Anything I desired to know? Where would I even start, it had been three years or so since I had last properly saw him. I even deleted his contact on snapchat and Facebook the night that we met, blocking his access to me completely in my pathetic state of anger. A stab of guilt rushed through me; Malik could never know about me. Suddenly I started to tremor slightly at the thought that he could ask me something and I would expose myself. 'Obviously not' I told myself, smiling to him as he opened the slick black doors that lead the way into the dying summer to autumn morning.
We walked quite closely side by side, smiling shyly at each other before Mr. Malik walked us over to a large tree that provided shelter for the whole area which stretched from the small streamy river that ran behind the long oak bench that we perched on, towards the direction of the main town, old fashioned unlit light posts marking the way. The air was warm with a cool breeze perfectly sending relief when the sun began to overheat my exposed flesh.
"So what would you like to know, Malik?" I broke his gaze and his original smirk came back across his face, studying my face before he answered. I had the strangest impulse to bite my lip. I suppressed the feeling. "Let's go easy..." we started off a casual conversation, playing the game 'Would You Rather?' and asking silly questions that helped to brighten the calm atmosphere around us. "Okay," Malik started, to be honest, I felt too close to him to ask for his first name, I felt as if we were too close to go back to something that I should really already know. There was no going back. "Would you rather have had your first kiss at night or day?" I turned away from his eyes, bashful. "I can't really answer that question" I admitted.
I had never had a first kiss, many of my secondary school friends had probably gone on to be in steady sexual relationships by now but, at 19, I had not had my first kiss yet. There were many reasons for that. Firstly, I was the type of girl that was shy and I talked to guys in a way that their best friends did but I found it hard to keep a conversation with a quite guy for more than half an hour, which seems like a long time, but in reality, it really isn't.
Plus, one of the major reasons was my appearance; the only reason perhaps. I wasn't much different from how Ana had found me five years ago and it looked like I wasn't going to lose much weight. Guys aren't really into large girls and until I am 6 stone 9 or seven stone unwavering then how can I expect any double takes? Who would really look at me then. At that moment, I was grateful for wearing my long sleeved jumpsuit as it covered the multiple fading scars on my left arm.
"Don't tell me you've..." He started. I felt the warmth of my blood rising to my cheeks. Gosh, this is embarrassing... "Never been kissed?" We offered at the same time. I giggled lightly and he burst out into a small, girl like laughter that made me laugh harder than the situation called for. It was a good break. "Yep, why so astonished?" I don't know why I asked the question. Well, I did, but it's not something I would usually do. More like something that Skylar would ask, but then again, best friends do rub off quite a lot onto each other.
"You're just," the pause made me feel uncomfortable, like I was right about myself. He was making up an excuse. "Someone as fun and likable, well dressed, cute..." He must just feel sorry for me. Damn it, why did I even try? "It just doesn't add up," he continued "I would have taken the chance to have you if I had the chance" his glance was away from me in a distant part of the park that, when I tried to follow his gaze, I couldn't find it. I blushed and giggled again. I should really stop.
"Mr. Malik!" I teased playfully, lightly elbowing him out of his trance. "I believe it's my turn?" I suggested. I had been waiting all this time to ask him what I needed to know. "Zayn" he looked my straight in the eyes, half commanding, half requesting. His eyes gave his tone, not his voice. The name came back to me and a rush of relief fell over me. Zayn. It's not the type of name you forget, not unless you would want to. The name that means beautiful, who would ever forget that?
I played along with him, getting to know facts about him that I would have never considered before, things that made me like him so much more. Also the fact that he smoked, was trying to quit but smoked. Normally it would have been a turn off point for me but it couldn't even phase me if it tried. The fact didn't stop me from thinking that he was everything that I wanted. I finally got to what I wanted to hear. "What happened that night Zayn? You just left and you never looked back. I was just getting to know you" his shoulders stiffened, was I being too attached? He could have just not been the type of person to text. Maybe, he couldn't be bothered to reply...
His body straightened and his eyes journeyed to his place far away, his eyebrows furrowing.
"Miss. Mathis" Zayn's voice was commanding and harsh, as if he was reprimanding me, he continued to look away as he stood up, offering me his arm as he prepared to walk away. "Our break is over". His voice was almost brittle, as if anything at that moment could break him. I didn't answer him to see if it would and wrapped my arms around his obediently, trying to smile as I walked confused next to him. What just happened?