“So you’ve been ignoring him since yesterday morning? Don’t you think it’s time to apologise?” Lynn signs to me over a skype call.
“Not really, I mean I didn’t do anything wrong and he hasn’t tried to apologise either. I’ve been having a great time with the other guys though, Louis and Harry are lovely, they know BSL and Calum and Liam are trying really hard to learn it.” I respond to her.
“It’s great that they know some BSL, that- what is that sound?” she interrupts herself.
“I don’t know, I’m Deaf remember.” I laugh.
“You don’t say.” Lynn signs while rolling her eyes at me. “I think someone’s knocking on your door. You should go and check.”
“I don’t want to. It’s probably Ashton, the other guys know that they need to text me when they need me.” I stubbornly respond.
“Just have a look alright. It might be someone from the hotel. I’m going to bed, alright.”
“No, please don’t go! I’m bored all the guys are at the stadium.” I object.
“Even though I love you dearly, it’s also nearly three in the morning here and in this moment I love my bed a little bit more than you. I’ll talk to you later, love.” She signs and disconnects the skype call.
Not too long after my phone starts buzzing.
From: Ashton Irwin:
can i come in? i wanna talk.
I sigh and reluctantly get out from under the warm duvet. I haven’t really looked at Ashton the past day and a half, but he’s looking exceptionally fluffy tonight with his sweats on and a jumper with his still wet hair half tucked into the beanie he’s wearing. I swing the door open and motion for him to come in. I sit down on the bed with my back pressed against the headboard of the hotel bed. I expect him to grab the whiteboard from my bed side table and come sit to me, but instead he sits in front of me, crossing his legs and signs to me.
Yes, he starts signing at me.
It’s slow and sloppy and sometimes even a bit wrong, but he’s signing. I could just cry tears of joy right now, just solely for the fact that he’s trying to use my language to apologise in.
“I’m sorry. I was jealous. I’m insecure and I’m scared you like Calum more.” he slowly signs, it’s pretty obvious he’s scared to admit to this, or maybe it’s just him being scared of signing, but I don’t care. He could sign to me that he hates me and never wants to see me again and I would still be happy, because he is signing.
I didn’t even realise that I was actually crying tears of joy until it gets pointed out. “Oh, Lizzy, don’t cry” Ashton speaks, using only the sign for “cry”, but I don’t care, because he’s trying. He quickly scoots closer and uses his sweater paws to wipe my tears away and I stare up into his eyes, I never really took the time to look into his eyes, mostly focussing on his mouth for lip reading. And it was also partially due to the fact that I’ve never looked at him from this close, but now that I do I can finally see how beautiful they are.
Is it weird calling a boy beautiful? I don’t care though, something about him makes him look beautiful tonight.
“What did you just call me?” I carefully sign, not wanting to disrupt whatever you could call this what’s going on right now, whatever it is: it feels nice.
“L-i-z-z-y.” Ashton fingerspells “I’m sorry, I use “Beth” n-e-x-t time.”
“Please don’t. I like it.” I slowly sign and a smile breaks out on his face, seeing his face light up makes him look even more beautiful and I feel so at ease, almost happy.
“You f-o-r-g-i-v-e me?” He signs. He doesn’t move back again, he stays in the same spot and stares into my eyes with a hopeful expression and god, how I wish I would’ve decided to wear my contacts today, my glasses make me look so nerdy.
“Yes, I forgive you. Do you forgive me?” I reply to which Ashton rapidly nods him head. His smile gets replaced by a more serious expression as he raises his hands. I expect him to sign again, but he doesn’t, he brings his hands to my face, cupping both cheeks. Leaning slightly forwards while softly pulling my face a bit closer. My skin tingles in the places where our bodies touch, his knees against mine as we both sit cross legged, the palms of his hands resting on my cheeks as the tips of his fingers graze my neck slightly, right below my ears.
But none of those tingling feelings could ever prepare me for the fireworks that erupt inside of me as he softly presses his lips against mine, there’s no firm presence of his lips against mine, no tongue, no movement. His lips only ever so lightly rest against mine, softly ghosting over mine, barely touching.
But it’s perfect.
It only lasts for one second, but it’s a second that holds an eternity.
And that’s okay, I’m okay with that.
I open my eyes to look at his face as he slightly pulls away, only to see that his are still closed while he lets out a shaky breath. Suddenly he’s standing next to the bed as he pulls his shirt off and crawls under the covers, laying down on the right side of the bed, in the same spot as the last time. He lifts his arms, wanting me to sleep next to him.
I get up from the bed. “Oh, I can’t lay like that. I always sleep on my left side, I have to sleep on my left side.” I sign and as I could’ve guessed: it was too fast. So I repeat myself slowly “I have to sleep on this side” while touching the left side of my body with my hand. This causes him to understand, because he moves over. I walk around the bed, feeling too awkward with climbing over Ashton.
I lay down my head on his naked chest as his right arm pulls me even closer to his body, but that’s alright.
Every situation with Ashton is new: having a soulmate, going to a concert, flying, hearing sounds, sleeping in the same bed with a boy that’s not Eliot and now the kiss. Everything is new and terrifying. It’s thrilling and exciting and everything all at once and I’m really not sure why, but somehow that’s okay, because I’m sharing it with Ashton.
And even though Ashton makes everything worse, he also fixes everything. After every fight and after every time I want to rip his head off it gets better. Whatever we have right now, whatever this is called; it feels alright.
We’re trying, trying to be friends, trying to be soulmates. And I don’t care that we fight every time we spend time together. The fights are worth it if it means that we get to share a kiss like the one we shared only moments ago.