was weird that he asked to sit there when the cafe was practically empty.
And I'm not joking when I say that he sat there for a good 5 minutes just staring at me and not saying a word. I was fucking creeped out and even decided to end my pathetic study party early. Some minutes later he finally spoke up and the conversation went something like this:
"How are you?"
"I'm fine I guess."
"That's good. What's your name?"
"Well I guess I'll see you tomorrow at school."
And then he just got up and left. Talk about MAJOR 'what the hell' moment. I've never seen this kid at school before and knowing that he's seen me just makes me more paranoid than I already should be.
And now here I am laying in bed at 11 pm thinking about nothing and everything all at once. Thinking about everything that I hate about myself, thinking of what more damage I could do to not only me but other people that I genuinely care about, thinking of Jackson and his girlfriend and how that should be me and just...thinking.
But the more I think about it, the more I feel bad about the way I acted towards Jackson and his relationship. I should be happy that he's happy. And even though I never really expressed my feelings towards him and his choices, I still feel bad for thinking about them.
I decided I most likely wasn't going to get a good nights rest without some type of apology so I took out my phone and texted him.
I'm sorry about everything. Is there anyway that you could forgive the unforgiving season you call winter???? xx
And not a heartbeat later:
Of course there is :)
I had a goofy smile on my face after reading that text because then I knew that I could quite possibly redeem myself. But then, something unexpected happened. The goofy smile turned into a small grin. The small grin turned into a frown. And the frown turned into tears. And before you know it, I'm sobbing into my pillow because I knew.
I knew he didn't love me, but I adored him anyway.