Rescued By Your Love

// This is a part of my life that I will never be able to forget. Even now, as I close my eyes and inhale the deep scent of chocolate orange cocoa, the snowflakes compressing on the window ledge, a thick woolly blanket wrapped around my shoulders and the radiator reflecting the heat of my heart, even the vestige of a kiss on my lips. Lips that I could never imagine would kiss mine. His lips. This is how he rescued me. Rescued me from my flaws and hurt ~ from an eating disorder. // ~ Marie McBeanie

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8. Bad Habits

Tossing a while in my sheets, I tried to go back to the first part of last nights dream. My mind unfocused and blank only found itself repeating the crash, concentrating on Ana's face, the glass and rubble. My fat limbs at awkward angles, pain surging through my temple before I flutter off into a state of unconsciousness...

Finally deciding to crawl out of bed, restless and unsatisfied that I couldn't get the ending that I wanted, I dragged myself to the bathroom. Stripping myself, I jumped into the shower, the cold floor cooling my whole body. Today, I decided, I couldn't be bothered to have a cold shower and let my body run with warm water. In the middle of the shower, I switched to cold water, feeling as if I needed to take a little more responsibility over myself, taking care that I didn't turn out like last nights nightmare. Walking briskly out of the bathroom, I refused to even think about stepping onto a scale. It wouldn't male me feel much better, plus, I was late.

Quickly moisturising my body, I purposely selected matching white lace underwear, completely the opposite of what I had worn in the dream. I don't understand why the dream had unravelled me so much, but it had. Looking in the full length mirror, I knew that black looked better on me but I dismissed the idea. Putting my hair in a large bun at the back of my head, I let two small strands of hair loose at either sides of my ears. Being the first day, I wore as little make up as possible, just getting my face up to base 1. Base 1, for me, in make-up terms, was a light layer of powder, anime mascara, doing my eyebrows and a bit of clear lip gloss.

When that was all done, all I needed to do was pack my black, white lined, Nike training bag and order my A Level study books in my handbag and get dressed. If I knew what to wear. First days can always be a little tricky for me, seeing as I hate over dressing or under dressing it was never an easy task to complete. Flicking through the clothes in my cupboard and suitcase, I came across my new jumpsuit. It was quite classy: crisp white top half with a peter pan collar and an extra long trouser length in black that made my legs look a few inches taller. Was it too much? Slipping it over my body, I decided that I didn't care as I currently didn't have any better ideas. 

Smoothing down my hair as I brushed it, I did two plaits, meeting in the middle, and put the rest of my hair into a side bun. Deciding not to look too dressed up, I finished the look with my wine red flats and sipped a glass of water before leaving the house to the bus stop. 

"You'll know me soon enough, beautiful" the words replayed themselves over and over again in my head. "Soon enough" I smiled to myself. I wish, wish that it was true, that it was more than a cheesy turn-me-on phrase that he used on me. The truth is, he probably didn't even care who I was any more, just another girl on his long list of friends...

The first few lessons flew away and, as anticipated, I would do my first sports session in the specialised, professional, sports facilities. Passing the lunch hour that I vowed never to eat in, I sat reading. The area was quite, seeing as most people went out to get a Subway at lunch or KFC or whatever. So, I sat in the cafeteria, still at the closet seat to the window so that if I ever needed to clear my head, I could listen to my headphones and tune into the view of the lake close by.

Smells of blueberry and chocolate chips engulfed my nostrils as the staff began to pile in and swiftly out of the dining hall. My stomach groaned in displeasure of the delicious fragrances that were passing. Getting up, I headed to the hallway to find the bathroom. Pinging the elastic band on my wrist, I let the painful sensation ring through me as it always had. Take a deep breath. I paused after my inhalation and cut the flow of air until I was bursting to breath. I was in control. I let the thought destroy all weakness. 

The walls of the bathroom were painted a white with a single strip of baby blue along the edges of it. I could almost feel the small space close in on me. At least the air was fresh. Running my hands instinctively under the cold water, I held out my index and middle finger whilst the rest of my fingers were held down by my thumb.Waiting until every crevice of my fingers were submerged, I walked into the middle cubicle of the three empty ones. 

With a sigh, I leaned over the toilet bowl and let my fingers slide easily down my throat causing my gag reflexes to kick in. Ignoring it I pushed harder, my lips trembling as a gush of liquid left my mouth. I stood and shuddered for a while, paralysed with a feeling of disgust, there was no way that I would be able to eat after this. It wasn't the most comfortable method for me, or one of the best habits to form, but it worked. When I walked back into the cafeteria, the smell of the muffins and cookies made me queasy, the thought made me want to purge then and there.

As I walked a little tearfully to class, as it always had that effect on me, I peeled of my jumpsuit from a zip at the back and changed into my college tracksuit hoodie, top and short black sport shorts. Today we would be doing fitness training. Great. I hated cardio endurance because if I wanted to be a sprinter, I would never need it. Plus, who am I kidding? I'm helpless at it... 

After plodding along on the treadmill for 15 minutes at the highest speed, I felt more drained than I normally would, even if I hadn't eaten all day. Half way through doing a circuit of muscular endurance tests, my head was spinning. I was used to doing exercise until I felt lightheaded with Ana, but it never felt this way before. I pushed on until in the middle of a sit up my limbs gave way, hot and sweaty bodies seemed to cramp the air and my mind was clouded, my head pounding. Lying on the floor helplessly, I heard the sound of the coach before everything turned black.

Throughout my lessons, I managed to avoid habits like that, ones that I had been silly enough to form in the first place, seeing as Mia (bulimia) wasn't really my thing. I've got things to work on but I know I'll be able to pull through. It would just be easier if I wasn't so alone in this...

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