I was asked to update again, so I did. I'm sorry in advance if it's shit or too fluffy, but yeah here it is.
“Michael, what did I do?” I try again, forcing him to look at me by signing right in front of his face.
“Nothing.” He signs, but I can tell by the way his eyes search for eye contact with Luke or Calum that he is trying to hide some valid pieces of information from me.
“What happened today?” I’m not going to give up, I’m going to keep trying until I find out why Ashton reacted the way he did, because this is starting to really piss me off. I was ready, I was planning on telling him that I wanted more, but why did he go ahead and ruin it? Why did he have to interrupt my two minutes of insane courage? Why today? Why now? Why do bad things happen every time something seems to be good again?
I wrack my brain trying to think what could’ve possibly gone wrong today. What happened between the moment he left the hotel room and kissed me goodbye and the moment I came looking for him?
“What happened at the interview?” I sign, but Michael awkwardly tries to find some kind of object in the bus that would be less confronting than the conversation I’m trying to have with him, he results in staring blankly at the ground. So I turn to Luke, who seems to be the only one who’s still looking at me stupidly enough, this boy never learns.
“They asked about you.” Luke speaks while using signs to support his words. “They had pictures of you and Ashton at b-r-e-a-k-f-a-s-t this morning. His t-i-m-e-r was showing.”
Oh god, a million thoughts flash through my mind. Why didn’t that idiot cover up his timer using the wristbands he always wears? And oh god, the timer on my left wrist must’ve been showing too, I don’t bother covering that one up because that’s what “normal” people have as their timer anyway. They must’ve added everything up and come to the conclusion that I’m Ashton’s soulmate. But why did that cause him to flee from me the moment I entered the tour bus? This is nothing for him to be upset about. If anything this will probably only hurt me, I’m going to be the one getting stalked on twitter and receiving hate mail. I will get hurt by his fame and the paparazzi, unless…
Unless Ashton hurt me before they could have a chance.
“What did he say?” And judging by Luke’s face I hit the nail right on its head. At this point Calum, who’s been quiet this whole time, hands me a laptop which is opened at a google search of “5sos radio interview 5th of August”. I click some links and am surprised by how amazingly fast their fans work. The interview has been recorded, posted online on many different platform and there’s even a few bits and pieces that have been transcribed.
Interviewer: So Ashton we received these pictures from one of our listeners who met you earlier today. You appear to be with a what looks like a deaf girl since you were both signing in these pictures and both of you have timers with zeros on them. Care to explain?
Ashton: We went out for breakfast.
Interviewer: Who is we? Is she your girlfriend?
Ashton: No, she’s not.
Well, fair enough, it’s the truth though.
Interviewer: Soon to be girlfriend? Do you want her to be your girlfriend maybe? Is she your soulmate? The timers kind of already indicate that.
Ashton: No. No, she’s… She’s not my soulmate. She’s just… She is nobody.
Wow. That hurt.
I’m a nobody.
I’m a nobody. I mean nothing to him.
I keep rereading it, trying to find some type of hint or emotion hidden in the text that shows that he didn’t exactly mean it like it. Oh, how I would’ve loved to just run away right now, take the first plane home and pretend that I’ve never even met Ashton. But I can’t. Something always keeps pulling me back to him no matter how hard I try to fight it.
“Did he say it like he meant it?” I turn to the guys. Michael shrugs and tries to sign to me “Say nothing first.”
Say nothing first? What does he mean? And then my eyes find two words within the transcription again, long silence.
What if he was contemplating what to say in that silence? Was he at a loss of words? Was he trying to decide what lie to use? Or was he even trying to decide to maybe, just maybe, tell the truth? I wish there were videos of gifs of this interview, seeing his face would’ve made looking for emotions and motives a lot easier.
And then it clicks, I need to see his face, we need to talk face to face and that’s why he ran away. He was scared of the confrontation and me blowing up again, but he can’t run away from this. I can’t run away from my soulmate even though I try sometimes, so he is not allowed to run away either.
“Please call him. I want to talk to him. I need to.” I tell no one in particular, but Calum seems to be the first one to react as he pulls out his phone coaxing Ashton into coming back and talking to me.
It takes a while for him to return, but when he does we walk over to Ashton’s bunk bed for some privacy. I cross my legs and wait for him to get comfortable on the bed as he copies my seating position.
“I know what happened in the interview.”
“I know they had pictures.”
“And I know what you said. About me, you know.”
Again: a nod, but a very slow and careful one.
“Did you mean it? Do I mean nothing to you?”
Surprisingly no nod this time. “You do mean something to me. A lot something.”
His signs are sloppy and slightly hard to follow, I’m not even sure if he fully understands what he’s signing, but that okay. As long as he tries I’m happy.
“Then why did you call me a nobody?” I ask, I feel anger bubble up inside me, I feel so conflicted; I don’t even know any more if I want my fist or my lips to collide with his face.
“I don’t want them to know. P-r-i-v-a-t-e.” He signs.
My stomach drops “Are you… Are you ashamed of me?”
He doesn’t reply for a while, he doesn’t even use his words. He stares down at his hands and I wonder what he’s trying to word: telling me that yes, he is in fact ashamed of me or that I’ve got it all wrong and that he has some other weird explanation for calling me “nobody”.
Turns out it was the latter.
“I don’t want them to hurt you. People can be mean and I don’t want to see you in pain, make you not happy, because you make me happy. Waking up next to you is so much better than waking up to the sound of birds in the morning.” He signs with a small smile and I’m taken back to earlier today when we were laying on the grass and he tried to give me some sort of explanation for sounds.
“If bird songs are less exciting than the feelings you give me then I don’t even care I’m deaf.” I joke and I can finally see a giggle form on his face again.
I shift from my current position and sit up on my knees and keep looking at him as I lean more and more forward until our lips softly collide. After a few seconds Ashton pulls away “I lied about something else too.” He tells me. “I do want you to be my girlfriend soon.”
I laugh. “Well, that’s good. Or else this would’ve been really awkward, because I would really like that too.”
His dimples show again as he starts grinning like an idiot at me. “Well, girlfriend come here then, I want to make out some more.”
I move forward again and push Ashton on his back while he pulls me on top of him and we kiss until I forgot how to breathe and my brain forgets it needs oxygen, because all it’s chanting for right now is Ashton. We kiss until I don’t even know where my body stops and his begins, because we’re so tangled up in each other that we don’t even feel like two people anymore. And we kiss until Michael comes and pulls me off of Ashton, because we have to make our way down to the stadium they’re playing at tonight. We kiss until I feel so happy that my heart could burst any second.