Rescued By Your Love

// This is a part of my life that I will never be able to forget. Even now, as I close my eyes and inhale the deep scent of chocolate orange cocoa, the snowflakes compressing on the window ledge, a thick woolly blanket wrapped around my shoulders and the radiator reflecting the heat of my heart, even the vestige of a kiss on my lips. Lips that I could never imagine would kiss mine. His lips. This is how he rescued me. Rescued me from my flaws and hurt ~ from an eating disorder. // ~ Marie McBeanie

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22. Not one Flaw *TRIGGER WARNING*

The ice tickled the roof of my mouth, it's slippery surface numbing my whole mouth as it moved rapidly from place to place. The lemon was cool and sour; it's taste subtle on my breath. I sipped so slow and infrequently, savouring the taste whilst filling my stomach. This week was about de-bloating and toning up for my second session with Mr. Styles. That means, hard work; getting rid off all the disgusting parts of me and having Ana replace them. Today, I planned to do Yoga until my muscles ached, until I felt too tired or weak. Every time I gave up there would be consequences...

"Oh and... No more scars"

I heard the voice of Mr. Styles in my head. 'Damn!' I cursed with anger in my voice. How was I supposed to keep myself in line? I stared blankly into my glass of lemon water, the ice swirling themselves playfully in a circle. Ice. I had heard of self harming with ice and salt. Although I hated that phrase, self harm, it was more like self preservation ~ self control. 

***

My first shift in the office included a photography walk with Mr. Malik and a wardrobe fitting alone with Mr. Styles to get a taste of what styles would suit me most. Malik and I strolled around the park across from the gallery and surveyed the area. As we talked about our photography styles, I grew to like his character more profoundly. 

As we strolled, he stated how photography was a way of capturing beautiful people and being able to keep the image for a lifetime ~ better than stalking. I laughed a lot harder than I probably should have as his expression changed so rapidly from genuine sweetness to a creepy smirk. I love the way he smiled at me, the crinkles at the side of his eyes.

The next few moments were unexpected and perfect. He pulled up the camera around his neck and, whilst I giggled, he shot photos of me. I cringed at this as I hated seeing myself but as I protested with a frown and disapproving playful smile, he shook his head, a small smile on his pale pink lips. "I warned you, this is what I love about photography... The beautiful people I capture". 

***

"Morning, Marie" Mr. Styles said calmly as I walked in. Approaching me, he walked with me towards his desk, a hand on the small of my back. "I planned a lot for us..." he looked across my body and sighed slowly, losing track of his sentence. "You look so good" he said slowly, exaggerating 'so' as he eyed me. Heat flushed to my cheeks and I was slightly taken back. "Thank you" I beamed, my eyes lighting up. He waved me off, saying that I needed to get used to it - someone needed to tell me. I don't know how I managed to stop smiling. 

From his desk, he picked up two cups, recognisable to me as from Starbucks. "For you" he gestured, giving me a steamy cup with my name on it. I took a small sip, the creamy latte lingering on my lips as a remnant stain of my lipstick was left. "Thanks, Mr. Styles" I said soon after. "Well love, you are my favourite" he grinned and laughed shortly after "Okay, and my only". My small smile was soon dropped as I puckered my lips into a small childish frown. "Okay okay, you are my favourite" he paused, a smirk returning to his face "And you're going to be my first. This is special ~ I know it'll be a lot of fun with you". Shivers traced my spine, I knew he was referring to me being his first full - time developed model but the implications made me breath shakily. 

***

Ice and salt it would be then. I needed to be perfect for them. Flawless. There was no excuse, I would not let myself get lazy or comfortable doing something I loved. I took another long sip from the lemon water and took a piece of lemon that was floating a surface of the icy water, rubbing the lemon over my teeth to aid whitening. 

~

Blackness came and went, sweat dribbling down my back as I lay exhausted. Wasting away. Too sick to stand, I yelped from the pain in my thighs and gave in. It was 10pm, I had been working my body intensely for 6 hours; swapping from Yoga to full body workouts as I needed more weakness in my muscles. My head swirling, I gave into the blackness; against Ana's callings, telling me to press on. The night enveloped me. 

*Later that night*

I woke with a pain in my stomach and tingles like bullets all over me. I thought to sit up, my body wailing from the pain. I wiped the soundless tears away. How was I so weak? Staggering to the kitchen, I filled an empty glass with ice water, drinking uncontrollably, one glass after another. My stomach growled and I punched it fiercely to stop its complaints. I had to suffer for this body I so desperately needed. 

I remembered my body blacking out, giving in and I stumbled for the kitchen draw, fumbling for the sharpest knife. I cursed again as Harry's voice came back to me. No scars. The salt was within my reach but I felt too weak. I groaned as I ambled towards a chair. Maybe later, right now, I just. Needed. To. Sleep...

*The next morning*

I should've guessed Harry wanted to get a shoot done first thing. My face fell as he told me and I excused myself, heading to his bathroom attached to the office. "I'll be right back" I smiled, cursing myself inside for my stupidity. I shouldn't have eaten. I felt across my stomach, a lump of fat ~ this mornings breakfast. It had to go away. Pains still encompassed my body from the night before but I would bare through it. 

Reaching a cubicle, I wet my fingers under the tap before entering. Holding my hair back, I relieved myself of the weight of the food as a sour mixture flowed out of me. 'Crap' I was making too much noise I noticed as Mr. Styles tapped on the door. This place looked well built, why didn't they have sound proof doors? I was too close to my end to terminate yet. "You okay, Marie?" Harry's voice was concerned, I could see the frown on his face through the doors. 

"I'm fine!" I lied, shouting back horsely. Why now? I  was angry that he heard. I gagged after saying it, unable to control the volume as I would have wanted. I was normally so good at this. 

The bathroom door opened. I froze, unmoving. "Marie, where are you?" I heard Mr. Styles call for me. I wiped my hands on the tissue, breaking off a long roll silently as I cleared my mouth and hands; making sure there was nothing on the seat. I could hear him getting closer as he opened every door. My stomach churned and I felt physically sick. I could feel liquid forcing up my throat. This wasn't happening. 

I threw my head forwards as I was sick, my body shivering. I could hear Harry curse as he ran to my door, pulling it open. As I stood there ashamed, I couldn't turn to face him. My eyes welled up and all I could do was cover my mouth to stifle a cry. 

Warm hands ran over my stomach as he held me. He held me so tightly.

He stayed with me the whole time as I washed out my mouth and re applied my lipstick. I felt awkward and ashamed in his presence; never making eye contact. "Marie" Harry's voice was soft as he took a small step towards the mirror I was facing. My eyebrows furrowed as my eyes welled up again. No one had ever seen me this way before. "Please talk to me" Heat flared up in my cheeks and my body shivered as I began to cry again.

He rushed quickly behind me, enveloping his large hands around me. His chin rested on my head and he whispered to me "Please don't do this, you're so beautiful. You don't need this, please. I can't see you like this, I can't" A tear hit my head as he cuddled me tightly, his cheek soft with a tear. "I just can't" he kept repeating until I calmed down.

 

*A/N I'm sorry I haven't posted in ages... I know it's terrible, I blame my 21 exams hehehe. This was a bit full on, I hope it wasn't too much. I love you guys, over 1000 reads!!! Ahhhh! Hope this chapter wasn't too boring for ya, my love forever ~ Marie*

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