It never crossed my mind to make a call back to England to tell my family what has happened. I’d been so caught up in all the Australian drama that I forgot about informing everyone back home about what has happened. But when I saw an incoming Skype call from Lynn pop up on my phone I instantly remembered.
“Beth.” She sighs. “Are you okay, love? Please tell me Twitter is spreading rumours again and that Ashton was not involved in that accident.”
“Is that my Mum? Are you at my house?” I question.
“Yeah, I figured you’d need all of us if it turned out to be true.”
“The funeral will be Monday morning.” I tell them with a straight face.
“Oh Beth, we are so sorry.” My Mum signs and even with the shitty webcam I can still see the tears glisten in her eyes.
“Don’t be sorry, you have not to be sorry for, it’s not your fault.” I reply coldly, trying to hold back my emotions. “I should’ve called, I just, I forgot with everything going on right now.”
“It’s okay, sweetheart. We just want you to be okay.” My Mum quickly tells me.
“But it’s not okay, Mum! I’m not okay! Nothing will ever be okay! Do you even realise that?” I lash out, I know I probably shouldn’t have, but in this moment I picked getting angry over bursting into tears.
“What your mother was trying to say is that we want to help you. Do you need any of us down there? I’ll get on a flight right now if you want me to.” My Dad interferes before this conversation gets out of hand. My Dad may seem like the kind of man that cares very little, because he doesn’t speak up much, but the thing is that he is very much understands that empty words like “I’m sorry” mean nothing. He understands that in some cases taking action is better, just not in this case.
“No, no, that’s okay. Everything is a mess here, I wouldn’t want to bring you into this.”
“What about an interpreter?” Lynn steps in. “Maybe we could look for Australian Sign Language interpreters that know BSL too? We’ll sort that out for you. Just send us an email with the date, time and place. Don’t worry about all of that.”
I slowly nod, not really knowing what else to tell them and then Eliot pushes his way through and takes his stance right in front of the camera, focussing all the attention on him.
“Is Ashton really gone?” He signs abruptly.
“But I thought you and Ashton were going to get married?” He signs with a sad frown on his face.
I can feel my stomach drop and it all becomes too much for me.
“I- I can’t do this. I’ve got to go.” I barely sign before disconnecting the call.
“You remember where it is, right?” Calum asks me.
“Of course, we were here four days ago.”
“It was beautiful s-e-r-v-i-c-e, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I absentmindedly sign. “The stories you told were really funny.”
“Why didn’t you speak or well, sign at his funeral? I know Anne-Marie asked you.” Calum signs to me before letting his hands rest on the steering wheel again.
“I could’ve said a lot of things, but nothing would’ve mattered because it wasn’t meant for the people, it’s meant for Ashton.” I tell him and quickly glance out the window. “That’s why we’re here.”
“I’ll be here, okay? Text me when you need me.”
I nod and take a deep breath before getting out of the car. I look down at my bare legs and the imprints my sneakers make in the green grass. It’s not hard to tell where it is, the mountain of flowers kind of speaks for itself.
I sit down cross legged on the warm grass and clear my throat, searching my mind for the words I’d been planning to say, but nothing comes out, so instead I just go for it, throwing myself in the deep end. “Hello Ashton.” I speak, pronouncing every letter with great care. “I’m sorry if you can’t understand me, my accent is difficult to understand, but I want to speak to you. These past few months you’ve tried so hard to talk to me in sign language and today I’m here trying to communicate with you in your language, I don’t know where you are and I don’t know if you can see me, but I hope you can hear me.
“I just wanted to say Happy New Year.” I say with a small smile and glance down at the zeros on my wrist, who only now look like they’re mocking me, reminding me of what I once had and will never have again. “It’s weird to think that I started this year without you and I ended it without, it felt longer though, it felt like I knew you a lifetime.”
I let out a shaky breath and sit on my hands: I’m not going to sign while speaking, this is for Ashton, I’m doing this his way by speaking English. “We always tried, didn’t we? We had to try to be friends and like each other, I tried being nice to you, tried being a good friend and soulmate. I tried to keep the fighting to a minimum and it may sound ridiculous, but at the same time I tried causing arguments with you. I tried getting you to yell at me, so I could yell back in signs. We had a twisted relationship, didn’t we? Some people might say we weren’t supposed to be soulmates because it didn’t come natural, they say that we were not meant to be because we had to try.”
I pause and swallow hard, not sure if it’s the talking or the emotions that make my throat feel like it’s on fire. “But there’s one thing I never had to try for, I never had to try to fall in love with you, it happened so fast. I fell for you before I even knew you. Loving you was easy, that was the only easy thing about us, wasn’t it? Even showing you my love wasn’t easy, I never told you I loved you, I never tried hard enough to show you, but I suppose that’s okay now, because-”
I pause again, angrily rubbing my teary eyes. “Because you never told me you loved me either, but I could feel it. I know you love me. I felt it when I laid my head on your chest and felt your heart speed up, I felt it when you searched for my eyes in the crowd of a concert, I even felt it when you stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut on your way out. Because you always came back for me, no matter how horrible I had been, you came back. Some might say we fought a lot, but it was our way of showing love, we had a passionate love with intense feelings.”
I take the sweater paws of Ashton’s shirt I’m wearing and wipe them underneath my eyes, trying to push away a thousand flash backs of Ashton wiping away my tears, because now is not the time for that. I have to finish what I started. “But there’s a few things I would never try to do for you. I won’t try to stop hoping that you’re going to be in my dreams each night, I won’t try to forget you. I won’t ever try to stop loving you, because I simply can’t
“And I hope you can’t either; try to keep loving me, okay? Even if I fuck up. But please don’t wait for me, go on that big adventure, go live the ‘something greater’ that you always dreamed of. And for now I’ll just stay here and have small adventures until I can meet you again.”
Hi guys I just want to say thank you for reading the whole thing and I apologise for the emotional rollercoaster that I've made this into these past few chapters.
I can't believe I wrote 47,451 words on this, 37 full chapters, but I feel proud for finishing it even though it wasn't great.
I just really hope you guys could enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
If you all still want an epilogue; let me know here because I have it pretty much fully written, but I won't upload it unless you guys really want it.
It'd mean a great deal to me if you guys could like and fave this if you hadn't already done that.
This definitely won't be my last fic, so stay tuned for more pain and tears.
Thanks again xx