I looked at him for a second, and I saw the sadness in his eyes. Like he knew he said something wrong, he understood the mistake, but he couldn't fix it.
He started driving again. We didn't talk, like we never do on fights.
He stopped by Emma's place, and I don't know why, but I just couldn't leave it like that. I couldn't storm out or just give him the feeling he made me feel bad. I needed to hear him out. Hear his reasons.
"Why would you say that?" Tears started again
"I didn't mean it." He came closer to wipe the tears from my cheeks
I backed off "don't touch me" I let them fall on my face "answer"
"I told you I didn't mean it."
"Stop lying! I can tell when you do.."
"That's the truth, believe it or not."
"Save it." I went out of his car and slammed the door after me
I went to sit on a bench by Emma's house. Ashton followed me.
"I'm sorry.." He set beside me
"I don't care."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Will that make you feel better."
"Yes. Please." I lied
"Okay then." He came closer to give me a kiss
I rejected him again
After he left I cried even more. I wish he just stayed to hug me instead.. till I couldn't cry anymore. But he didn't. I know I'm the one who said 'leave', but I didn't mean it. And he doesn't know that.
After I calmed myself and wiped the tears, I called my dad.
In the car I told him about our 'hangout' and he, as always, believed everything.
I didn't have appetite so I took a shower and went straight to bed.
I've noticed a few text messages from Ashton, but I didn't open them. I didn't want to hear what he has to say. It hurt.
Although Em was with me today in school, I kept thinking about him. I didn't tell her yet about me and him being together, me and him going to see his band, me and him fighting. Again.
She hates that I'm laying things on her like that, but everything happens so fast that I can't keep up. And she also gives me reasons why not to tell her about us. If she wouldn't touch my phone and try fixing things between us that day, we wouldn't sleep together. I wouldn't know about the band. We wouldn't fight.
On lunch I tried to talk about something that is more me and less ashton. My birthday.
"So what do you want to do?"
"I'll ask dad to bring movies and pizza.. And then we'll.."
She choked on her fries "tell me you're kidding. Please."
"You're 16. Sweet 16. Don't you want a party?! You weirdo.."
"I already told you I don't like parties."
"Well who cares what you like. Let the guests have fun first."
"The people you invite for your party you know."
"I'm not having a party."
"And I'm not asking."
"Em my dad would kill me. If I'm just talking about boys next to him, he freaks out.. Imagine what will happen when he finds out they're coming to my party."
"So no party.. Pizza and movies. Deal?"
"No" she laughed "my mom is okay with boys.. As long as I'm not letting them touch me if you know what I mean."
What does it say about me?
"Anyway.." She continued "we'll have the party in my place, for you."
"All I want is pizza and movies.."
"Not under my supervision" she took a bite from her fries "now eat. You look pale."
"Great she's a mother too." I mumbled
"What?" I repeated
"What did you just say?"
"Eat your stupid fries." I threw one of mine on her
She did the same.
After school dad picked me up as usual, and then left back to work.
"So what do you want for your birthday?" Alice set next to me
"There's gotta be something you want.."
"It's okay you don't have to bring me anything this year."
"Stop saying that. It's your birthday."
"So?! Why do you have to celebrate being one year older?! People are still looking at you like you're a baby."
"Oh.. I see. Dad."
I was actually thinking about Ashton..
"Can we drop it? I don't wanna talk."
"No.. C'mon.. Tell me what happened, I promise I'll help."
I know she keeps changing her attitude, but a supporting shoulder would be great right now, and she was there, to support.
"Alice I need you to swear. Promise me you will never tell any of this to dad. He would kill me. Literally."
"What have you done this time..?"
I took a deep breath "we did it." And let it out
She's 12 I forgot.
"We.. Made love."
"You mean babies?"
"No Alice.. Love. Babies it's when his.. Never mind. Just.. You know what I mean right?"
"Yes.. I think so."
"You look calm about this."
"Should I freak out? Cause you look pretty freaked out, I don't think two would be necessary right now."
"What do you think about this then?"
"That it's disgusting" she laughed "you two were.. Um.. Like... Naked. Right?"
"Weren't you ashamed or something? A guy has just seen you without clothes. I would freak out."
"It's not like that.. He calmed me you know?"
She doesn't know. She's 12.
"What do you mean?"
"That I was always afraid of the situation and he always told me it's going to be okay. He never pushed me into things I won't like or made me do something I didn't want to.."
"Is that all?" I smiled
"Well.. Yeah. I mean, you can't tell dad. He would kill you."
"I know. That's why you promised me you won't tell him either." I checked if she's still behind her words
"Don't worry. I won't."
"I still don't get it though. It's because dad right?"
"What did he do?"
"Called me a baby."
"So.. I am not."
She started laughing
"That's not funny.."
"The situation isn't.. Your stupidity is."
"I'm not stupid."
"Look what you're looking to fight on. A baby word."
"Your birthday is tomorrow and instead spending it with your boyfriend, you'll stay home. Great."
"Emma is throwing a party for me."
"Dad would kill you."
"Not in here. I'm not crazy. In her place."
"You hate parties.."
"She didn't want to simply watch a movie and I'm not staying home all by myself."
"Well.. Have fun."
"I think I know what to get you for your birthday now."
"It's a surprise."
"You'd love it don't worry." She took the remote from my hand and switched a channel "stop watching this show all the time. It's dead."
"Laugh all you want but it's the most successful show that's ever been broadcasted."
"Hey." He smiled from seeing us watching the tv together.
Well she did. I just set there, being on my phone."
"Hey." We both answered
He did his things and then took the remote from Alice. To watch rugby. Again.
"So Zoe, what do you want to do tomorrow?"
"Emma is actually throwing a birthday party for me. In her house."
"Why not here?"
"I thought you won't be okay with that."
"Ask me first. Alice, honey, can you give us a minute?"
"Yeah." She went to her room
He singed me to come and sit closer to him so we can talk properly.
"Look, you've grown so fast.. I remember the day you we're bore like it was yesterday." He smiled "your mother was so stressful about what hospital she'll be in and the doctors.." He sighed "I remember also calming her.."
The way he talks about her.. The admiration.. I wanted to cry.
"Okay dad. What's your point?" I stopped him before tears will start to fall
"Oh yeah. Umm, you're growing up. There's boys you might like out there. I don't want you to hide it bcause of my attitude towards it. I'll admit it's hard to see your first kid growing up, knowing she'll leave you soon for college, start her new life as an independent person. You're a good kid. I trust you to make good choices." He smiled again "now give your old man a hug."
I hugged him tight. Shaking from the inside. He's lying, he won't react this way if he knew about Ashton. About Ashton's age. He would kill both of us.
But all I wanna do is let things out. I'm tired of telling him to park a few blocks next to my house, being afraid my dad will walk into the room every time we're together..
"What?" He pulled away
"Ashton dad.. Ashton Kutcher.."
"What about him..?"
"Isn't he hot?"
"Yeah.. I guess. Zoey are you okay?" He smiled
"I'm fine.." I smiled back
He went back to his tv and I went upstairs to lay down.
I kept thinking about his words, wondering if it's just a way to make me get closer to him or that he finally understood I'm growing up.
Probably the first one.