The roof, I realise, needs a wash. I'm surprised Daniel hasn't pointed it out to me yet. Then again, when you're drunk and lying in bed, looking at the walls or roof aren't on your list of things to do.
I jump a little when I hear Daniel start roaring with laughter. When he was done with me, he left the room after and elbow to my back, no kind words, no hugs. They would have been nice, but I've long since abandoned hope of any such thing. There was a time when he would, but not anymore.
A glance at the clock reveals it to be 11:30pm, the minutes and hours ticking by so fast. I know Robert and Daniel won't be done for another three hours or at least until they passout, so I try to settle in and go to sleep.
I'm awoken by a slap to my face that sends me falling out of bed, to shocked to do anything more. I glance upwards to see Daniel glaring at me before his foot connects with the side of my boob, making me faceplant the floor.
It's late, I realise. It's still dark out meaning I've either been asleep for a long time or barely long enough. The later it gets the more prone I am to feeling the pain and with that one particular kick, I feel tears build up behind my eyes.
"I'm sorry," I appologise. I don't even know what I've done.
"One hour," he leans over me and whispers harshly. "Couldn't you have stayed awake one hour longer?"
"It won't happen again," I say into the floorboards. "I'm sorry."
He jerks on my hair, pulling me to my feet sharply and painfully. He hurls me against the wall and my head cracks on impact, a pain already beginning to bloom under the skin.
"I could leave you," he threatens as he nears me and I cower against the wall. "I could tell you to leave at any moment. I could kick you out. I could even kill you. Don't you realise how lucky you are?"
"I do," I turn my face to the wall as he kicks the back of my legs, trying to keep myself up. "I do Daniel and I'm very grateful."
"Yeah?" he roars and I jump. "You don't act like it sometimes. All I ask is for you to clean things, to sit by my side when my buddies are around. To wait up for me until they leave so I can do something special for you."
My heart crumbles a little. He plans nice things for me apparently, but I always do something to screw it up and I never get to see or experience what they are.
"I'm sorry, Daniel," I sob. "I'm sorry."
"You're not. You're just a ungrateful bitch."
The words hurt me more then any of his blows so far and they make me cry harder then before. I listen to his boots on the stairs as he marches out of the room. I want him to come back, to listen to me apologise. Or at least to hit me or something. I just want him to be happy with me, to love me like he used to.
But how can I expect that of him when I keep screwing up?
I make a vow then to myself. I didn't realise it annoyed Daniel when I'd go to sleep without him. Pulling the switchblade from the cupboard I glance down at my belly where I've written all my other reminders.
"Clean the house."
"Don't get mad."
"Be a good girl."
and now I add to it.
"Live like tomorrow doesn't exist."
I've heard of pills you can use to keep you awake practically 24/7. I have a little money left over from my usual monthly allowance from Daniel of $20, hopefully enough to buy such pills. My mum always told me, you either keep trying or you go home. If I want Daniel to love me, I have to keep trying. If not, I may as well be the one that kills myself.
and it scares me because that's an idea that I don't mind.