The soft mattress comfortably supports my back and my head is resting on a fluffy pillow while I gaze at the window with half shut blinds, the moonlight softly lighting up the room, giving it a dreamy appearance, but unfortunately I, myself am not yet ready to dream.
The feeling of soft fingertips trailing up and down my right upper arm makes me turn my head away from source of light and look right into the eyes of my soulmate.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
But what is there to talk about? It just feels like my mind can’t shut up, the future is keeping me awake. The future in which I’ll have to return home again, back to university. The future in which he’ll live in empty hotel rooms playing for crowded arenas, where he’ll hop on aeroplanes more often than he’ll talk to me. Where the time I have to spend with him is so limited that I might as well be a fan instead of his girlfriend. What happens when I go back to England? Will he still want me? Or will he give up? Will we part as strangers, because the distance is just too hard?
What happens when he doesn’t leave though? Maybe us being together might be worse than being separated, because we’ll never be together, not really. He’ll be halfway across the world for most of the time, both of us longing for a soulmate we could actually spend time with. He’d be longing to come home, here in Australia, every time he flies further away again.
However the question that remains: “Am I ready to be separated from my family for so long just in exchange for a few weeks with my soulmate each year?” remains unanswered. Ashton would never give up his life in Australia, he’d never consider moving to the United Kingdom and to be really honest, I can’t ask him to either. He travels so much that sometimes “home” gets blurry and forgotten, I can’t take his home away from him, I’m not that heartless.
But am I ready to leave home? Will I be ready to give up my home to spend so little time with him? The thought of only seeing Eliot perhaps once a year makes me feel sick and being without my crazy best friend is almost unimaginable.
And as I stare into Ashton’s eyes I realise that I can’t tell him all of this, I can’t tell him I’m scared, that I’m not ready to let go yet, that maybe falling for him was never a good idea. I can’t tell him my fears, because he needs home and steadiness in his hectic life and I can’t seem fragile. I need to be his rock, I need to be strong, I need to try, for him.
“No.” I sign to him after hesitating for way too long.
“Okay, let’s go somewhere then.”
I mindlessly trail shapeless forms into the sand right next to where I’m sat down on the beach that gets illuminated just enough by the lights of the car that is parked further down. My eyes are locked on the waves that ever so softly come rolling onto the sandy coast before getting called back into the blue ocean.
“Have you ever been scared of flying?”
“No.” Ashton signs without hesitation. “Flying does not scare me.”
“What about the destination? Ever been unsure about where you’re landing? Scared of what it might bring?”
“I don’t believe we have destinations, I believe we have journeys, but they are without ending. Joining the band wasn’t the ending of my carefree life, it was the beginning of an adventure. Meeting you wasn’t my destination, it wasn’t the ending of my life without a soulmate, it was the start of an even bigger adventure.”
“What happens when the adventures end? What happens when we die?” I question.
“Dying is part of the adventure, maybe life is just the prequel to what we are actually meant for. Maybe we’re meant for something greater than just our lives here.”
And in that moment, something seemed to click. None of my previous worries seemed to matter anymore, because it was suddenly all so clear now, because maybe our timers are part of something greater. No matter if I’m with or without Ashton; we still play a part in each other’s stories, our timers linked us whether we like it or not. It was stupid to think I could leave him, I can never leave him. We are part of each other’s past, present and future and we can try to detach ourselves from each other, try to pretend our other half doesn’t exist, but the zeros on my wrist prove quite the opposite. I never got the option to pick my soulmate, but I do get a say in if I want to jump along with it and accept my soulmate. And thinking about it now, I would wholeheartedly chose Ashton out of all people in this world, because even if he’s still a pain in the backside; he is my pain in the backside and I would chose him all over again, each and every day.
“I’d wait for you, you know?” I proceed to tell him. “I would. I would wait at the beginning of our big adventure so we can spend it together. I’ll be right here waiting for you.”
“I know you would. Just don’t wait too long, okay?”
I want to step in to say something, although I am unsure as to what I would tell him, but before I even get the chance to, Ashton gets up. I look up to him and see him removing his T-shirt after which he starts fiddling with his belt.
“But for now, we can have small adventures:” He signs, glancing over to the soft waves reaching the sandy beach before he looks at me again with a devilish smile spread across his face. “Have you ever been skinny dipping?”
I'm very sorry for this chapter, it's a bit weird.
who am I kidding: it's really weird.
you can leave your suggestions, thoughts, comments and questions here if you have any.
thanks for reading and keep in mind: there will only be a few more chapters left after this one xx