Rescued By Your Love

// This is a part of my life that I will never be able to forget. Even now, as I close my eyes and inhale the deep scent of chocolate orange cocoa, the snowflakes compressing on the window ledge, a thick woolly blanket wrapped around my shoulders and the radiator reflecting the heat of my heart, even the vestige of a kiss on my lips. Lips that I could never imagine would kiss mine. His lips. This is how he rescued me. Rescued me from my flaws and hurt ~ from an eating disorder. // ~ Marie McBeanie


17. An Evening Alone With Ana

It had been so long with Anorexia and I still couldn't get it right. I punched my stomach I'm frustration. After trying a whole week to exercise more self control, I broke it with a never ending snack session, even purging in between only to eat again. Ana would be so angry. I shuddered at the thought of her abuse to me when I looked into the mirror.

Stripping out of my interview clothes, I slipped, underwear only, into the bathroom. Looking down at my body, I cringed. My stomach was so fat. There was a time when I didn't have to look past my stomach to see the rest of my body. I longed for that time. Taking out the scale, I stripped down, completely naked before the mirror, hoping that my collar bones hadn't gained any fat; hopefully just an illusion my mind was showing me.

Stepping onto the scale, I looked into my own eyes, searching myself before reading the numbers. I kept my head hung as I closed my eyed for a second. Jumping off the scale, I put it away, carefully drilling the number into my mind. 7 stone 5. I had gained so much weight. How am I so stupid? Looking deep into my mirror, I let Ana speak to me through it and stood as a child awaiting severe punishment.

"Ew" her eyes paced my body in disgust, my mouth moved in synchrony with hers. "What the fuck, Marie?" She questioned untactfully. "You're so disgusting! Look at you!" Guilt swept over me in rushes, but this was just the beginning. "Are you trying to give up? Go back to being just average? Being just normal?" No, my whole body echoed, pleading with her to understand.

No. Of course I wasn't. Always, she always knew what to say, she was always right. Only she could manipulate my emotions like this, driving me into this state of desperation. "Screw you, Bitch!" Ana's voice raised higher in disgust as she screamed at me. "Of all the times I tried to help you, and look what you've done to our hard work." She glared angrily at me. "It took you long enough to get here and now look at you" her words sank do far down into me as she spat them out.

"Bitch" she repeated under her breath, her eyes meeting mine clearly in the large mirror and for a second, we looked simultaneously at my wrists, its scars prominent on my fore arm. "Want some more?" She smirked as I winced at the thought; there were so many. I think Ana secretly enjoyed watching the blade sever my fresh skin, my face set in determination: Determined to be thin, to make her happy. "I thought not, stupid hoe." Her gaze dropped and she continued quietly.

"Marie... I'm sorry." Ana's voice was a little more gentle "It's just that I love you so much." As she sighed, I was a small amount relieved as I knew this guilt trip was nearly over. "I know you want to be thin." She was the only one who truly understood me. "I can help you." I knew that she longed for me to listen but my gaze was firmly on the floor; I couldn't let her see me this weak. "Please... Marie" Looking up, I beheld her core coal chocolate eyes "Let me help you."

Ignoring any urges to, although I still felt large and foolish for eating before a professional photography shoot, I didn't purge, simply due to the sheer lack of time. However, I did remember and follow Ana's advice; ice cubes, they burnt about 55 calories per cube. After a quick shower, I ate around 20 before opening my wardrobe. It would be a long evening. My skin was soft and supply from moisturising and all I needed now was something to wear. Easy task, right?

'Something easy to slip in and out of' I reminded myself, stroking mu fingers along the material of each item of clothing until the pattern changed as I struck the leggings section. I scrunched up my face in uncertainty, leggings? Easy to get in and out of but I wasn't entirely convinced. My hands moved along to skirts. My fingertips stopping as I felt the chiffon layers of my maxi skirt. It was pure black and a little bigger than the normal size six but tonight, it might be perfect.

Slipping on a matching white chiffon one shoulder top, it contrasted effortlessly with my full lace pure black Victoria's Secret lingerie and I was satisfied. With the time being minuets to seven O'clock, I slid into the bathroom to relieve myself of the weight of the food that I had just eaten. Looking into the mirror, I felt the determination rising within me. A sparkle in my eyes told me that Ana would want me to.

Wetting my fingers with water and shutting the door instinctively, I put everything into it. "Let's do this" I chimed, the top of my lips curling into a smirk. I was ready. Putting a wash basin on top of the toilet lid, I ran my fingers down the length of my tongue to the back of my throat. I never had any gag reflex's really, just shudders.

Feeling the food come up, I pushed further, waiting until liquid ran hard down my fingers, then I drew them out and let the rest forcefully push its way out. After ten of fifteen minutes of self determination, I was finished. Letting the liquid run down the toilet, I washed out the basin. Trying to force the feeling in my throat behind, I washed my face and my mouth.


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